Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing; damn. The PPC belongs to the wonderful Jay and Acacia, OFUM and Lina Holling belong to Camilla Sandman, Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, GryffindorTower.net belongs to the Queens there, “The Imperial March” goes to the Star Wars continuum, and Red Dwarf is Grant Naylor’s (those wonderful people!). The fic, we don’t even want to own that. And finally, thanks to Jay for betaing this fic; we owe you lots!

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Two figures sat across from each other. If any normal person had chosen to walk in, they would have most likely rubbed their eyes in confusion, stared, and walked quickly away. One figure was a large, overgrown daisy in a pot. The other one was a cat. Well, not really a cat, per se, but more like a hybrid between a cat and a human, hence the term that they (no name in particular) use to call him: catperson. The cat’s name was Milask, an Agent in Training, who had been called up into the Marquis de Sod’s office. Being new to the whole PPC, he had to get a partner assigned to show him the ropes.

Well, I am going to assign you and your partner, if she ever gets here, to the Harry Potter fandom. They had a rather nasty influx of badfic in the last little while, the Daisy said. The Department of Bad Slash is in need of a lot of help.

“Yes, Mr. Sod. I am very excited about my first posting,” Milask replied, fidgeting in his seat. There was something about talking with a daisy two times bigger than yourself that was quite unsettling.

You do understand that we are not responsible for any mental anguish you sustain here? Needless to say, with all the dreaded badfics coming in as of late, the fandom was in dire need of agents, even more so than in the Lord of the Rings category (notorious for creating the worst Mary Sues).

Before Milask could open his mouth to give a hesitant reply, the door burst open and a short (and we do mean short), with very large glasses, Asian girl ran in. “I’m sorry I’m late, got lost,” she said to the Daisy. “You or one of the other plants need to put a map in this place.” Breathing hard, she looked from the Daisy to the cat... uh... person sitting across from him. “I didn’t know that you kept pets.”

“I am not a pet, I am a cat—like the one from Red Dwarf,” Milask replied with a bit of tension in his voice. “Is this the human that I will be working with?”

She blinked, not having expected the cat to reply. “You have the strangest taste in pets,” she said to the Daisy.

“Didn’t you hear me?” Milask almost shouted. “I am not a pet, pet and I are not equal!”

“Well, I’m sorry,” the girl said, slightly taken aback. She didn’t realize the cat was incredibly sensitive; they were usually so nice and quiet. Then again, this was the PPC and strange things usually turned up; like Alice, the smart, talking horse from Rohan. Then, what Milask said before suddenly registered. “What the... waitasecond. You?” She pointed to Milask. “You’re my partner?

“But, I’m not good at keeping pets!” she said to the Daisy. “You can’t possibly expect me to...”

Miss Dee— the Marquis de Sod said before he was cut off.

“I mean, I owned a goldfish once and she died after two days!”

Dee, if you would just be quiet for a second, I will explain everything, the Marquis said.

She opened her mouth to say something but closed it, sulking.

Now, this is Milask. He is going to be your new partner. No, I’m not finished yet. Don’t interrupt. You will both be assigned to the HP department of Bad Slash. And Milask— the Daisy turned to the catperson— this is Agent Dee. Now that introductions are over, please get out of here.

And the agents both found themselves pushed outside, the door shutting behind them.

“That was rude,” the Asian girl, Dee, said.

“So where is our office?” Milask asked the girl beside him, thinking of all the ways to be nasty to her. Thinking that I was a pet! “I mean, we get one, right?”

The girl sighed, clearly unhappy at the current predicament. “Yeah, from what I remember in the manual, when you transfer, you usually use the same control center, it’s just switched to a different continuum and department.”

“So where do we go from here?”

“Just follow me.”

“Okay.”

Twenty-five minutes later, the two finally found themselves at their destination, when it should have only taken them a few minutes. “Are you sure you know where to go—oh. Here we are. So that was a right turn and six lefts?” Milask tried to remember.

“Hm, plus the elevator. Don’t try to remember it; I do and I still get lost,” Dee said, opening the door and flopping down on her usual seat in front of the console. “Make yourself comfortable. Do you need anything? Maybe a nice litter box, or a scratch post?”

“I am not an animal, but some catnip would be nice.”

She looked him up and down. “Are you sure about that?”

“Look, Human, if I kept myself looking like you I would go to a surgeon,” Milask said, admiring himself in any reflection he could find. Gilderoy Lockhart, anyone?

“You don’t have to be so mean, you know. I’ve never seen...” She tried to think up a term for him. “One of your kind before.”

“Well, I do keep myself looking very pristine, and we will have to make room for my suits in here.” Milask looked around the room and saw... “No closet? Now where am I going to put those ten racks?”

