Ilarian’s Note: Two Sues! Two! And they’re BRATS! I’ve been waiting a long time to kill Kristy and Indi...what follows below is me absolutely taking them to pieces. Trust me, this fic needed to be PPC’ed to save humanity. It's a long PPC, but it was a long (and horrible) fic. If you need to get rid of hiccups, or simply develop an immense twitch:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2150110/1/ [Editor's Note: This badfic has been deleted]
Finally, some time off. Ilarian had been working hard lately killing Sues (she’d managed to do two in one day. SCORE!) And now she was sitting in a coffee shop somewhere outside PPC headquarters, blissfully free of the plague of poor grammar, twisted canon, utter stupidity, and the other car wrecks which heralded the arrival of a Sue on the scene.
She sipped her drink, scribbled a few ideas, listened to some music. She’d forgotten that there was a life beyond murdering the spawn of Morgoth. Being a PPC agent was a completely necessary job, but it tended to consume you. Literally.
Ilarian was just thinking that perhaps she could make some plans for the evening when her portable monitor went off like a fire alarm, scaring the heck out of her and nearly overturning her raspberry soda.
Several patrons who had had their coffee break interrupted gave her irritated looks.
“Sorry,” Ilarian muttered, scarlet-faced, swaddling the screaming thing with her sweatshirt and running outside. When it was clear, she snuck a look at the small monitor.
An evil smile spread across her face.
Fifteen minutes later, Ilarian came barging through the door of Headquarters, overturning a table loaded with brochures for the upcoming orientation that night – the PPCers were about to take on some new agents.
Ilarian stopped long enough to put the table the right way up, heap the brochures on it in a reasonable approximation of order, and zip off to her quarters.
“Yes! Yes!” she screamed, giving little hops of glee, as she quickly selected her disguise – an Elven one, as the story started in Rivendell. “I got assigned to the case! I got assigned to the case!”
There had been a few particularly annoying Sues that had been bugging the living daylights out of Ilarian recently, and she had been hoping and hoping that she would be the one to kill them. Luck was with her, and Agent Ilarian had been selected to take down the Suebrats.
She yanked the long blue dress over her head (“Man, I hate these things!”) and braided her hair in Elven fashion. Then she holstered her pistol underneath the gown.
She punched the check-out button on her wall, marking her as an agent on active duty, and tucked her Canon Analysis Device in the pocket above her gun.
“Time to die, Sues,” she smirked. “Here comes your worst nightmare.”
Ilarian entered the code which her fingers were quickly coming to remember. Sure enough, the computer glowed briefly blue, then opened up. Ilarian was on her way. Kristy and Indi were goin’ down.
At least there was no block of so-called exposition/author’s notes whacking her over the head with a sledgehammer. There was, however, a stupendously inane explanation that foreshadowed the tide of stupidity to follow.
This takes place after the war of the ring but the elves have stayed in middle earth for reasons unknown to me so please just bare with the story.
“Middle-earth,” Ilarian muttered to herself, even though she knew it was going to get far worse than just one little mistake about the name of the freakin’ WORLD. “And bare? What does she want me to bare? I’m not going there.”
She entered Rivendell. Above her, Elrond was waxing rhapsodic for no apparent reason than to foreshadow the entrance of the first Sue.
But there was one child he had that even he, Lord Elrond Half-Elven, could not even stand. She was in fact his daughter as well. The fourth and youngest of all her sibling and in fact the most annoying of the lot.
“Elrond is damn right,” Ilarian muttered.
It got worse.
She was not known by any because he kept her well within the city. Elrond knew his daughter could not fight, cook, nor do anything without the help of others so was forced to have guards watch the wondering elfling. Elfling, he laughed at the word for she was not she was full grown and yet still acted like a child. She was always found playing pranks on anyone who crossed her path. Celebrain at once decided this child of theirs should be given a mortal name, one that was unique and different.
“Well, well. A ‘Suethor who admits her creation is a brat. Ya think that’s bad? She’s a prankster? Hold on to your cookies, it gets worse. Again. And who’s selling brains? I can think of some people who desperately need one. The spelling is Celebrían, you imbecile.”
