01. Tess's Backstory

A while ago, in the Matrix fandom, there was a Sue. According to the fic, she was the only female Agent ever. She had done such Suvian things as fighting Neo to a standstill, flying, falling in love (with Agent Smith, but still…), and generally being a Flaming Sue. I was a rebel, and her arch-enemy. It's very interesting, looking back at what I was then. As the story continued, we fought multiple times, neither of us winning conclusively. Then, I met the PPC agents.

"Tess. You are hereby charged with... erm...." The agent turned to the other one. "All what is she charged with again?"

The second, shorter agent turned to the first. "Being an original character, you idiot."

The first agent held up a list. It was big, easily a page long. "What about these?"

"Those are for the Sue. This is not the Sue, just an original character. Now get on with it!"

The taller agent turned back to me. "Very well. Tess, you are hereby charged with being an original character. Any last words?"

The shorter agent smacked her head with her hand. "You kill the SUE, not her! We were going to deputize her. Remember?"

The first agent turned back to me. "Very well. Look here, please." She held up a slim chromed rod, with a little red light near the top. Both of the agents donned sunglasses.


And that was that. With one little neuralyzer flash, I was free of the Matrix fandom, and playing by PPC rules. The agents deputized me, and I killed the Sue. After coming back to HQ, I—What? You want to hear how the Sue died? Very well.

"Tess," the Sue said.

"Agent Michaelson," I retorted. "I am with the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are hereby charged with causing character violations and ruptures, most notably in the personas of Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, the Oracle, Agent Smith, and just about everyone else. Also, you are charged with:" I took a breath. "Breaking up a Canon romance, causing a character (Agent Smith) to act like a love struck fool over yourself, causing female characters (Trinity and myself) to be antagonistically feminist, stealing lines, changing geography and architecture, altering locations of key plot events, altering the back story of characters (Neo and Smith), changing the race of a character (Agent Smith was never human), use of bad physics, use of bad plot devices, employing Deus ex machina, bad grammar and syntax, wanton cruelty to the common comma, punctuation errors, spelling errors, and being a Mary-Sue. Any last words?"

The Sue was thunderstruck. This was completely against the Words, which I could now see. She was supposed to kill me, but be wounded in the process. I pulled out my Uzis.

"I'll take that for a 'no.' Have a nice day." Agents may be fast, but there's no way that one could dodge sixty bullets coming at her in less than two seconds. However, she did. She sped up to faster than any Agent has the right to go. I tossed my empty Uzis aside, drew my long knife, and charged.

Around me, the Matrix rippled and distorted. Suddenly, I realized that my Uzis were hovering in mid-air. I stopped and looked closer. They were still falling, but so slowly as to be almost imperceptible. Then it hit me. I was moving fast. Really fast. So fast, if made dodging bullets seem easy. The Sue fired. I saw the bullet move down the barrel, the slide inch back, and the muzzle flame.

I looked at the bullet, which was barely moving. It spun lazily through the air, leaving a cone of super-compressed air behind it. I realized that this was what made a sonic boom. I smiled. The author of the fic had given me a rather nasty, predatory smirk. I used it, and advanced on the Sue, who was starting to run away. I, moving a hundred—no, a thousand times faster, whipped my knife through the Sue's neck. It left a jagged inch-thick gap. I saw the Matrix distort again, as time resumed its normal flow.

The Sue's body instantly flew forward, disintegrating as it went. Behind me, I heard my Uzis clatter on the cement. I looked at the wall in front of me. Below the huge red stain on the brick wall, various pieces of Suvian anatomy lay on the ground. It looked like someone had hit the Sue with a three-inch cannon. I felt sick at the sight.

What more is there to say? The agents picked me up after killing a few other OCs, we went back to HQ, the Department of Geographical Aberrations burned the back alleyway where I had killed the Sue, and that was the end of my 'fic. At PPC HQ, I was given a choice. They could neuralyze me, and then return me to the canon Matrix, or I could sign on as an assassin. I chose to remain.

In the Matrix, the way computers actually work is never really shown. All I knew was that the operator pressed a few buttons, and something happened. I quickly found out that that was not the way it really was. I started learning, being taught by the excellent Makes-Things. While I learned, I managed the paperwork for the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology.

Once my computer training was complete, I decided to remain as the Dpt. of SAT's secretary. I'm sitting in the outer office now in my secretary disguise, guarding Makes-Things from whatever happens to come this way. I found that, when disguised as a nice little secretary, everyone who meets me underestimates me. There are several assassins who would faint cold if they found out that Tess keeps two loaded Uzis and a foot-long, razor sharp knife in her desk.

What's that you say? Something about if I like Makes-Things? Yes, I like Makes-Things. A lot. Yes, Makes-Things likes me as well. But, we haven't gone any further than that. And we don't intend to. Ever.