“Why... uh, never mind. How about in your own personal room?” Great, not only was her partner not of the same species, but he was vain also. The list just went on and on... ‘Be nice,’ her inner voice admonished. ‘But I don’t wanna!’ she whined. Being nice, or attempting to be nice, was no fun.

Just then the alarm went off.

[BEEP, BEEP ARE YOU LISTENING? BEEP!!!]

“What was THAT?”

“Makes-Things should really turn that down.”

“WHAT?”

“Oh! Our first assignment!” she said, looking at the console screen as words started to pop up.

“Hmm... who is sleeping with whom in this one?” Milask asked nonchalantly, preoccupied with rubbing his poor abused ears.

“Oh dear. This is bad...” she said, her eyes scanning the screen quickly. “It seems that Harry and Voldemort are soul mates.”

“Okay, they are mortal enemies, how would they be soul mates again?” Milask was disturbed.

“Do you want to see for yourself? Dumbledore explains it in a few disgusting paragraphs.” Getting up, Dee went over to the corner and picked up two large backpacks. “Hmm, how well-versed are you in Potter canon?”

“Fairly well. I know that this would never happen, and that the canon characters would be horrified at the thought.”

“Eh, when you have time, though this is the PPC and you almost never do, read the books. Let me check our supplies first. Portal generator, CAD, paperback copies of the canon, candles, and chocolate.” She handed him the backpack.

“Don’t we have to change first?”

“Oh, right, let me set our disguises.” She went over to the console and started tapping some buttons. “There, Fifth Year Gryffindors.” Then, it was as if she realized the privilege of being in this particular continuum. “Oh! Perhaps we can meet Ron!”

“Aren’t we to have as little contact with the canon characters as possible?” Milask asked, seeing the glee in Dee’s eyes: the first and foremost sign of a luster. Well, if you don’t count the glomping and the drooling.

“We can admire from afar.” Her eyes gazed off before she shook her head, probably thinking of some perverted fantasy that would best not be described. “Okay, let’s go.”

Milask took the portal device and hit it against the wall to no avail. It bounced off the wall and hit him squarely on the forehead. “What am I doing wrong here?” he asked, rubbing the sore spot, a disgruntled look on his face.

“Didn’t they teach you anything in training? You just push the button.” To demonstrate, she took her own generator and pushed said button. “See? Oh, and if you break anything, you can find your own way into Makes-Things’ lab.”

The two of them stepped into the portal and reappeared in Dumbledore’s office. It was exactly like it looked in the movie, with the Sorting Hat on a bookshelf and portraits of past headmasters hanging all over. “Oh, Fawkes is so pretty!” Dee exclaimed, pointing to the phoenix.

Apologies and Past Mistakes

“Yes, the author should apologize for making us go through this dreaded excuse for a fic,” Dee said.

“And the mistake was to write it,” Milask commented.

“Disclaimer, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, we might as well sit back and observe, this is funny.” Dee took out a bar of Hershey’s. “Chocolate?” There was that ‘being nice’ rule again. Well, it wasn’t a rule set in stone, but it was a personal rule and kept her from killing anyone who annoyed her.

“Yes please!”

The two leaned against a bookshelf, eating and watching the abysmal scene unravel before them.

"Have you ever heard of binding spells Harry?"

"No, Professor."

"Oh.well.they are extremely powerful spells. They bind one person to another, completing the other person completely. I guess you could call them soul mates."

“Ugh, the unnecessary periods... Never heard of such a spell before.”

“Well you shouldn’t have; they don’t exist!” Milask noted.

“Think about how the spell could be used as character abuse if fangirls ever get their hands on it,” Dee said with an ominous tone, though she mentally saved the information for later. Not that she was going to use it, of course not, it was for... insurance. Yeah, that’s it.

“I am not listening, I am not listening. La la la la la la...” Milask went off.

"I have some news Harry - you've been bound to someone."

The words stunned Harry to silence. His mouth opened in shock and he run a hand through his unruly hair nervously. He finally found his voice and looked up, finding Dumbledore's sad blue eyes fixed intently on him. There was no twinkle in his eyes now.

"Who?"

“Why is it that they always describe Dumbledore as having a twinkle in his eyes? Is that the only description they could come up with?”

“There is always some thing that is fixated on. Be glad that it is only the eyes. There are some places that I would not want a description of,” Milask commented.

“Be glad you’re not in the Mary Sue department. Too many ‘emerald green eyes, fiery red hair,’ or ‘cerulean and silver eyes,’ or ‘silver yet pink hair,’ or...”