Ilarian muttered to herself as she wandered along one of the bridges in Rivendell. A few canon Elves, such as Lindir and Glorfindel, gave her odd looks, but for the most part, no one gave such a transparently crazy ‘Elf’ a second glance. This confirmed Ilarian’s suspicions – Indi had everyone under her malign influence.
There was noise from Elrond’s study. Ilarian doubled back, dodging through several Elves and a kitchen cart, shimmied up a pillar, and hid.
The Sue had coming running to Elrond to whine that her ‘old’ brothers were teasing her.
“ADA!” Indi shouted as she came running into his study driving Elrond out of his state of thought.
“Yes?” he asked.
“Elladan and Elrohir keep taunting me! Let me leave Rivendell please!” Indi begged. Both twin peeked into the room to see what was happening. Elrond saw them both and shook his head.
“Oh boy.” Ilarian gritted her teeth and with a great effort of will, did not shoot the Sue right there. “Have you forgotten, dear, that you are annoying? Your ‘Suethor admits it! Maybe you...deserve it? Or will we get Angsty!Sue?”
“Did you not taunt your younger siblings father?” Elladan the wisest of the two asked.
“You had to have played with them” Elrohir the most playful of the two added
“No I did not,” Elrond said sternly. Both twin obviously were not expecting this answer and looked shocked.
“Please let me go to Lorien to see grandmother and grand father,” Indi begged.
“And miss Arwen and Aragorn’s visit. They are bringing your cousins,” Elrond whispered and Indi nodded almost excited at meeting her younger cousins.
“More bad spelling and grammar. You can’t have ‘both twin,’ for Pete’s sake,” Ilarian grumbled. “And Elrond wasn’t that much of a grump.”
Hanging onto the pillar with one hand, she yanked out the Canon Analysis Device and turned it on Elladan and Elrohir.
[Elladan and Elrohir. Sons of Elrond. Canon. OOC 75.0255% CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
Ilarian’s face started to turn a color that it wasn’t supposed to turn. As a PPC agent, she was very protective of any mistreated Middle-earth male, but mess with her twins and you had hell to pay.
Then the ‘Suethor pulled a classic:
Alright I know it was a boring start but Aragorn’s daughter Kristy. . . . is to come intot he next chapter. What will await our Lord and his family? Well all I ask for is one review and you’ll find out lol.
“You don’t even deserve a review, twit – ” Ilarian began.
A mighty wrench in both time and place hit with the force of a speeding freight train. It was so bad that Ilarian had to spend at least ten minutes recovering. When she blinked away the spots, she had somehow arrived in Gondor.
Elessar the King of Gondor walked down the halls aimlessly with his son in toe both searching for his daughter. His son had brown hair to his shoulder and was wavy as well.
“How can he have his son in toe? That’s a darn big toe,” Ilarian puffed, shucking off the Elf disguise as she ran to reveal the dress of a Gondorian lady. “And his son’s wavy? How’s that?”
Grey eyes and he wore the evenstar that was his mothers. Elessar had loved having a son and was excited for a girl that is till he found out not all women are like Arwen and Eowyn. Oh no his daughter was more of a demon when not watched out for.
“Wow, she’s already admitted both the Sues are horrific brats!” Ilarian panted, careening around a corner and narrowly missing a wall that must have been taking lessons from the one in Osgiliath. King Elessar did not look at her, but he seemed to be slightly aware of her presence. This was bad. She was supposed to be invisible to canon characters.
Aragorn II his son (not sure is it is or not so many theories I just used this one) snorted as he turned the hall and went to the gardens. Elessar looked at Aragorn II and followed him out in the gardens.
“His son is Eldarion!” Ilarian panted, then clapped her hands desperately over her ears as the author’s voice boomed out overhead, shaking the very castle on its foundations. When it subsided, an unspecified person turned the hall over and went to the garden. Elessar, who himself was Aragorn II, followed the mis-named prince.
Elessar and Misnamed discovered the second Sue in a tree. Asleep.
“Kristy” Elessar yelled up to his daughter scaring her and making her fall off the branch, colliding into another branch face first. She held tight to this branch and looked around frantically before slowly looking down and smiling.
“Hello” Kristy greeted in normal tongue she hated elvish and none could figure out.
“Come down please. We are leaving,” Elessar said calmly.
