01. Assignment 1 – Regretts (spelling preserved)

Ilarian’s Note: This was my first one, and trust me, it really probably is the most horrendous piece of fanfiction I’ve ever discovered. If you’re feeling extremely masochistic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2208943/1/ [Editor's Note: This badfic has been deleted]

Ilarian was fast asleep in her newly appointed quarters at PPC Headquarters when the small monitor next to her bed began to beep insistently. Muttering a few choice words, Ilarian rolled over and looked at it – then her eyes began to get wider, and wider, and wider.

Following the insistent beep, she turned on her monitor and was nearly blown backwards as the poor thing vented a torrent of anguished cyber-information.

“No, really,” Ilarian muttered, horrified. “Well, makes for a tidy first assignment. I hope that it’ll go quickly – this one has got to be handled.”

Every PPC agent had a different way to get to where they needed to go. Ilarian preferred to use her computer to open her portal, so she did. She grabbed her brand-new kit, including her very own Canon Analysis Device, then sat down and quickly banged out the code.

The computer screen slid away, revealing a portal. Ilarian, armed in full Track Down and Destroy mode, stepped through.

She landed right in front of a positively frightful author’s note, although at least the ‘Suethor had put it at the start of the story and not somewhere booming inside.

hey ya’ll thanx for even looking at my story I hope you like it. By the way the elvish in this isn’t really elvish its just made up jumble and some of the places are mine and nobody elses but apart from that! ENJOY!

Ilarian developed an immediate twitch. “Lordy, lordy,” she muttered, whipping out her notepad. “Making up Elvish and place names – that’s enough, I’m going to murder her right now.” She reached down for her Sue-killing weapon of choice, a silver pistol, and made sure it was ready to go.

Then, and only then, touching the copy of Return of the King, which she had brought along as a beacon of canon, did she dare to step forth into the horrid realms known as Sue-land.

Dear diary,

Father says I have been promised to a prince from havovail, and that I am to wed him on the next full moon. I have told him that I wish to choose my own love but he will not listen to me , he says that he was married to mother against his will and now he cant be happier. I do not believe him. My choice has been made up for me and I cant handle it. I must run whilst I can

Goodbye my home


Princess of roveaden

“AAARGH!” Ilarian muttered. “There are no arranged marriages in Tolkien, you idiot! And ‘Havovail’ and ‘Roveaden’ have never even been heard of outside of your twisted little head! Why did you even bother to set this in Middle-earth at all?”

That night the princess fled the home she knew so well. Turning back for one last glimpse, she whispered “ glava’de remor’e lar’mentia” which means “goodbye my home” and without further adue she mounted her black stallion, black magic, and rode off into the night.

Ilarian followed the Suething at a distance, muttering all the way, and cursing whenever she tripped over all the twisted roots that the Suething so conveniently avoided. “Adue, what’s that, some kind of sickness? The fake Elvish marks you down for the highest degree of hell. And what kind of pretty, sweet princess rides a stallion, for Eru’s sake?”

Ilarian stalked along behind ‘Alula’ as she entered an imaginary forest, muttered some more imaginary ‘elvish,’ and had an arrow fired past her head for no apparent reason. This was enough to make the Suebeast she was riding rear and throw her off.

“Oh, wonderful,” Ilarian muttered, wedging herself between several tree stumps as she watched the pathetic goings-on. “Here’s where it really gets messy.”

Magic shyed and reared, Alula was thrown from him landing her back on a large tree root. The ambusher ran over to see the intruder. Lying sprawled out on the grass was a beautiful black haired angel. He scooped her up and carried her to his home.

“Three guesses and the first two don’t count as to who that is,” Ilarian growled. “And didn’t she land on a tree root? Amazing ability to change places for someone who’s unconscious.”

As she jogged through the imaginary ‘Glazedfall’ or perhaps ‘glazefall’ forest, she whipped out the CAD and pointed it at the figure so tenderly carrying Alula.

It began to smoke and whine, and burned Ilarian’s hand. “OW!” She dropped it, stepped back from it, and peered down at the now-warped display screen.