“I get the picture,” said Milask, putting up his hand in annoyance.

Then, Dumbledore proceeded to give Harry the horrible news. And it was horrible; the mere thought of it made both of the agents cringe. He was bound to Voldemort (well, Dumbledore’s exact words were, “…the most brilliant student ever to come to Hogwarts,,,powerful, handsome.talented.and extremley likable to those who got to know him.“ Aye, the bad punctuation.) The two agents could hear overly dramatic music playing in the background.

“Music is a bit dramatic, don’t you say?”

“Well, aspiring authors tend to have a penchant for it,” Dee replied, plugging her ears. Damn, that music was annoying.

Milask then began to hum the “Imperial March” theme from Star Wars. That tune was more annoying; she winced, trying to plug her fingers in her ears harder. Those two tunes should not be mixed together.

Harry stared at Dumbledore as if he had grown three heads and just said that he was about to join Voldemort. The words rolled around his brain, trying desperately to sink in. He was bound to Tom.no, he was bound to Voldemort! This had to be some sick joke.

"It isn’t a joke Harry.”

“Damn!”

“Don’t tempt us like that!” Milask pulled out his CAD from the right pocket of his backpack ("Remember to mute it,” warned Dee) and pointed it at the characters.

“Hmmm... well, it is reading ten percent out of character for Harry, and fifty percent for Dumbledore,” he reported to Dee.

“Not bad; at least they got Harry’s reaction right. It must have been Dumbledore’s description of Tom. Though I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.”

“Move on, shall we?”

At that moment, Harry got up and ran out of the room. The news was a bit too much for him, poor thing.

Even though he was in a human disguise, old habits died hard. Milask went down on all fours and chased after Harry, leaving Dee standing there in the office with her mouth open.

“Wait! You ca... but.... Oh, damn cat,” Dee muttered under her breath as she ran after him, nearly tripping on the stairs. She hated running, hated it, hated it, and hated it, almost as much as she hated fruit. Fruit was bad.

Harry raced through the corridors of Hogwarts completely ignoring the confused faces around him. He had to get out of here. It was a joke.it had to be a joke.But Harry knew deep in his heart that it wasn't. He was bound to Voldemort. He was bound to his parent's murderer.

“Look, no spaces between sentences!” Milask stated, terribly amused, though the person he was directing it to was a whole corridor behind him.

“Just shut up and follow him!” Dee yelled, almost out of breath.

Milask finally realized how strange he must have looked and stood up quickly. “Hope no one saw that,” he said, and continued to run, considerably slower and on two legs.

Luckily, at that moment, Harry stopped since Hermione was right in front of him. The students’ eyes were all turned towards the two, not paying attention to the agents.

“That was a close one.”

“Don’t... ever...” Dee managed to gasp out as she finally caught up.

"What's wrong? Harry?"

"Go away," Harry growled coldly.

"What the hell is the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me Harry Potter!"

"Its nothing to do with you."

"Were best friends." started Hermione.

"Leave it! For once in your life will you stop being such a nosy."

“For one thing,” Dee said, gasping and watching the scene, “Hermione doesn’t cuss.”

Milask pointed the CAD still in his hand at the two canon characters. Harry had degenerated another five percent, but Hermione, on the other hand....

[Hermione Granger. Human Female. Canon. Out of Character 75%. COMPLETE CHARACTER RUPTURE IMMINENT!!!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!]

Dee raised her eyebrows: Makes-Things had obviously been watching too much Lost in Space.

And when Hermione slapped Harry, her number went up to 83 percent. The CAD, had it not been muted, would have probably shrilled its head off (if it had a head). Instead, it started to heat up, causing Milask to throw it to the ground, where it short-circuited and died.

“When will the authors learn that friends don’t slap each other when one is having a bad day?”

“When they learn that Hermione is not a short-tempered know-it-all who slaps anyone who insults her?” replied Dee. Then, remembering something, she turned and gave Milask a slap upside the head.

Milask did a double-take upon being hit. “Now, what was that for?” he asked, rubbing the spot where she had hit him.

“For making me run—and since I can’t hit Harry...” she said grumpily.

“Well, it is not my fault that you don’t have my feline physique.”

“You’re not a feline! At least... not right... now,” she said, looking him up and down. Damn tall person (who used to be a cat). Actually... he didn’t look too bad as a human... Whoa, let’s not go there. Great, she really needed to get out more if she was starting to find her partner attractive. Mental note, one excursion into the Lord of the Rings continuum after this; Upstairs would never have to know.

Glaring at each other, they both turned back to the fic.

But Harry had heard enough. He turned and stormed away, leaving a pale and shaken Hermione to stand watching him leave, shock and fear on her face. Then anger replaced the other emotions and she breathed deeply.

