Part II – Echo and Kat in "Life and death of Kireion the falcoknight"
"Oof!" Echo landed heavily on the ground again.
"Ooh, poor Echo!" Kat said in a condescending voice. She had remembered the portal's tendency to tilt forward at a forty-five degree angle, and managed somehow to land on her feet, but just barely. It probably helped that she was part feline. She reached and helped Echo up.
"Thanks," Echo grunted. She brushed herself off, taking notice of the hooded cloak and long dagger at her side.
"So, we're assassins as well?" Kat asked, twirling about and looking over her new human body.
"Yeah, not my most favorite disguise, but probably the most accurate one!" Echo nodded, straightening out the dirk at her side.
"CHAPTER 5: NEW JOURNEY" suddenly boomed out above them.
"Ah! My ears! My poor ears!" Kat whimpered, putting her hands over her ears.
"Chapter five?" Echo wondered. "What happened to chapters one through four?"
Kat twitched several times, looking greatly pained. "Script . . . form . . . no . . . punctuation . . . lack . . . of . . . capitalization . . . ." She growled and shook her head. "Ya know, script form is fine for humor stories, but very rarely, if ever, does it work in anything else! There's just not enough room for descriptions!"
"You're telling me?" Echo asked, looking around. "Look at this place!"
As there was absolutely no description to anything, they were standing in a very dull, blank-looking field. Eliwood was talking to the Gary Stu, named Kireion.
Kat whipped out her notebook. "Okay, first charge, having an unpronounceable name."
"How about the second charge, making Nergal an insane donkey/female dog hybrid?" Echo suggested.
Kat stared at her. "Echo, that's not what the author meant, you know. A little crude and completely out of character, but still, not what he meant."
"I don't like swearing," Echo said stubbornly. "And I'm free to interpret it however I want, right?"
"True!" Kat agreed, and making Nergal an insane donkey/female dog hybrid was added to the notebook.
Then, in a dull, synchronized voice, Lyn and Hector confirmed that Nergal was an insane donkey/female dog hybrid.
Kat twitched. "Redundancy . . . ."
Echo stared in horror. "They've become droning zombies! Poor Lyn and Hector!"
"Arch Sage Athos said . . . . Dang it! Only women can ride pegasi! They won't allow males on them!" Kat exploded. "How in thunder can this Stu ride one?!"
"Stu power." Echo nodded sagely. Then she cocked her head, looking thoughtful. "That, and apparently he and the Sue don't actually ride pegasi. It seems like they take the name 'Falcoknight' seriously. They ride falcons."
"Falcons . . . ." Kat's eyes suddenly glazed over, and she unconsciously licked her lips, looking, at the moment, very feline. "Those are uncanon, aren't they?"
Echo frowned. "Down, kitty! Remember, you're in human form right now. Just . . . charge the Sue and Stu."
"Spoilsport!" Kat growled, writing down both having a male Falcoknight and riding falcons.
The Stu mentioned the fact that the Sue, named Melissa, wasn't the best rider around, but, if the Arch Sage said so . . . .
Echo whimpered. "The bad grammar! The lack of capitalization! The famine of punctuation! It hurts!"
Suddenly, with a poink, the Sue appeared next to the Stu.
"Whoa!" Echo jumped. "Where did she come from?!"
"hello Melissa I brought you a new falcon," the Stu said droningly, his sentence lacking capitalization and punctuation.
With another poink, a falcon appeared. Kat was at first startled, but then started staring at the falcon with all the intensity of a hungry predator.
The Sue squealed with happiness, kissed the Stu on the cheek, then ran off with the falcon. The Stu blushed.
"Ooooo they sure like each other," Hector said rather emotionlessly.
"Okay, charge!" Echo growled. "Giving Hector the maturity of a kindergartner!"
"Huh?" Kat was still eying the falcon. "Whad'ja say?"
"Gah, give me the notebook and I'll write the charges down!" Echo rolled her eyes. "Geez, once a cat sees a bird . . . ." She grabbed the notebook and scribbled some things in it. She glanced up, noted the conversation, and turned back to the notebook. "And making Lyn say 'teehee'. That's definitely a charge!"