“But I don’t wish to go to Rivendell, it’s going to be so boring” Kristy said.
“Bad grammar, horrendously un-Middle-earthy name, greeted in ‘normal tongue,’ she hated elvish, and none could figure out what?” Ilarian snarled, hiding beneath a tangle of stinky flowers as the Sue began to whine.
“Please don’t fall” Elessar begged as Aragorn moved so Elessar could get under the branch and see her more clearly.
“You know it will not hurt me father. I’ve been dropped on my head far to many times for it to hurt now” Kristy said jokingly.
“WHAT?!” Elessar shouted.
“I was joking” Kristy said before tripping over her own dress and come tumbling out of the tree. But not before hit every single branch there was to hit on the way down and landing on Elessar. Aragorn fell over in a fit of laughter.
“AGGH!!” Ilarian screamed. Misnamed and Kristy, being non-canon, looked around. Elessar looked vaguely disturbed as he sensed that something was wrong.
“Stupid slapstick humor, landing on Elessar, and have Misnamed laugh?” Ilarian was close to having a coronary.
“Come here Kristy” Elessar said and pulled her up on his horse. She didn’t know how to ride and didn’t want to know. Aragorn and Arwen got on their white mares with ease. The four members then rode off toward Rivendell the whole way Kristy talking about ideas and such that came to mind. Arwen tried to be open minded to everything she said but she just couldn’t take it anymore she found most of the ideas very stupid. Elessar even remember one time when Arwen wanted to send Kristy away.
“The Sue being stupid – not wanting to ride?” Ilarian was on the hairy edge of insanity as she hopped into the saddle of the nearest horse and practiced her peculiar brand of riding as she galumphed after the ‘royal family.’ “Besides, Gondor is miles and miles away from Rivendell.”
“Yay, Arwen!” she added. “Kristy is stupid! And let’s have an angsty moment. Arwen wanted to send Kristy away? She must be the least OOC here.”
“My love please have you not heard what she did to my brothers?!” Arwen pleaded.
“Yes he put water on the floor and decided to see if they all meaning her and your brothers could slid. It just happened to be that Elladan and Elrohir were not informed of where to turn in the halls,” Elessar said smiling at the fond pictures of the twins with twigs in their hair and soaked with water.
“When did Kristy turn into a he?” Ilarian was vibrating with fury, although this could also be because she was a bad rider and the horse was doing its damndest to dislodge her. “And Elessar would not laugh when the Suebrat shamed Elladan and Elrohir!”
The twins however didn’t know where to turn and continued on sliding and couldn’t find a way to stop, and ended up sliding out of the two story window. Luckily though there was a lake below it and the just fell through some tree before hitting the ice cold water. Both were angry but did not blame Kristy knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle having them mad at her. Everyone knew Kristy was friendless and so Elladan and Elrohir took it upon themselves to teacher her their ways.
Ilarian was about to lose it. Badly. She hung on grimly to the harness as the horse shot madly across the field. “She nearly kills them and then they’re not mad at her because the fragile bloom might not be able to handle it?”
But it seemed to backfire and Kristy turned into what she was now. As they entered they castle again Arwen was there to greet them and was furious.
“Can’t blame her. Oh, so it’s the twins’ fault that Kristy is a psychobitch?” Ilarian was going to have multiple strokes if this kept up.
“Please just send her away. She will destroy the kingdom in two days time now,” Arwen said.
“She was just having a bit of fun” Elessar replied.
“That’s not fun. It madness throwing her uncles out of the window!” Arwen said.
“Arwen, my love we can not send our only daughter away” Elessar whsipered. Arwen had to go read to release her anger.
“IDIOT!” Ilarian bellowed. “Arwen, hallelujah for you. Elessar is –” she aimed the CAD at the so-called King and his brat of a daughter – “YIKES! 89.041% out of character! And didn’t you know that Aragorn and Arwen had one son named Eldarion and a number of daughters?”
Ilarian wanted to get out of there, but not the way it happened. The ‘royal family’ and the psychobitch called Kristy suddenly vanished in a blur. WHAM! It was back to Rivendell. Ilarian frantically scrabbled for her Elf disguise before anyone could ask what a particularly dizzy and foul-mouthed Gondorian woman was doing there.