“Ooh, we got a replacement,” Ilarian said to herself. “That means I’ve got to kill the Sue and find the real Legolas. A bit more than I expected for a first assignment – but will do.”

She hurried up to where the Sue and the character replacement had gone, peered inside, and proceeded to vomit violently.

Alula awoke in a flurry of blur, when her eyes had focused she observed her souroundings, there was a small wooden table with several little stools, on the table there was a sword, Her sword , Alulas eyes wandered over to the fireplace and stoking that fire was a blonde elf. Alula remained as quiet as possible as she crept over to the table a grabbed her sword she then tip toed over to the elf and place the sword to his throat.

“Flurry of blur?” Ilarian moaned, dropping to her knees and barely managing to catch her notepad as it fell. “A sword, Her swords, Alulas...” She couldn’t go on and choked violently. “I don’t think this person even knows how to speak, let alone write. And ‘Legolas’ does not live in a tiny cave in the woods! Although the character replacement might.”

Ilarian was then forced to watch as Alula attempted to kill the Character Replacement for no reason at all. “First time and only time I’ll ever cheer her on,” Ilarian muttered to herself, managing to talk through her dry heaves.

“ Now, seeing that you are going to be staying with me I shall need to know your name.”

Alula hesitated for a moment, she could not give the elf her real name as he would probably recognise her as the princess.

“umm my name is…Arradell”

“Who said anything about staying at all?” Ilarian mumbled from her place in the dry leaves. She started to scribble.

All of a sudden, there was a horrendous jerk that Ilarian took to mean that she had just hit a spatial wrench. Then she blinked. It had been night a second ago, but now it was apparently dawn, with ‘Legolas’ and the Sue (aka ‘two elfs’) riding through some scrub.

Ilarian looked up and cursed with admirable fluency. ‘Legolas’ had just said something about catching fish. “Bad idea, buster,” she murmured.

The two elfs rode their horses through the scrub until they came to the river. Alula stared at the crystalline water enchanted by it.

“shall I leave you to do your hair whilst I catch the fish” teased legolas.

In an extremely quick action alula whipped legolas’s bow out of his pack and shot an arrow into the water. With a smug look on her face she strutted over to the water and pulled the arrow out, on it, it held 3 fish. Alula walked over to legolas and smiled, she replaced the bow in place and patted him on the back “knock yourself out”.

“Has she never heard of capital letters? Never?” Ilarian whined, feeling as if she was about to barf up the little food she’d managed to eat before jumping after the Sue. “All of a sudden she can shoot three fish with his bloody bow? And ‘knock yourself out’ is about as far from being Middle-earthy as all these ridiculous places she’s invented! That’s it, she gets a slow and exceedingly painful death.”

The Suething got the Character Replacement to mention that he was a prince.

“and what is a prince doing so far away from home?” uttered alula.

“I was about to ask you the same thing”.

“well I asked you first.”

Legolas seemed reluctant to answer, but then finally cleared his throat and said, “I am being forced to marry someone I do not know and that is not my wish so I have come out here to…”


“huh , how did you know I was going to say that”, legolas asked.

“uh I didn’t” alula quickly replied and walked swiftly back to the hut to avoid questions.

“Are we grade-schoolers here?” Ilarian muttered through the extreme twitch that was now convulsing every part of her body. “well I asked you first? Can I kill her now, please? And does the author think we’re stupid with that thing about ‘Legolas’ being forced to marry? She probably thinks it’s a brilliant plot twist. Well, Character!Replaced!Legolas might be from ‘Havovail,’ but Canon!Legolas is not.”

Meanwhile, the Suething was telling ‘Legolas’ that she was also a runaway. Legolas made a naughty joke. Ilarian had to restrain herself from putting a bullet into both of them at that very moment. Then she grit her teeth and bit her tongue bloody when she heard the Sue promise ‘Legolas’ he could come with her if he ‘promised not to annoy her.’

“He’s a bloody Prince of bloody Mirkwood!” Ilarian screamed, so loudly that the Suething and the character replacement looked around in badly punctuated fits and starts. “Promise not to annoy?”