Echo also put down the charge of animal abuse as the Sue rode the falcon around.
"How do those itty-bitty wings hold her up like that?" Kat wondered, still unable to take her eyes off the predatory bird.
"Sue-power," Echo grumbled.
Apparently Sue-power wasn't enough in this case, as the falcon, unable to hold up the Sue any longer, crashed into a statue that appeared and stood mysteriously in the middle of the blank and boring field. Hector commented on how Florina could've dodged it, and Lyn and Serra (who appeared with a poink) teased him in a sing-song voice.
Of course, this was after Kent appeared, startling everyone and causing them to suddenly go "ahhh." His first lines were how beautiful the Sue was, then he went on to tell them that he had "ditched" Sain with a girly man named Lucius.
"Okay, that was so not Kent!" Echo snarled. "That's it! I claim the Sue!" Although she didn't obsess about him like she did Heath and Erk, she definitely had a soft spot for the noble cavalier. "And the Stu's charging them fifty grand to join?! Maybe we should add robbery to the charge list as well. What do you think?"
There was no reply.
"Er, Kat?" Echo glanced around. "Kat?"
Her partner was gone.
It didn't take Echo long before she found Kat. All she had to do was follow the trail of falcon feathers until she found the small campfire with the falcon cleaned, spitted, and roasting cheerfully over the flames.
"Hi, Echo!" Kat said cheerfully, poking the fire with a stick. She noticed the look Echo gave her and shrugged. "Hey, I may look like a human right now, but I'm still a Calgor. No denying these feline instincts!"
Echo eyed the roasting bird with a hint of distaste. "Well . . . at least you're cooking it."
Kat shrugged cheerfully as she reached over to turn the bird slightly. "Well, I didn't want to press my luck too much!"
Echo sighed, giving up. "Fine . . . I'll go find some more charges, then. Come join me as soon as you're done eating, got it?"
Kat saluted. "Yes, boss!"
Echo walked off, muttering something about "should've had a dog instead," leaving Kat to her happy little meal.
Echo managed to find the Sue and Stu just as the Stu was trying to convince the Sue to come with them. The Sue declined, saying she couldn't leave her parents. The Stu offered her 25,000 gold.
"Oh, we don't want to look desperate, do we?" Echo rolled her eyes.
The Sue told him that her mother was dying and her father was lonely, so she couldn't.
"What is it with Sues and unhealthy mothers?" Echo wondered furiously to herself as she wrote the charge of having a Sue-past in the notebook. "And she can't leave because her father is lonely? That implies things I don't even want to think about!"
The Stu then offered to give her father "Milly" and buy her mother the best doctor in town.
Echo frowned. "Into slave trading, are we?" She was getting both bored by lack of description and annoyed by the horrible grammar. When she got bored and annoyed, she tended to become a little more sarcastic then usual. "What, you're just going to waltz into the town square and buy a doctor? Can you just pull them off the shelves in the local pharmacy? Inside spiffy little cardboard boxes that say something along the line of 'Limited Edition Town Doctor! Now with Realistic Healing Action! Accessories sold separately'."
"Talking to ourselves now, are we?" Kat suddenly showed up behind her, causing her to jump.
"Kat!" Echo glared at her friend for startling her, then raised an eyebrow. "Finished already?"
Kat looked disgusted. "I took one bite and threw away the rest. I think the Sue contaminated it or something, 'cause I've never tasted anything so disgusting!"
Echo looked curious. "Even more disgusting than the time you tried to eat that four-year-old candy bar that I found in my brother's sock drawer, that I had kept as a memento until you ate it when I wasn't looking?"
Kat's face paled at the memory. "No, thank goodness, not that bad!" She shook her head vigorously. "Ack! The memory! Must . . . forget!" She quickly looked up. "Hurry, I need a distraction! What did you find out about the Sue and Stu?"
"Um, that they're slave traders, the Sue has a Sue-past, and the Stu is going to give a certain 'Milly' to the Sue's father so he won't be lonely anymore, which, actually, sounds pretty . . . um . . . wrong."