Indi woke up as the sun crept into her room and she got up excitedly, she was waiting for the sun to rise cause that’s when her sister would be coming with her niece. Just as she got to the door it opened and banged her in the head. Indi fell back but was caught by her older brother Elrohir. Elrohir always helped her rather than Arwen while Elladan did the opposite of that. Even though they both picked on her constantly she knew Elrohir always did it out of boredom and loved her more than anything.
“Oh boy, if we get an Evil!Elladan, I swear...” Ilarian muttered, hiding just outside the Sue’s door as she and Elrohir engaged in some ‘banter.’ Then the severely deluded Elrohir promised to take the Sue out to meet the ‘royal family.’
Elrohir smiled at her excitement but knew she’d end up fighting with Kristy everyone did. He looked around for his twin and made sure he wasn’t around, Elladan was favored by their father more because Elladan had always done things father wanted till Indi was born. Elrohir always tried to get the attention but couldn’t. Indi came running back with a smile plastered on her pale face.
“DAMN you!” Ilarian screeched. Elves were starting to give her odd glances, so she immediately shut up and dropped flat. But she didn’t stop muttering or scribbling madly. “Breaking up a hitherto-harmonious canon relationship between the twins...making Elrond favor one...man, oh MAN...”
Indi went down with Elrohir, whose OOC-ness was rising every moment. The Sues met. And insulted each other.
“You look funny,” Indi said pointing at Kristy’s half pointed ears.
“Not as funny as you,” Kristy retorted and Indi looked like she had never been more insulted in her life.
“Indi, Kristy don’t you think you shouldn’t insult each other?” Elrohir said trying to keep peace.
“But I made a statement. Look at her ear they are ugly,” Indi said. Kristy narrowed her eyes at the elf and was ready for a good come back.
“Well at least my ears aren’t pointed like an elves. It’s very ugly when have your hair up cause then you look all deformed,” Kristy replied. Indi’s mouth hung open in shock before her hand flew to her ears.
“I won’t...say...a thing...” Ilarian managed. “You’d think that Elrohir or Elessar would say something, but nooo....”
A spatial wrench hit. A bad one.
Indi and Kristy stayed far from one another. Indi quickly grew jealous of the young. . . . thing as she called. That bloody half-elf stole her Elrohir from her was the only thing that ran threw her mind. Elrohir was the only one to pay her any attention and now it was gone. Indi began to plot the many ways of making her suffer.
‘Maybe I can throw her out a window? How can Elrohir even look at her it looks disgusting! Her ears they are not normal and her hair yuck! Why would he even talk to her?’ Indi thought growing more jealous. Suddenly a knock came on the door and Arwen walked in.
“All...of...a sudden... Elrohir is in love...with his...NIECE?” Ilarian was shaking so badly that she could barely breathe. She was standing on the porch just below ‘Indi’ as the Sue raved and ranted.
“I’m a bit shocked Elrohir isn’t with you. I mean I lived her you two were always talking like best friends instead of siblings,” Arwen said.
“That’s because he’s with Kristy, your daughter” Indi said through gritted teeth.
“Maybe because, in canon, Elrohir is with Elladan?” Ilarian snarled. She was losing it more and more. She was never going to get through this assignment with her sanity intact. Not in a million years.
Elrohir and Kristy were supposedly plotting.
“It’s ok” Elrohir laughed as Kristy came out with a small jar. He cocked his head tot he side and Kristy grinned at him. She stood a little above his chest and was still growing but she knew Elrohir didn’t care he always would treat her how she wanted to be treated. She held her hand s up and Elrohir smiled down at her.
“Up” Kristy said like she use to when she was little to Elrohir, he always picked her up no matter what. And this time was no exception, Elrohir picked her up and allowed her to warp her legs around his waist, hand locked around his neck, the jar still hand. He put her on his back so he could walk easier and made his way out of the room.
Ilarian fell over convulsing and frothing at the mouth. A canon Elf looked concerned, slowed to help, then decided that he better not. When she had popped down half a dozen Bleeprin, her twitching finally slowed. Panting, Ilarian crawled to the dining hall where the so-called ‘lunch’ was going on.