"That's it! I’m sick of your 'I'm The Boy Who Lived' attitude! How dar you speak to me like that! Until you apologise we're no longer friends," she yelled after his retreating back.

Harry showed no sign of hearing her but inside he felt a deep sadness. I might as well get used to this, he thought, after all, I'm bound to the person they all hate. Perhaps I am a Slytherin at heart.the hat must have been right.

“Shouldn’t Hat be capitalized?”

“Yep,” answered Dee as she reached inside for her portal generator. The crowd that had formed around the two canon characters slowly began to disperse. “Let’s go. As I remember, Tom should be coming into the next chapter. The OOC-ness is making me nauseous, and Dumbledore is getting worse.”

“To chapter two, then!” They both stepped away from the crowd and walked into the portal.

* * *

“Wow, look at the Great Hall!” Milask’s eyes bugged out at the sight. It was more impressive in person, especially the ceiling.

“Aye, don’t do that to your eyes, please, it’s kinda spooky...”

Milask popped his eyes back into their usual position and walked down and sat at the Gryffindor table.

"I'm sure Severus will keep an eye on you so that you don't disappear while I go and meet Tom," Dumbledore winked before walking back out of the hall with what suspiciously sounded like a chuckle.

“Dumbledore has Professor Snape keep an eye on him?”

“Well, no one in this fic has any sound judgement, that’s for sure,” said Dee as she started piling food on her plate and eating. This was so much better than the PPC cafeteria.

Milask grabbed as much fish as possible and loaded it onto his plate. “I’m going to eat you, I’m going to eat you. Oh, too slow.” This earned him a strange look from his partner. She obviously hadn’t seen Red Dwarf.

Suddenly, the whole hall went quiet as Voldemort, in his old teenage body but with red eyes (damn the author), accompanied by a smiling Dumbledore, walked in.

“Wait a sec, Voldemort is a teenager? How in the world did that happen?” asked Milask incredulously.

“Some spell that he set on himself at 16 so that he could find love,” said Dee. The concept was disgusting, but the end result... that was another matter.

She took a new CAD reading of Dumbledore:

[Dumbledore. Human Male. Canon. Out of Character 89% CHARACTER GOING GOING AND STILL GOING!!!!]

“Why is Dumbledore suddenly so happy to meet Voldemort? Dear Eru those red eyes are scary.” She then pointed it towards Voldemort.

[Tom Riddle aka Voldemort. Human Male. Canonnoncanoncanonnoncannoncanon.] It made a noise like a ambulance siren, causing everyone in the Great Hall to cover their ears.

She banged the device against the table. “This is not good...”

“Turn it off, turn it OFF,” Milask tried to say quietly, though it came out as a shout.

Dee quickly switched the CAD to mute, but kept it in her hands, waving away the smoke that came from it.

From the view of the two agents, it seemed that Voldemort was admiring Harry and trying to touch the poor boy.

“Get away from him you slimy...”

“At least he’s a very handsome slimy...” said Dee, threatening to trail off into luster mode.

“Will I have to report you?” asked Milask, frowning.

"Perhaps Tom would like to go with you to lessons today, Harry," smiled Dumbledore.

"No.."

"Nonsense, Harry. I'm sure Tom would love to go."

Harry scowled again at the Headmaster but Dumbledore ignored it easily, continuing to smile at them both with affection. Dumbledore soon realised that Harry was in a mood and diverted his attention to Tom who smiled charmingly.

"So Tom, how are your Death Eaters lately?"

“What in the world... is Dumbledore playing matchmaker now?” Dee said incredulously. She didn’t even want to look at how OOC he was; the thing probably would have short-circuited.

“Why, why would Dumbledore upset the whole school by having Voldemort run around in it? All I can say is ‘Go Harry!’”

Dee nodded in agreement. “Is this making you sick, or is it just me?”

“Let’s look at the crowd.... Yep, everyone is sick.”

It was still silent and it was obvious that everyone in the hall could hear every word Tom and Harry were saying. Some (mostly in the Slytherin table) were laughing amongst themselves while everyone else just looked as if they were going to throw up.

"If we've got to be together we may as well do it without trying to kill each other. I admit that I find you attractive and the idea of being with you has grown on me. I prefer to keep you where I can see you, after all, you are the only one who can defeat me."

"I won't sleep with you."

"We'll see," shrugged Tom, his eyes strangely piercing.

“We will have to do some classes, and I don’t have a wand!” Damn, and he would have loved to have his own wand.