"Milly?" Kat looked confused. "What's a Milly?"
In a second, her question was answered.
"She's so cuuuuute!" the Sue squealed.
Kat and Echo stared.
"Oh, dear heavens! What is it?" Kat whimpered.
Milly stood in front of the Sue and Stu, looking idiotically happy. Apparently, she was a wyvern/ferret hybrid. Unfortunately, the author never actually described her, so the canon world did the best it could, mixing the two beasts. The result was a long, thin, tiny, furry ferret body with huge wyvern legs and head attached.
"Kind looks like Dr. Frankenstein experimented with a wiener dog and T-Rex parts," Echo observed.
"Make it go away!" Kat wailed, covering her eyes.
The Sue and Stu didn't see anything wrong, however, and happily decided to show the beast to the Sue's father. True to the story form, the Sue's father (later to be named MisterDranig) appeared out of nowhere with a poink. The first question the father asked was how the Stu got a wyvern and a ferret to mate in the first place.
"Okay, we know there's only one thing on that man's mind!" Kat said in disgust.
"Well, as the Sue said herself, he's a very lonely man!" Echo chuckled.
"Ew!" Kat squinched her eyes. "Bad image! Bad image!" She turned and glared at her partner. "Thanks a lot! Now I'm scarred for life!"
"I'll give you some Bleeprin when we get back," Echo said absently. The combination of bleach and aspirin was a popular product in the PPC.
The father inquired about what they were planning to do with his wife, to which the Sue explained that the Stu was going to buy a doctor. The father commented on what a nice man the Stu was, and he approved of him, causing both to blush. The Stu commented on the fact that, even if cost his life, he would protect the Sue.
"Oh, isn't that sweet!" Kat said in a honey-sweet voice.
"Ah, yet another subtle hint at romance," Echo said sarcastically.
They continued to watch the Sue and Stu for a while.
"Erg . . . ." Kat looked ill. "This is pointless. It's basically saying the same thing over and over."
"The Stu likes the Sue, Hector likes Florina, Lyn is an airhead, everybody makes fun of them, rinse, repeat," Echo agreed.
After a long and repetitive introduction to the group, in which Echo suspected everyone was severely out of character, they all climbed into a carriage that Rath had stolen. The two PPC agents looked slightly perplexed.
"A carriage?!" Echo said in disbelief. "Since when did they ride in a carriage?"
"Da widdle Sue didn't want to get her precious footsies dirty," Kat theorized.
"How in thunder did everybody fit inside that carriage?" Echo wondered. "Every single party member, not to mention the horses and supplies!"
"And Rath stole it?" Kat wrinkled her nose slightly, confused. "How would Rath steal a carriage? It's not like you can walk out of a Walmart with one under your coat!"
"And Matthew's the thief, not Rath!" Echo protested. "I'd put all the characters left out as a charge—Heath-chan, Guy, Nils, etc.—but I find it more of a mercy."
"Oh, and put that as yet another charge of animal abuse, as this carriage carrying everybody, including their supplies and horses, is pulled by a single horse," Kat told her.
Echo frowned as she watched the carriage pull out, pulled by the single horse. "So, now what? We can't get into the carriage, the Sue and Stu will see us!"
"Er, do you really want to?" Kat asked her. "There's horses in there, remember, and I'm sure that they're not very happy about riding inside."
"Hm." Echo nodded. "True." She stopped and thought a bit. "Hey, guess we should go take care of Milly, huh?"
"Goody!" Kat said happily. "Time to kill the draconian hot dog!"
It didn't take them all that long to find the poor misshaped animal. It was sitting sadly in a corner.
Kat walked up to it and, drawing her dirk, killed it quickly. "I was feeling merciful," she explained.
Echo nodded sadly. "For that poor creature, death was the most merciful thing you could've done for it."
Kat sheathed the dirk after cleaning it off. "So . . . now that that's done . . . now what?"
Echo thought for a moment, then pulled out the remote activator. "Well, I vote we just portal to wherever they're going, and meet them there."
"Then can we kill the Sue and Stu?" Kat asked eagerly.