Indi was now proceeding to insult Kristy for no apparent reason, and no one made a move to intervene except Arwen, who had poor Elessar as a complete idiot sitting next to her.
“Elessar!” Arwen said turning to her husband who was still sitting shocked, food slowly falling out of his mouth.
Then something completely stupid happened. Given the overload of stupidity that was happening, this was saying a lot.
Just as Elessar got to Kristy the door flew open and Glorfindel came rushing in with Aragorn in his arms. Elessar and Arwen looked at there son in utter shock. Aragorn was severely wounded and Glorfindel didn’t know what to do.
“It is. Impossible for. Misnamed to be. Hurt. In. Imladris,” Ilarian said. Her entire face looked as if it might fall off, she was twitching so badly. She was hiding under the table, snitching whatever Idiot!Elessar dropped.
Everyone seemed to care more that darling Kristy had been offended rather than Misnamed being hurt. When Ilarian glanced up at the Words, she pretty much overloaded. Again.
“Take him to the healers,” Elrond ordered and everyone left but Kristy and Indi who still sat glaring at one another. Kristy didn’t really care for her older brother so she didn’t care to follow. He was very mean to her always getting her into so much trouble and hitting her then blaming it on some village people.
Ilarian just about gave up at this point. She lay on the floor crying helplessly, tearing her clothes, keening a lament, on and on and on and on. Everyone, since they were so badly out of character, almost heard her.
Then another wrench hit. This was just about the final straw. Ilarian hunkered down on the floor outside the random door she had landed in front of, covered her head, and whimpered.
Then she happened to hear that Misnamed had died, and that mean ol’ Arwen didn’t trust Kristy as the heir to the throne. Elessar tried to persuade her otherwise.
Ilarian lost it.
It was quite some time later when she recovered. The Sue was eavesdropping and being such a spectacular bitch that Ilarian wanted to bring her back to PPC headquarters and let all the agents have a crack at torturing her before she was killed. And even that was too good for her.
Kristy pulled away from the door furious with her parents. She was not the reason her brother was dead and she wasn’t going to wait around for either of them to blame her and then have her father come and apologize without any feelings of sorrow toward her, no she would leave now.
Then things got so bad that Ilarian pretty much overdosed on Bleeprin. She had forgotten her headphones and her Beacon of Canon; if she did one more mission like this, it would be the end of her.
Indi appeared. Kristy decided to run away. So they decided to go to...
“Someone please, please kill me now,” Ilarian whimpered.
The spatial wrench almost obliged. She lay in Mirkwood as a piteous, quivering heap. For some reason, Gimli was there. They were discussing something Legolas had felt.
“I don’t know but I think it’s a sign that something evil is coming,” Legolas said and Gimli nodded before they went to tell the guards to be prepared.
“If only you knew, Legolas,” Ilarian crooned sadly. “If only you knew.”
She went slamming back to join the Sues. They had somehow instantly gotten to Mirkwood from Rivendell, and were wandering around in the forest when a random male elf, who had also somehow gotten there, met them. Then he invited them to come with him. Apparently Legolas and Gimli hadn’t sufficiently warned the guards.
The Sues started being coquettish. Ilarian, moaning and muttering incoherently, clawed through the grass after their horse. She was very, very close to losing it permanently. Her great idea to kill Kristy and Indi single-handedly was looking like suicide right about now.
“Legolas? Isn’t that the elf that is friend with my father?” Kristy asked.
“Yes and he still has not wed,” Indi said happily thinking she could see him when they arrived at Mirkwood.
“I was Legolas’ nanny when I was only 500" Aranel said.
“Before you were a rogue?” Kristy asked.
“Yes” Aranel replied.
“Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood is very handsome Kristy. All women no matter what races say so,” Indi said glancing back at Kristy as she tried to get as close to Aranel as she could to keep warm.
Ilarian hit a spatial wrench. She was too whacked out to care.
Back in Rivendell, Elessar discovered the Ultra!Angsty note from the Suething Called Kristy.
I’m gone never to bother you again. Mother will be happy I’m sure, she always hated me I know this. I’m sorry I was in the way all the time
Aragorn dropped to his knees believing Kristy had gone to kill herself. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about it he realized he just lost to of his precious children in one day. Elrond walked into the room looking at Aragorn cautiously.