“Oh... whoops, forgot all about that,” said Dee weakly, still staring at the table. “Don’t worry, I don’t think we’ll need it. Besides, you can always tackle people and steal their wands with your catlike reflexes.”

“And ruin my robes? I don’t think so. Look, a crease!” Milask grabbed a mini iron from his backpack (who knows what he was doing with it on a PPC mission) and ironed the crease out of the robe.

“If you dirty them, you can always lick the dirt off,” said Dee, getting up. Protective urges and Tom did not belong in the same sentence. Though he was so incredibly hot (though it was too bad he turned evil, such a waste) when he smiled, her inner luster was very pleased.

Milask grabbed the back of her robe and glared. “Stop that; you don’t want to deal with the consequences.”

“What? You started it,” she said, looking very innocent.

“Let’s move on, okay?”

“Okay, we can fast forward through the classes. We just need one more affront to canon before the exorcism. Get ready for a real mess...”

“Let me guess, the walk up to the stairs to the new bedchamber?”

“Sadly, yes. I am going to have so many bad mental images before this is over.”

“You and me both. I don’t want to even know what happens at the end of this fic.”

“Well, Harry gets pregnant, gets raped by Malfoy, gives birth to twins, and Snape is the godfather. Other than that, nothing much happens.” In the words of Lina Holling, alas! What a mental image!

They walked out of the hall (where Tom was still sneaking glances towards Harry, incredibly disturbing for anyone watching) and went through a portal onto the next chapter, where it got worse. Cue the ominous dramatic music, please...

* * *

"Moony's coming tonight as well. We're the new Dark Art's Professors."

That year they had not had a Dark Arts teacher. Harry suspected that Dumbledore had been hoping for Sirius to be freed. He looked up suddenly, his lips parted in a silent question that Sirius understood immedietly.

"Vol...Tom told the Ministry that I was innocent. They could hardly say that Lord Voldemort was insane," he smiled.

“I tend to disagree on that point,” said Milask.

[Sirius Black. Human male. Canon. OOC 78% SEMI-COMPLETE CHARACTER RUPTURE!!!! BEWARE!!!]

“Okay, first of all, who uses secret nicknames for all to hear, and why are the students not afraid?”

“Chocolate?” asked Dee. “Nothing in this story makes sense and it’s better to not analyze it too much.” Chocolate is the answer to all your problems. When in pain, have some chocolate.

“Yes, please. No, more than that.”

“Now, why would the ministry believe Voldemort anyway? Didn’t they think Black was... Oh... Dear... Eru.”

Harry was obviously stunned. He hesitantly moved forward and tried to give Tom a quick hug of thanks but Tom had other ideas. He gripped Harry's slender waist and pulled him closer, slipping a hand to the back of his neck and lowering his face to press his lips to Harry's.

“My eyes, my eyes! Must not gouge, must not gouge!” Milask cried. “What are they going to do next?” He peeked out through the gap between his fingers.

Dee furiously looked through her bag. If chocolate doesn’t work, use Bleeprin. “Ah! Do you have any Bleeprin? I need something stronger than chocolate.”

Milask started digging crazily in his pack. “There must be some here... NO! The agony, there is no more left....”

And when there is no more Bleeprin, start going crazy. “What? What did you do with it? You just got here!” These were a few images that she could do quite well without. Damnit, where was Leto Haven when you needed him?

“The training was just horrible, I drank it every night!” Milask sighed—so many horrible memories, but luckily, all forgotten. “I guess they cut me back and didn’t give me any on this go.”

Breathing deeply, she glared at him. “It couldn’t possibly be that horrible. You survived, didn’t you?”

“Because I didn’t remember it.”

Dee turned back to the fic, but not before uttering some curses under her breath that were too vulgar for this type of PG rating.

“Please let us be nearing the end!” said Milask pleadingly.

“We’re not even close.”

“Damn!”

That was a better way to say thank you," he said easily, avoiding the disbelief in Harry's eyes and sweeping towards the table to sit next to a beaming Dumbledore.

"Tom Riddle just kissed me," stated Harry in disbelief.

"Yes," said Sirius, a little amused by Harry's disbelief.

"Ewwwwww! I'm not gay!"

“He isn’t, but this fic thinks differently. Poor Harry...” said Dee sadly.

“This hurts the head. I wonder where his Godfather was during this all. I don’t think that he would ever let this happen...”

"Course not Harry," Sirius said soothingly, leading Harry towards the table.”

“Oh... I spoke too soon....”

“Do you want to end this quickly and get it over with?” asked Dee. This was just becoming too much. “Let’s go.”

“On to the tower,” Milask said, wondering—not for the first time—why he chose this continuum. Or why he agreed to be in this particular department. Mental note, stop by the General Store quickly after this is over.