"Sure, why not?" Echo said. "I'm getting sick of the constant bad grammar, and basically, this whole story is one long charge, so it's not like we have a lack of those."
Her eyes glazed over as she began to read the Words. "Lessee, they talk about how comfy the carriage is, then . . . where do they arrive? Hm? Oh . . . NO!" Her eyes snapped back to normal in a hurry with a trace of panic. "Kat! Hang on! We're due for a MAJOR time jolt! The entire fic starts completely over!"
"WHAT?!" Kat gave a start. "But I hate time jolts!"
"Well, we really don't—"
Suddenly there was the most unpleasant jolt as the world they were in began to twist and warp, time a lost factor at the moment. Everything around them began to bend and phase in and out of existence, then suddenly righted itself and became normal with a stomach-dropping jolt.
Echo couldn't handle it. She collapsed by the nearest bush and completely lost her lunch and the three packages of Fun-sized Skittles.
She groaned and brushed her blonde hair out of her face as she sat back. That definitely wasn't pleasant!
Suddenly her hand froze. Blonde hair? But . . . the assassin disguise had short, spiky red hair . . . how could . . . .
Panicking, she glanced down. She was back to her normal form, shoulder-length hair and black PPC uniform. But, if she had lost her disguise . . . .
"Kat!" she yelped, standing up. "Kat, are you . . . ." She stopped as she realized her partner wasn't there. "Uh, Kat?"
All she could see was the empty, descriptionless plains they had been in. No sign of her partner anywhere.
"Kat, if you're just off eating another falcon, I'm going to be very angry!"
"Oh, great!" Echo sighed. "I'm stuck in a bad fic, my disguise has shorted or something, and my partner's missing." She glanced around. "Well, at least the charges won't be that hard, as the story's just repeating itself." She pulled out the charge notebook, which she had still been carrying, circled all the charges written down, and wrote "x2" next to it.
"There!" she said, studying it. "Done with the charges. Now, to find Kat so we can kill the Sue and Stu and be out of here." With that, she tucked the notebook in her bag and trotted off.
"Ugh . . ." Kat groaned painfully, then slowly hoisted herself from the ground and spat out some grass. "Okay, that really wasn't the most pleasant experience!"
She waited for a moment, expecting a reply from her partner. When there wasn't any, she glanced up. "Um, Echo?"
There was no sign of her partner anywhere.
She sat up and scratched her head. "Huh, that's weird! I wonder where she went!" She froze when she felt two tufted feline ears on top of her head. "Uh-oh!" Twisting around, she noticed that she was back in her normal simple robe, and was once again covered in tawny fur with huge paws instead of the boots that came with the assassin disguise.
She picked up her tail and stared at it. "Well, I guess it's safe to say that I'm no longer in disguise! That's not good!"
She thought about it for a moment, then decided that it would take too much energy to fret about it. "Hmm . . . well, I suppose I better find Echo first, then we can sort this all out!" Kat, true to her nature, didn't let what she considered to be small stuff bother her.
With that, she got up, dusted herself off, and trotted off.
Echo growled and grumbled under her breath. "Where is that stupid Calgor!" she asked herself angrily, worried for her partner's sake. She watched the Sue and Stu converse stupidly with the out of character and totally zombified characters of Rekka no Ken. "This borders on almost ridiculous! We're almost to the point of them going into the carriage, and I still haven't found any sign of Kat!"
She watched the Sue and Stu for a moment more before turning away disgustedly. "Well, no point staying here. Already got enough charges to kill 'em, just need Kat." She thought for a moment. "Hey, that Milly-thing will be back, since everything reset. Maybe I'll just go kill that while I'm waiting. Kat never could keep her nose out of trouble, so I bet she'll show up then!"
She thought for a moment. "And the falcon needs to be killed too, but, strangely enough, I haven't seen it for a while." She shrugged. "Kat can sniff it out. She's a cat . . . person . . . kinda . . . and it's a bird."
With that plan, Echo trotted purposefully out.