“I thought she didn’t know Elvish! So why the ‘ada?’” Ilarian moaned from where she lay prone on the floor, spasmodically twitching as she labored to write the charges on the notepad. “Suddenly...knowing languages...angsty notes.... thought Aragorn was...Elessar...”
A wrench hit, but there was something to be said for being as limp and overloaded as a sack of potatoes. Ilarian barely even felt it as she went sprawling and landed two days later. Elrond had decided to send Aragorn/Elessar, Elladan, and Elrohir to Mirkwood to recover the Sues. Ilarian didn’t know why he bothered.
“I’ll see you soon Arwen,” Aragorn said as he gave her a quick kiss. He got on his horse with Elrohir and Elladan right behind him.
“Farewell” both twins said dramatically as if they were never going to live for the journey home. Elrond shook his head as all three of his sons rode off toward Mirkwood.
“Aragorn. Is Not. Elrond’s. Son.” That was all Ilarian could say without fear of overdosing very badly on Bleeprin, which she had started to develop an alarming need for.
She whammed back and forth between several points of view, finally landing in Mirkwood. Indi, Kristy, and their poor elf guide Aranel met Legolas and Gimli. Kristy said that Aranel was handsomer than Legolas. Poor Legolas nearly had a heart attack.
“Look at them” Kristy said pointing to Aranel and LEgolas who stood next to one another. “You can not possibly tell me Legolas is cuter”
“He is” Indi hissed in her ear. Legolas however was shocked beyond all belief he had never once been thought of as not handsome.
“Making Legolas a vain brat....” Ilarian’s fingers were as limp as spaghetti as she forced the pen across the page. She was gasping for breath, wishing that she’d thought to grab an Agent to help out. Any Agent. Anything was better than slamming through this monstrosity alone.
The Sues were brats some more.
“So I take it the King will be just as ugly,” Kristy whispered to Indi.
“No in fact Thranduil, King is very handsome. Of course not anywhere close as handsome as Legolas,” Indi replied.
“Surprised she didn’t make him into...An abusive...twit,” Ilarian gasped, somehow managing to get out of her Rivendell disguise and into the greens and browns of Wood-elves – canon Wood-elves, at any rate. It had been a long time since she had dared to point the CAD at anyone. Makes-Things would curse her family out to her seventh-great grandchildren if she did that.
‘How can she not think I’m handsome? Everyone woman chases after me and yet she doesn’t? What is wrong with her?’ Legolas thought.
Ilarian collapsed. Only with a great effort of will did she go on.
“It just stunned me is all” Legolas said. The small group walked for a few hour before Kristy and Indi began to talk with the men and were greeted by Thranduil.
“Ah my son you have returned! And with two women! Are the both yours?” Thranduil asked happily hoping he’d finally be able to have grand-children.
“Making Thranduil into a perv....begging for grandchildren...Elves don’t do that...but who’s surprised?” Ilarian wheezed.
Thranduil looked at her with concern. She was supposed to be invisible to canon characters. He must be a replacement. She wasn’t even touching the CAD. She wasn’t even touching the CAD....
It exploded anyway.
“Makes-Things is gonna roast me!” Ilarian moaned. “I’m going to have to recount this entire god-awful fic and he probably still won’t give me a new CAD...”
The Sues, the extraneous elf, Legolas, and the so-called Thranduil trailed off. Ilarian followed them. As soon as she finished this assignment, she decided, she was going to get a different job. Maybe something in cross-stitching.
Thranduil turned back to Kristy who was looking around in aw and Indi who was glaring at her as if to make the young girl burst into flames.
“I have seen your eyes somewhere. Who is your father?” Thranduil asked.
“Just a ranger,” Kristy replied.
“Ah well I do not believe I would know him then,” Thranduil said completely forgetting aragorn use to be a ranger.
“Making Thranduil into an idiot...” Ilarian lay wheezing and scribbling on the stone steps. The Sues ignored her, since, after all, they were uber-brats. Thranduil, who at least wasn’t the gawd-awful Evil!Thranduil that was manifesting more and more often, looked concerned again, but was immediately distracted by the Sues.
A place wrench hit. Ilarian landed with a flump behind a stone statue, then peered out quivering to see what was going on now.