* * *

After dinner Dumbledore calmly told Harry that his belongings had been moved to a special flat designed for his and Tom's use. Harry was instantly suspicious when he saw Dumbledore's twinkling eyes and beaming smile.

He followed Dumbledore and Sirius, Tom by his side. They headed to the top of the castle. Harry watched as Dumbledore stopped by a painting of a young woman and waited for both Tom and Harry to crowd around

“Oh, how original, a tower room. I bet it has a breathtaking view,” said Milask sarcastically.

“And what’s even more original is the painting. Three guesses on how you get into the tower,” said Dee, equally sarcastic.

“Snake? Snake Speak? Oh, oh wait, is it Parseltongue?” Milask asked, jumping up and down.

And sure enough, the portrait opened (and we do mean open, as in splitting down the middle to reveal a doorway). “Good guess.” The two agents followed the characters inside.

They were in a tower. The room was round and large. The tower windows showed the Hogwarts grounds and the sea.

At the mention of Hogwarts being next to the sea, the canon lurched violently as if being pulled in one direction. It seemed to the agents that the castle was moving westward towards the sea. They both lost their balance.

“Well, there are enough candles for the job here,” said Milask, getting up very slowly.

“It’s not bad-looking, though...” said Dee, looking around while holding her stomach. That chocolate and lunch were threatening to go in the wrong direction. “I don’t feel so good...”

“Here... I must have some Gravol in here somewhere...”

Again Harry followed Dumbledore and Tom through another door and up another staircase. He was unaware of Tom studying his bottom as he climbed the stairs. Tom was glad that the robes he was wearing were loose. Harry was decidedly gorgeous and his body caused Tom to have a reaction that he definetly didn't want to be seen.

“Now that is a description that I really didn’t want to hear about Harry or Voldemort,” said Milask, not bothering to hide his disturbed and very disgusted look.

“And here I thought Tom had lost his sex drive after becoming Voldemort.”

And the two agents followed the canon characters as they were given a tour of the whole tower. Then, they finally came into the bedroom where everyone knew what was about to happen when Harry and Tom were left alone. Once again, cue the dramatic music...

Dumbledore and Sirius left the room leaving a furiously blushing Harry and an amused Tom. Tom watched him, noticing how the boy looked so innocent and pure in the candle light. He felt a gentle tenderness towards him.

“Why don’t you go and have a bath?” he suggested softly.

Harry hastily slipped into the bathroom, leaving Tom to stare in silence at the huge bed.

“Now?”

“Yes!” said Milask excitedly. His first real exorcism! He hoped it wouldn’t be too messy. Blood on one’s clothes didn’t suit him one bit.

“Hello!”

Voldemort turned around and quickly drew his wand. “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

“Milask, get his wand,” said Dee calmly, giving him some rope and taking out some candles and a copy of Goblet of Fire. “Oh, and be quiet about it—we don’t want Harry to find out just yet,” she added as an afterthought.

Milask smiled and pounced, grabbing the wand. Then he quickly tied Voldemort’s hands behind his back and then tied the character’s hands to his feet so that he couldn’t move. The sight was actually pretty comical since it wasn’t every day one would see Tom Riddle/Voldemort tied up and incapacitated. Milask looked at his stopwatch. “Ten seconds, a bit worse than my usual eight!” He turned to the character. “Now, let’s be civil here. You can get this back when everything is back to normal,” he said, waving the wand in front of Voldemort’s face. “Like it’s supposed to be,” he added dumbly.

“What do you think you’re doing here?” demanded Voldemort, looking fit to kill. If he’d had his wand, he probably would have killed them. “Give that back to me at once!” He was, after all, about to get some and didn’t want anyone interrupting.

“Silencio!” Milask pointed the wand at Voldemort, making him quiet instantly.

“Don’t worry, Tom, we’re going to make you all better in no time,” said Dee, walking up to a very enraged Tom Riddle. “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt. Well, maybe a little...” She walked up to Voldemort, who glared at her angrily from his position on the floor; then did what she was accustomed to doing: exorcising. “Get the hell out, slash demon! The power of Rowling compels you!” she shouted, and slammed the book down onto Tom’s chest. He convulsed three times, then coughed and sat up, still in his teenage body. He looked around, not having a clue where he was or what was going on, a good thing for the two agents.

“Now to get you back to your normal age.”

Just then, Harry decided to come out of the bathroom (and in a towel no less), and he looked from one agent to the other. Then, seeing his love interest on the floor all tied up, he ran to him and looked at him in a way that made both agents sick all over again. “Tom! What did you do to him?”

