Bleeprin: Created by Meir Brin, Bleeprin is a combination of bleach and aspirin. It comes in the form of a white, chickpea-sized (or large-normal-pea-sized) pill. It is used to soften the effects of reading horrific badfic — the bleach erases the bad mental images, and the aspirin eases the headache. According to Meir Brin, this wonder-medicine is so generally spiffy that it also can cure social anxiety attacks. It is manufactured by the mini-Aragogs in the basements of HFA. Within a few short weeks of its invention, Bleeprin easily replaced the time-honored but painful — and permanently crippling — custom of gouging one’s eyes out with a spork as the preferred way of dealing with badfic (banging one’s head against a doorpost is still widely in effect, however). Bleeprin comes in two other forms: Bleepto-Dismal and Bleepka.

Note: Please refrain from reminding the PPCers that this is chemically impossible. They already know that. They don’t care. However, if you remind them, it may no longer work; then they will probably kill you.

Bleepto-Dismal: A liquid form of Bleeprin, Bleepto-Dismal is somewhat milder, as there is a lower bleach-to-water ratio.

Bleepka: Either Bleepto-Dismal mixed with vodka, or Bleeprin dissolved in vodka. In truth, the vodka is not completely normal vodka. Meir Brin describes Bleepka as “an anti-explosive Bleeprin-like pseudo-alcoholic beverage”; fiddling was needed because Bleeprin, when mixed with alcohol, explodes — as in the tragic death of Jen Littlebottom on Friday, 2 May 2003. Her last utterance was “Sheesh….” Happily, Jen was resurrected moments later by the mini-Aragogs. There’s a lot of that on this board.

Galadriel Brand™ Lembas: Brought to the PPC courtesy of Jen Littlebottom, this Galadriel Brand™ Lembas is gotten directly from the Lady of Light herself.  Says Jen, “I just have Maeluiwen go ask for more for me. Works every time :)” (Maeluiwen is, of course, the PPC’s resident Alternative-Lifestyle Mary Sue, who dies and is resurrected a number of times a week.*)  This waybread comes in such exciting flavors as Orange-Mango, Strawberry Kiwi, and, of course, Chocolate.  Jen tends to distribute this Lórien-o-rific Lembas as a gift to newbies (or, occasionally, pelt them with it), and also on birthdays and when people do uberspiffy deeds.  However, if you are not new, are not celebrating your birthday, and have not just done an uberspiffy deed, it may be rather expensive.

*Maeluiwen is a Mary Sue, loves all the Sues we’re trying to get rid of, hits on the agents, and is generally annoying, so she gets killed quite a bit. However, as most of the Boarders have male lust-objects, the fact that she does not hit on said lust-objects, but instead helps Jen MST, keeps her somewhat in our good graces.

Ye Olde Poisonous Poison: Also courtesy of Jen Littlebottom, Ye Olde Poisonous Poison is massively helpful in killing Mary Sues. The PPC generally likes it because it is a fanwritten creation; if reality-type stuff is more to your taste, try curare. Ye Olde Poisonous Poison’s biggest moment of fame was in the first death of Maeluiwen in “The Most Interesting Adventures of Maeluiwen,” when Gríma shot her with a poisoned dart for sleeping with Éowyn. Since its introduction, it has become a very popular way of disposing of unwanted characters, and, occasionally, fanwriters.

Pink Stuff: Brought to us courtesy of GreyLadyBast, Pink Stuff is a brightly colored alcohol that is almost lethally potent and leaves killer hangovers. Drunkenness ensues almost immediately after consumption, and the Stuff is available to almost anybody. Warning: Should you choose to drink Pink Stuff, you will be in severe pain for several hours until it wears off, unless you can manage to get a hold of:

Purple Stuff: The only thing in existence that will alleviate the hangover from Pink Stuff. Purple Stuff kicks in almost immediately, and it is generally recommended that you have your Purple Stuff on hand before you drink Pink Stuff. Unlike Pink Stuff, however, Purple Stuff is only available for PPC and OFUM (and other OFUs) staff members, or from GreyLadyBast personally. However, while Bast gives out Pink Stuff freely, she is a bit stingier with Purple Stuff. Especially if you’re a fangirl.

GreyLadyBast has also created many other colored Stuffs, each with different properties; however, they are not all documented. Suffice to say that you should probably not actually drink them unless you are guaranteed a trip to the HFA Hospital Wing. Bast is currently working on Black Stuff for OFUM’s resident dark lords and giant spiders, and on a drink that will make the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster look like weak tea.

Note: Please do not ever, ever, ever mix Stuffs and Bleeprin. We seriously do not wish to find out what kind of explosion that would make.

1420 Beer: The year 1420, Shire Reckoning, was considered to be a very special year. It was notable for many things, first among them being blond children and the excellent beer. 1420 Beer is considered the best beer ever made, and is thankfully much less painfully alcoholic than Pink Stuff.

Sue Soufflé: Suggested into creation by Mercuria Stardust, this Soufflé is for those PPCers who do not consider Sues to be of the same species as they are, or who really don’t care that much about cannibalism. It was originally a solution to very fat canonical monsters, as there are exponentially more Sues than monsters. Warning: Do not eat if you are allergic to glitter.

Water: Is not actually water. It is Sue-blood, for the vampiric or just plain dementedly ticked off agent.  Smeagul, the mini-Balrog who owns Leto Haven, is credited with this discovery.  It has been processed thoroughly, and caffeine has been added in an attempt to please the ever-overworked and overtired agents; however, this Water is still one of the least popular drinks in the PPC/OFUM General Store. Warning: Once again, do not drink if you are allergic to glitter. Also contains Aura of Smooth.