Legolas was walking with his friend when his father came out of no where and pulled him away.
“Alright which one do you like?” Thranduil asked.
“Which one? Who?” Legolas asked.
“Lady Indi or Kristy? Both? One a mistress the other wife? I want my grand children now!” Thranduil said quickly.
“Father!” Legolas yelled.
“Sorry you are right I should have known. . . .” Thranduil said.
“Thank you” Legolas said with a sigh of relief.
“You want both of course” Thranduil said happily.
“No father!” Legolas yelled.
“What?” Thranduil asked.
“Neither. I want neither” Legolas replied calmly.
“Oh fine” Thranduil said with a fake sigh of defeat.
“Death, disembowelment, and quartering is too good for this...” Ilarian was so angry that words utterly failed her. “Making Thranduil into a completely idiotic twit...oooh, you are so DEAD, ‘Suethor...” Thranduil was a personal favorite of hers. He was going to need a full-fledged exorcism by the time this ‘Suethor was disposed of.
Kristy attempted to take a bath. Legolas showed up to complicate it. Ilarian crawled into the steam-filled chamber (having long since lost the ability to walk) to see what more stupid things were happening.
“Then leave” Legolas said walking over to her. Right at that moment Kristy screamed causing the elf to cover his poor ears and glare at her. Only a moment later Thranduil came in to see Kristy on one side of the tub and Legolas on the other.
“I knew you liked her!” Thranduil cheered to himself while watching the two young ones looking at him in utter shock.
“Father please I’m just trying to bathe she was in here and no doubt it was part of your plan” Legolas said.
“Indeed well now you two should share” Thranduil said.
“NO!” both yelled and Thranduil looked stunned.
Ilarian very nearly went into cardiac arrest. And that was all that needed to be said.
Kristy dressed like a slut. No one mentioned this. Stupid!Thranduil attempted to set up Legolas with either Indi or Kristy some more, blabbing insanely about grandchildren.
Simply to be nasty, Kristy pretended that she had been ‘with’ Legolas and was now pregnant. If you had looked down, you would have seen a completely insensate Agent lying on the floor, notepad fallen out of her hand, a thin trickle of drool coming out of her mouth.
Kristy’s eyes grew wide as she looked at Legolas who was clutching his fork like he was ready to stab her at any moment. He normally didn’t lose his temper but this girl drove him nuts.
Ilarian recovered long enough to croak, “Yay.”
Then she passed out again.
Stupid things whirled by Ilarian while she was unconscious, so fortunately she missed some of it. Unfortunately, she came to just in time to be greeted with the crown jewel of this entire putrid, sludgy muck of canon-mangling.
Legolas heard his door being locked and turned to see Kristy standing there looking at the door.
“Oh no” Legolas moaned.
“This isn’t my fault. You father is nuts!” Kristy said turning to him. Legolas walked over to the door passing her with a glare as he jiggled the door knob only to find his father really locked the door.
“Father let me out of this room right now!” Legolas shouted banging on the door.
“No not till you give me my grandchildren so get started!” Thranduil shouted back before walking off. Legolas turned on Kristy who walked up to him and slapped him.
Eventually Kristy fell out the window. Or was pushed by Legolas, who along with Arwen seemed to be the only ones free of the poison that was the Sues. Eventually, Thranduil recovered long enough to let Legolas out. There was another dinner.
Kristy displayed her ignorance. Ilarian was still twitching.
“HELL NO!” Kristy shouted jumping from her chair and dashing out of the room, before she could embarrass herself further. She should ahve known that with her mother being an elf and all and she never felt more stupid.
Aranel got up to go after her so they could leave now but Thranduil made his sit and looked at his son.
“Go comfort her” he ordered.
“No” Legolas said.
“Now, you’re mother would ahve wanted you too” Thranduil said knowing Legolas would cave.
“I hate it when you do that” Legolas grumbled as he rose from his seat and made his way toward Kristy’s bedchambers.
“AGGH! Stop right there! Stop right there!” Ilarian, sensing that this was the final push to destroy the Sue, rolled over, got to her feet, and sprinted after Legolas.
She caught him. “Don’t go in. Stay here.”
“I want to kill that girl...” said Legolas.