Kat stared at the dead pile of feathers at her paw-feet and poked it carefully, watching for movement. "Okay, are you gonna stay dead this time? 'Cause I'm sure I killed you and roasted you over a fire not more than a few hours ago, although time doesn't mean much here, I'll give you that. But I don't have any tolerance for zombie falcons, so I'll give you one more chance to answer me truthfully before I get really nasty. Are you dead?"
There was a slight breeze that ruffled the Sue-falcon's feathers slightly.
Kat took this a sign it was still alive and pounced on the battered ball of feathers, catching it in her paws and tossing it in the air, then pouncing on it again and batting it around vigorously. Slightly panting, she crouched over the battered falcon when she was done.
"Ha, thought you fooled me there, didn't'cha!" she purred victoriously. She gave it once last swat, then, convinced the Sue's falcon was finally dead, she stood up and gave a look that only cats could perfect, one of complete self-satisfaction and smug pride.
She swished her tail several times, thinking, before grabbing a pawful of the falcon feathers scattered all over the ground and stuck them in her Sue-bag. "Now I can prove I fought a zombie falcon!" she said happily. "Won't Echo be proud? Well, once I find her, that is!"
She twirled about and marched off, looking every ounce the victor.
"Milly!" Echo called softly, creeping through the underbrush. "Here, Milly! I'm not going to huuurt youuuu! I'm just going perform a meerrrcy kiiillling!" She stopped and looked around in disgust as there was no sign of the hybrid. "Really, c'mon, I'm doing you a favor here! It must be pretty uncomfortable, being all wimpy like that!"
Suddenly there was an angry bellow behind her, and she whirled around. "Or . . . not . . . ." She gulped. "Holy Cans of Dr. Pepper! You've grown!"
Indeed, this time around, Milly had changed. It seemed that canon was just throwing the ferret/wyvern parts together randomly, and this time around Milly largely resembled a wyvern with ferret ears (though very much wyvern head), a ferret tail, and its front forearms were ferret. The rest was pure, furious, plenty-of-sharp-teeth wyvern.
With that, Echo did what any other sensible agent would do. She threw the charge notebook at Milly's head and took off running.
Milly roared angrily and took off in the air, flapping her mighty wings and looking like a flying Tyrannosaurus Rex with her tiny, furry forearms.
"I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!" Echo whimpered, running as the beast roared above her. "And to die by a flying ferret lizard named Milly. Couldn't they think of anything a little more dignified?"
She noticed the carriage sitting in the middle of nowhere, empty while it waited for the Stu and Co. to arrive. As it was the only shelter, she headed straight for it, not confident that it would hold off Milly, but it was her best bet now.
She was almost there, when there was a crash in front of her as Milly landed rather awkwardly. The beast managed to scramble to its feet without use of its furry front paws, and let out a roar at Echo, standing between her and the carriage.
"Oh, Thunder!" Echo squeaked, skidding to a halt.
Milly made as if to lunge at Echo, but she was suddenly stopped as a furious Kat leapt onto her head and beaned her on top her head with Ed, the Elfire Tome she now carried everywhere.
"Kat!" Echo yelped in surprise.
Kat leapt off the thrashing Milly and landed gracefully on her feet, thanks to her cat heritage. She ran up to Echo and grabbed her hand. "Hi, Echo! Run!"
"Wha . . . ?" was all Echo could get out before Kat took off running, dragging her along. "Hey! Where are we going?!"
"Saw Milly, made trap!" Kat huffed out, not slowing down.
Echo ducked under a tree branch, then turned at glanced at the pursuing angry Milly. "A plan?! You?!"
"Yup!" Kat suddenly skidded to a halt beside a tree. "And here we are!"
"Kat!" Echo squealed. "In case you forgot, there's a giant ferret/wyvern behind us who would very much like to eat us!"
"Which is why I made this!" Kat reached behind the tree and whipped out a strange contraption with pride.
"It's a toaster with falcon feathers duct-taped all over it," Echo told her blankly. "Am I missing something here?"
"Not just falcon feathers!" Kat told her. "Zombie falcon feathers!" She looked a little sad. "I wanted to keep them as a souvenir, but I suppose our lives are slightly more important."