She took a deep breath and reached for the special pouch of Bleeprin that was standard-issue for every PPC agent. “Doing it for Tolkien! Doing it for Tolkien!” she muttered feverishly as she slogged after the evil creatures of doom. “Need to remember my headphones next time or I WILL lose it!”

The two elves mounted their horses and began into the depth of the forest at a slow walk.

“may I ask where we are going princess?” legolas said after a few minutes.

“yes you may”

“well then where are we going?”

“where my heart takes me” alula replied the words rolling passionately out of her mouth.

“you seem so sure of this”

“that’s because I am.”

Ilarian waited breathlessly, but there was no more. That was because the Suething was fresh – she had only spawned today! Quick catch!

“Putting aside the sheer awfulness of that above exchange, I can get them now,” Ilarian cackled, drew her pistol, and exploded out of the scrub.

Alula’s horse, being naturally skittish (who had ever given that beast to her?) threw her again. Alula lay on the leaves, even though she had been on the grass a moment ago, hoping that the fact that she was a black-haired angel would save her from this intruder with a ferocious expression on her face.

It didn’t. Ilarian strode over to the prone Sue and whipped out her notepad. “Alula,” she began, wincing over the name, “you are charged with replacing Tolkien’s Middle-earth with a version of your own filled with made-up names, with inventing horrid and patently untrue customs so you can be angsty and run away, with making up and speaking gibberish passing itself off as Elvish, with horribly torturing proper English syntax, with completely replacing the character of Legolas Greenleaf –”

Ilarian stopped to take a breath, and the Character Replacement of Legolas, naturally shocked to see his already-beloved Alula being threatened, took a step forward. Ilarian whipped around and chucked Return of the King at him. It hit ‘Legolas’ in the head and knocked him out.

“I’ll deal with him later,” Ilarian muttered, looking back at Alula. “As I was saying, with replacing Legolas so he can conveniently fall in love, with riding a completely improbable horse, for having a horrid name, for really, really annoying this PPC agent, and generally being one of the worst Sues to ever spawn. That’s pretty impressive for something that only arrived today. Any last words?”

“legolas wont let you”, began Alula.

“Want to bet?” Ilarian aimed her pistol at Alula’s heart and pulled the trigger.

The Suething convulsed and died. Ilarian, looking disgusted, patted the bewildered-looking Magic on the head, then jumped back as the pat had the intended effect and made the stallion rear, snort, and plunge off into the woods to wonder what the heck he had been doing for the past page or so.

Ilarian turned around toward the unconscious ‘Legolas,’ and then carefully, tenderly picked up Return of the King, lovingly brushed it off, and put it back in her pack. Then she pulled up a bucket of water from the handy river and doused it.

As ‘Legolas’ came to, groggy, Ilarian announced, “Character replacement, you are charged with being stupid enough to fall in love with a complete Sue, with being thick as a castle wall, with making stupid jokes, with being from an imaginary place, and not killing the Sue immediately. Any last words?”

‘Legolas’ stared dumbly. Ilarian took advantage of his stunned state to pull the trigger. The evil Sue-generated thing exploded in a puff of smoke and brimstone.

At that moment, the real Legolas materialized as a wisp of smoke, as he had been held prisoner inside the Suething-spawn. He looked dazed as he slowly regained corporal form. “Wh – what happened? I just remember someone descending on me and capturing me –”

“Happens a lot,” said Ilarian, helping Legolas to his feet and giving him a discreet zap with the CAD to make sure that he was the real one. “Next time you see a little witch riding a hellbeast toward you, get out of the way. Or just shoot her.”

Legolas, still looking bemused, stood there as Ilarian phased them out of Sue!Middle-earth and into the right one. She gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder and said, “Now go find Mirkwood. Not Havovail or whatever the bloody it was.”

With that finished, Ilarian, allowing herself to feel good about the successful completion of her first mission, punched in the portal coordinates on her wristband and headed back to Headquarters.

“Whew,” she sighed, plopping down on the couch. “That was a bad one. I need a little rest before I try another.”

There was sure to be one. The dark mass that vomited Sues from the Void never rested, after all...