“Oh, nothing, we just fixed him,” Milask commented casually. Then, before Harry could react, he jumped on him and held him behind his back. “A little help here would be great!”

“You should have waited for the rope,” said Dee, coming over and tying Harry’s arms and legs together. “The girls at GryffindorTower.net are going to love this.” Goodness knows how many times they dreamed about Harry Potter in a towel. “Please stop staring at Tom like that, Harry, it’s very disturbing.”

After Dee finished tying up Harry, Milask went over and picked up the book. “So it is ‘by the power of Rowling,’ or did I miss something?” That’s it, he was going to take a little time off after this trip and do a lot of studying.

“It’s something like what I just did.”

“Okay, I will give this a try.” Milask turned toward Harry. “Begone, slash spirit! By the ultimate power of Rowling, begone!” Milask ended by hitting Harry on the chest with the book.

He spasmed a few times (not as badly as Tom) and sat up, looking very dazed and confused.

“Here, have some chocolate, Harry,” Milask said. “I will get you back to your room—you will be okay here, right Dee?” He didn’t want to be there when she exorcised away the author’s influence. Who knew how messy that could get?

“I’ll be fine; meet me in the Great Hall when you’re through. We need to neuralyze everyone.”

“Okay.” With that, Harry and Milask disappeared though the portal, leaving Dee alone with a very confused, and very tied up, Tom.

She sighed as she looked at him. “Now, it’s just you, me, and the authoress. Oh, what a waste, you could have had quite a career being a model.”

After the candles were lit and arranged in a circle, with Tom in the center looking very bewildered, Dee picked up her backpack and the copy of the book that Milask had dropped. Opening it, she held it up. “By the power of Rowling, I bid thee get your perverted ass out! Begone, foul authoress! You have done far too much damage and can no longer hold any power here!” Then, she took the wand and stabbed it into the center of the circle. The circle glowed and a gust of wind blew from out of nowhere (the room didn’t have any windows) and extinguished the candles. A dark spirit rose from the circle, wailing miserably (causing Dee to cover her ears in annoyance). “Oh, shut up already, you melodramatic freak!” she shouted, fanning the spirit away with her book.

Suddenly, the tower started shaking. “Oh damn!” It was collapsing upon itself. Dee quickly got out her portal generator. “Mobilicorpus.” Tom’s body started to levitate (it was better than carrying him) and she directed him into the portal. The room was being stripped away to reveal nothing but air. “Ah!” She quickly ran into the portal just as the last of the room and the rest of the tower vanished.

* * *

It was morning and everyone was sitting having breakfast, and also chattering on Tom Riddle and that very disturbing scene that had happened the previous day between him and Harry.

“Is Harry okay?” Dee asked as the portal closed behind her.

“Oh, he is fine. He will just need a couple of days to get over that ordeal, though,” Milask said, scanning the crowd. “Everyone is here?”

“Yep, even Sirius; we’ll need to get him out of here.”

Together, they both walked up to the teachers’ table, where Harry was sitting, and beside him was Tom’s empty seat.

“So, what did you end up doing to Tom?”

She smiled, a rare one. Alone with an incapacitated Riddle, what could have been better? Not that she did anything to him, of course not... “I dropped him off at his dad’s gravesite, and he’s back to normal, snake face and all.” Who would ever sacrifice such a pretty face for that of a snake wannabe was beyond her. “It was all a simple Finite Incantatem.”

They got up and stood on top of the teachers’ table. Milask turned to the students in the Hall, shouting, “Everyone, if you will please look this way! Yes, that means you down there! That is great! Now, please look at my partner here and everything will be fine!”

“Thank you.” Dee took out the neuralyzer. “If you would all look right here, all the questions you have concerning Tom Riddle and Harry Potter will be answered.” She pointed to the spot where the red light was supposed to flash. “Sunglasses, on.”

They each took out a pair of shades. Milask scanned the students and the teachers to make sure everyone was looking. “Check.”

“Two days should it.” And the button was pushed, producing a nice bright flash that had everyone’s eyes going glassy. “Now, you’re all just settling down having breakfast and nothing unusual at all has happened.”

They got down from the table. “Sirius, you come here,” Milask said as they started walking out of the hall.

Sirius, eyes still glassy, nodded. He stood up and followed the two agents out as the students and teachers started to recover their minds, but thankfully, not soon enough to see him. “One Grimmauld Place, coming up,” said Milask as he took out his portal generator.

* * *

Leto was just finishing up for the day. Nothing was better than having the store all cleaned and the minis sleeping in the corner. Saml was over with Sméagul: Milask had asked Leto if he could keep Saml here for the day since it was his first day at the PPC.