"Forgive me!" Echo said dryly. "I didn't know there was a difference!"
Suddenly Milly landed again and let out an angry roar.
Echo gave an "eep" and covered her eyes. "It was nice working with you, Kat, in a weird, out-of-body experience sort of way!"
"You hungry, Milly?" Kat's voice was low and dangerous. "Well, eat this!"
She chucked the feather-covered toaster at Milly, who merely caught it in midair and, with a sadistic grin, crunched it between her teeth.
There was a sudden loud buzz, and Milly roared as electricity began coursing through her body, sparks flying everywhere.
Echo peered through her fingers, and then watched in amazement as Milly reared back, roaring and thrashing, then collapsed to the ground. A furry paw gave a twitch, then the body lay still, smoking slightly.
"And that," Kat said grimly, "is the reason you never chew on toasters that are plugged in."
Echo turned to stare at her. "Plugged in? Plugged in to what?! The only electricity they have in Fire Emblem is the kind Erk uses!"
"Hmm? Oh, I had plugged it into my portable electric generator," Kat explained.
"Portable generator?" Echo really looked confused. "Since when did you have a portable generator?!"
"I just pulled it from my Sue-bag!" Kat explained patiently. "I usually bring it with! How else would I be able to use my microwave?"
"Your . . . microwave?" Echo raised an eyebrow.
"For when I get hungry?" Kat rolled her eyes.
"You know, I don't really wanna know." Echo sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Let's just . . . get this over with and kill the Sue and Stu. I'm really getting sick of this fic! One can take only so much bad grammar and horrible structuring!"
"Can do!" Kat said cheerfully, rolling up the extension cord that she had used to plug in the toaster and sticking it in her empty-looking Sue-bag. "Just let me get my generator put away, then we can go!"
After Kat put everything away into her Sue-bag, including the dented-up toaster that she decided to save as a souvenir, they headed out.
As everyone basically had no life or character left, nobody objected much as Echo charged the Sue and Stu with having a Stu name, with making Nergal a crazy female dog/donkey hybrid, with creating a male Falcorider, with turning all the characters into droning zombies, with actually riding falcons instead of pegasi, with causing characters to appear out of nowhere, with really bad grammar and capitalization, with making every single member of Rekka no Ken out of character, with the Sue having a Sue past, with creating Milly, with making Rath steal a carriage, with making everybody ride in said carriage (pulled by a single horse), and with a major time jolt. Everything times two. Then she calmly killed the Stu while Kat pounced on the Sue and strangled her.
The moment the two were dead, however, the world began to fizzle and pop as every canon character began to disappear to wherever they were supposed to be in canon.
Echo quickly pulled out her remote activator. "Quickly!" she urged Kat. "This void isn't going to last much longer! Canon's already starting to reappear!"
"But . . . what about those two?" Kat whined, pointing at the Sue and Stu bodies. "I wanted to throw them into the ocean or something! Send them swimming with the fishes, ya know?"
Echo rolled her eyes. "We can do that next time. Their bodies are probably going to disappear along with this author-created void world, along with us, if we don't hurry!"
"Fine, fine . . ." Kat grumbled, hopping through the portal. "And we didn't get to have any fun with this one!"
Echo followed behind her, and they both found themselves back in their headquarters. The other two agents didn't seem to be back yet, but that was no surprise, as the badfic had been so incredibly short.
"Hey!" Kat suddenly perked up. She dug in her bag and pulled out the dented, feathered toaster. She whirled about to proudly show Echo. "Can we put this on the console? I want everybody to see it!"
Echo sighed. "Why not? It's not like the room can get any tackier."
Kat squealed with joy and ran to the console, where she reverently put the dented, feathered toaster on top, where it balanced wobbly on uneven legs.
"And thus ends another Sue story." Echo nodded.
A/N - What can I say, this is one of the stories that the author seemed to slap together in five to ten minutes. It started off with chapter five and just repeated itself constantly. One of the few badfics that actually did give me a headache! And I still don't know what it is with Sues and riding falcons instead of pegasi. This has to be the third one I've seen!