“I know. So do I. I get to. So just stay here.” Leaving Legolas leaning against the wall breathing deeply, Ilarian banged through into the bedchamber.
Kristy was sitting looking sulky. Ilarian slammed the door shut behind her, locked it, and licked her lips. If this Sue didn’t deserve to die, then she didn’t know what did.
“Are you like spying for Legolas? I hate him! Even though I pretended to be pregnant,” Kristy sniffed.
Ilarian stared at her.
The Sue started to get uncomfortable. “Like, what are you doing?”
“Like, this.” Ilarian kicked the Sue flat onto the floor, stepped over her, and began the recitation. It took a long time.
“Kristy, you are charged with being a hideous, horrible, disgusting brat, with being purposely stupid, with messing with established, harmonious canon relationships (Elladan and Elrohir) with being an uncaring twit (when Misnamed un-canonically dies) with being a liar, and generally destroying the characters of Elessar, Thranduil, the twins, and Elrond. Not to mention I nearly died tracking you down.”
Ilarian pulled aside her Wood-elf cloak and drew her pistol. The Sue’s eyes widened, then she laughed.
“Aranel will totally kill you,” she said. “And Indi. Because she’s such a br– ”
Kristy didn’t finish. She went flying backwards into the bed and did not move again, twitching every so often as she died. Slowly.
Ilarian stood there with a smoking pistol in hand, shaking madly. Then she remembered there was still another Suebrat to deal with, and canon characters to rescue. She whirled across the bloody floor and dashed flat-footed from the chamber.
She came on Legolas just as Indi threw her arms around his neck and tried to kiss him. Ilarian lowered her pistol and fired.
Legolas looked relieved as the Sue suddenly toppled over, gargling. She looked rather like Ilarian had when caught in the nightmare that was the fic.
“Thank Elbereth,” said Legolas.
“You can say that again!” Ilarian waited until the Sue vanished, then she ran into the dining chamber, gripped Thranduil by the shoulders, and said urgently, “You are all right now?”
Thranduil, having returned to normal, didn’t see her, but he did hear her voice. He nodded numbly, opening and closing his fingers. “What did I do?” he murmured, shaking. “What did I do?”
“Happens a lot.” Ilarian was tempted to stay and make sure that her favorite was all right, but she had to head off Elessar and the twins first.
She dashed out into Mirkwood, huffing and puffing, wiping sweat off her face, until finally she found them. Elladan and Elrohir were having an argument about who Elrond favored more.
Ilarian summoned up thoughts of Tolkien, and God, and the shining beacon of canon that was the Lord of the Rings books. She thought of Faramir with raven hair, not tempted by the Ring, saying that he would not take it even if he found it lying by the wayside. Then she yelled, as loudly as she could, “The power of TOLKIEN compels you to throw off the darkness that is the evil influence of Sues!”
Elladan and Elrohir shuddered and blinked. They slid off their horses, then grabbed each other by the shoulders and stared desperately into each other’s faces, as if to reassure themselves that they were all right.
“What are we doing in Eryn Lasgalen?” said Elladan after a moment.
Ilarian breathed a sigh of relief. Her other favorites were getting better, as they remembered the correct name for Mirkwood post-War of the Ring, and wondered what the bloody heck they were doing there.
Elessar sat on his horse looking dazed. Ilarian, reassured now that the twins would recover, went over to him and said gently, “The nightmare’s over, Elessar Telcontar. Go back to Gondor, and you’ll find Queen Arwen Undómiel, a living Eldarion, and the correct number of daughters. Who are not brats.”
Elessar, although he could not see her, understood, wheeled around his horse, and rode away. Later he would think that it was just a dream, and he would wake up safely in bed where he was supposed to be.
Elladan and Elrohir, best friends again as they were in canon, rode off to return to Imladris. Ilarian breathed a heartfelt sigh of relief. Then, standing in Mirkwood, she punched in the numbers and phased herself back to Headquarters. She had never been so glad to see her boring room in her life.
“And now,” Ilarian muttered, trudging off, her knees still weak from the atrocity of the fic that she had just saved Middle-earth from, “I need to ask Makes-Things for a new CAD. And that in itself might be scarier than that entire trainwreck.”