Unfortunately, Sméagul and Saml never really got along with each other, probably due to their namesakes. Leto had to keep them a couple of feet away from each other, lest they start bickering—bickering would lead to fighting, and fighting would mean they started burning down everything in sight (though the store was in the middle of all plot holes and thus easy to fix).

Still, he could not have anything happen to his General Store. Where then would the PPC agents get their chocolate and Bleeprin? No more of that would lead to unhappy agents, and unhappy agents led to a blood-hungry mob...

As he was shooing away Merry and Pippin (this time they were trying to dress up as very short PPC agents), the portal opened. In came Milask, looking much less clean and spiffy than normal, and what must have been his new partner, looking very bedraggled and extremely cranky. He recognized her immediately also, since she came here almost daily for chocolate. How she ate it so fast, he would never know.

“Well, well, well! I would say what did the cat drag in, but that would not be very appropriate here!” Leto said to the two agents.

“Oh well, he fits the description of one,” said Dee.

“Well, did you have to be so dramatic at the end there? A quick getaway would have been nice, but no, I had to drag you away from Ron!” Milask said, royally peeved.

“Well, it wasn’t my fault he followed us out of the hall! He’s so yummy! Though Hermione looked as if she was going to kill me.” She sighed. This had been a bad mission, but at least her inner luster was happy. “Okay, Leto, give me two... no... make it five boxes of chocolate and eight bottles of Bleeprin,” she said, remembering why they were there.

Leto was taken aback. “Milask, what fandom did you go into again?”

“Harry Potter, slash department,” was all that needed saying.

Leto had to cringe.

“And someone here ran out of the precious Bleeprin in an hour of need.” Dee cast a glare at Milask, who glared back.

Leto looked guiltily at his feet. “Um, we’re out of Bleeprin right now.”

“What do you mean you do not have Bleeprin?” demanded Milask.

“Just an hour ago, some agents from the Lord of the Rings slash department came though.” He waited for the mad outbursts to start.

“What?” shouted Dee, making Leto cringe again. She looked as if she was going to start attacking him. Milask looked as if he would start pouncing, damn catpeople and their quick reflexes. Leto took a few steps back to be safe.

“An order is coming in tomorrow. I guess you will have to drink some of the Pink Stuff from Miss Bast if you want the memories gone now,” Leto said.

“I need something now, or else I am going to sic Gabriel on you the moment she comes back from OFUM!” shouted Dee.

“Well... I do have a small stash of Bleepto-Dismal in the back for emergencies; I guess this is one of them. But I’ll go after you if Miss Cam needs some and there is nothing here.” Leto ran to get the bottles from the back. He came back a minute later with two small bottles of a very pink liquid.

“Thank you, charge that to my PPC credit card.”

“Just remember to go back to your office to drink those. I don’t want to have the minis carry you back!” Leto commented.

“Come on, Saml,” Milask called to his mini-Balrog. “Let’s go, or do we need anything else, Dee?”

She looked at the boxes of chocolate and the very pink stuff in her hand. “Nope, I think this is going to last a while, until the next mission anyway. Thanks, Leto. I’ll be back.”

“See you soon, and don’t leave without at least a bottle of Bleeprin next time!”

“See you around, Leto,” said Milask as they walked out the door and into a portal.

The two agents disappeared and Leto went back to cleaning. Yep, just another day in the PPC General Store, complete with demands, threats, and outbursts.

---

Read the original horror here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1135101

[Archivist’s note: The above URL has been preserved for posterity, but the link will take you to a Wayback Machine capture of the first chapter. If you prefer live links, the entire story was translated into French and German, and you can check out both versions still on Fanfiction.net.]

Dee’s A/N: No offense to anyone who may be a cat-person (sorry GreyLadyBast!), but it’s fun to poke fun at Milask. He’s too sensitive, and vain...

Oh dear Eru that fic was horrible! I mean, the concept was interesting, I’ll give the author that. But... the characters... Thank goodness we didn’t go any farther or else I might have gone nuts. Mpreg! There’s mpreg, that’s my number one slash pet peeve right there! There is no way you can be pregnant if you don’t have a uterus! When will slashers understand that? And this was only the first mission! How much worse can it get? Excuse me while I go take a drink out of my new bottle of Bleepto-Dismal...

Milask’s A/N: Well, I looked my best for this day’s exorcism. The robes were pressed and wrinkle-free! But as for the spirits that were exorcised, death to them. Death, death, death! Harry and Voldemort are death enemies, Voldemort does not want lovers, just servants! And I have to agree with Dee about mpreg, which is just not possible! But alas, I read the whole fic. Now I am off to find some Bleeprin or more Bleepto-Dismal...