“Rich, it’s your turn.”
“Can’t you stay awake for more than two seconds?”
“Only when it’s important.”
Kazra only looked slightly mollified at this and was about to launch into her next tirade, when mercifully for Rich—
Kazra snapped her mouth shut and stepped over to the console, knocking away the box that contained the remains of last night’s banana and sushi pizza.
“We really need to do some tidying in here at some point,” she noted. “Oh, flibble.”
“Spelling, grammar, mangling of plot. Apart from that, it’s not too bad.”
“Aragon. Seems to be missing another ‘r’.”
“Mush mush.” Kazra rolled her eyes. “I’m going to have to invest in a large number of pointy sticks,” she muttered.
“I get her this time,” Rich said as he rose and fished around for his Character Analysis Device.
“Pardon?” Kazra was still tapping away merrily. “Ooh, she arrives before Rivendell, that is unusual.”
“I get the Sue. You got her last time.”
“Sure you can stay awake that long?” Kazra said sarcastically as she pressed the final few buttons.
“Hey, when did the sound effects start?” she asked, surprised.
“Some guy dropped by while you were off shouting at the neighbours for making too much noise and had a tinker with it,” Rich replied.
Kazra eyed the portal as though it was going to bite her.
“Come on, Kaz. Didn’t you say that you were in a hurry?” And Rich’s smile was pure evil as he stepped through. An inarticulate choking sound followed him, before there was a crash from the other side. “And there goes another bit of furniture,” he sighed, but with a gleeful smirk. Kazra-baiting. Funfunfun.
Kazra stepped out, growling, but settled for glaring at Rich instead of speaking.
“So where are we?” Rich asked.
“Middle-earth,” was the slightly petulant reply.
“Whereabouts?” And Rich tried to keep his temper.
“Oh, alright. Somewhere outside Bree.”
“Bree and Uruk-hai don’t mix,” Rich stated, wondering if his partner was trying to get them killed.
“I know. That’s why we’re human. You mean you didn’t notice?”
“I was more concerned with finding out where we were than what we were.”
“Point. Anyway, does sitting around in Bree eavesdropping sound good to you?” Kazra asked.
“It beats sitting around in a damp forest eavesdropping.”
“I thought you’d say that. And the advantage is, if I remember correctly, none but the Sue will be able to see us.”
“So we don’t have to pay for a room?” Rich looked pleased at that idea.
“Kaz, will you move your foot!”
“Yeah, if you’ll move your hand.”
The offending appendages were pulled back into their rightful positions as the two assassins eavesdropped, ears to the wall.
“I am a friend of Gandalf’s. I am Aragon, King of Gondor.”
The assassins grimaced at each other.
“Anyone care to tell me where that line appears?” Kazra muttered.
“Be nice, Kaz.”
“What would his subjects call him? Oh gaseous one?”
“Pardon?” Rich asked, wondering if he had heard his partner right. Kazra sighed.
“Argon is a gas. Aragon sounds like Argon. Hence ‘Oh gaseous one’. Did you not pay attention in Chemistry?”
“I took Biology instead.”
“Kaz!” And Rich kicked her as best he could. Fortunately the thundering footsteps and the banging of the door next-door covered her yelp and subsequent attempt to strangle Rich.
“I’ll fight yeh!”
“You are very brave Gamgee.”
“How did he know Sam’s name?” Kazra asked.
“Oh, sorry Rich.”
“How many attempts to strangle me does that make now?”
“Five too many,” Rich muttered, rubbing his neck tenderly.
“So, have you decided how to dispatch the Sue yet?” Kazra asked, while from the other side of the wall came the sound of the five hobbits and Aragorn/Aragon getting organised.
“There does seem to be one perfect opportunity. Apparently, while they’re in Moria, she gets shot in the shoulder. Perhaps if the arrow went a bit lower?”
“That’s brill! Plus, the large drop would solve any disposal problems.”
“I have my moments. So, are we off to Rivendell next?”
“Or Rivendale? No. For some reason the Council of Elrond is missed entirely.”
“Well, that makes a change.”
“So we just hop straight to the Mines, I think.”
“Nothing happens in between?”
Moria was dark, cold, and dusty.
“I’m just glad we remembered to go as Uruk-hai,” Rich commented, twisting an arrow in his fingers to check its balance.
Kazra put the last stitch into a cracked skull on her cross-stitch and looked up. “Could have been unpleasant otherwise,” she agreed. “Have you worked out the list of charges?”
“Sort of,” was the slightly cryptic reply.
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Kazra couldn’t stand the silence and started to talk.
“Have you heard the latest gossip about those two on the floor above...”
Rich closed his eyes (which went unnoticed in the dark) and muttered something to himself while Kazra talked.
The sound of Orcs and what appeared to be an irritated Balrog disturbed them. Kazra finally shut up and slid her cross-stitch away, her eyes glazing as she followed the words and the Fellowship.
“Did you know this is where Glóin is buried?” she asked.
Rich frowned. “I thought Balin was.”
“Oh, here they come.”
And come they did. Legolas crossed the gaping hole in the bridge, followed by Gandalf.
“Lady Adela, you should go next,” floated up to the pair of assassins where they waited.
“That’s your cue.” Kazra nudged Rich.
“I know, Kaz. Just chill.”
Kazra rolled her eyes, but reached for her own bow. If Rich missed, someone had to stick an arrow in her shoulder to preserve what canon there was until they could dispatch her.
Rich stood up, and took careful aim.
“Frodo get down.”
“Good shot,” Kazra said admiringly as the arrow hit its target, its force knocking her backwards a few steps but not hard enough to knock her off the stairs.
“Oh, flibble,” Rich growled. Silently, Kazra handed him another arrow, which was nocked and loosed before the Fellowship had recovered.
This one knocked Adela off the bridge, and Rich nodded in satisfaction.
“At least that’ll stop the Balrog developing tentacles. Back to base?” Kazra asked.
“Unless you want to hang around here for some reason—and that is not a good reason, Kazra Frost!”
Kazra shot a regretful look at Legolas below, before she stood.
“Anyway, if we were in Lothlórien it would be a different story, ’cos then it would be me restraining you, Rich-who-fancies-Galadriel.”
Rich politely ignored the comment. “Come on, let’s move. I could really go for a banana and sushi pizza.”
“Not another one! They stink the place out.”
And bickering amiably (or not), the assassins left the canon to its own devices.
((Kazra's A/N: And another one bites the dust. Again, thanks to Acacia and Jay for the whole idea of the PPC (you’re going to get a mention in every A/N guys :) ) Thanks to all the nice people who have reviewed this so far, hope this next one meets with your approval.
Anyone know of any more deserving cases for assassination?
Kazra, and Rich (who is sleeping at the moment)))