Jay and Acacia own the PPC, Lady Kerriwen (thankfully) owns Silver, JRR Tolkien owns LOTR and all characters within. All we own are Luthy and Sil! (I think we got the short end of the deal...)
For the masochistic, this fic can be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2219803/1/ We recommend you wear a pair of sunglasses.
Click click click...
Click click click...
"Augh, I think I'm going to lose my mind," Luthy muttered into her mug of roobius tea.
Click click click...
"Don't you ever stop!?" she shouted across the tiny room to Sil, who flinched.
"Nope, (click click) if I stopped I'd never (click click) finish!" she said, beaming.
"Urg," Luthy said, and took a deep swallow of her tea.
And burned her throat.
"AUGH!" she cried, leaping up and spilling tea all over the floor. "AUGH AUGH AGH!! My feet! They've been burned off!! Ahhh!!!"
And she proceeded to run around the room like a chicken with her head cut off.
Sil just knitted calmly.
Luthy stopped and stared at her. "Doesn't anything faze you?"
Sil grinned. "Anything but you. I'm used to you."
Luthy rolled her eyes and groaned.
"So, I love your hair!" Sil said when Luthy had herself resituated with a new mug of tea.
"Thankyouverymuch," Luthy said in her best Elvis voice.
"I hate Elvis."
"So do I."
They giggled for a moment.
"A lot of people said that red just wasn't my colour," Luthy said when she could talk again. "But I like it!"
"Oh, so do I! It's pretty, and I'm done with this row!"
"Oh goody, another row of clickety."
Luthy jumped about six feet in the air, and Sil almost poked her eyes out with the knitting needles.
"Ooh, our first assignment!" Sil said, standing up and setting her knitting on the chair. "We better get our stuff."
"Good thing I made us pack it all already!" Luthy said.
"You made us pack it? I was the one who told you you'd better do it just in case!"
Sil rolled her eyes and pulled out the two stuffed backpacks. "Whatever. Here."
Luthy scanned the description. "So, er, this looks easy enough for a first assignment," she said, sounding slightly strangled. "Uh oh."
"Uh-oh is putting it mildly," Sil muttered. "Here." She handed Luthy a pair of sunglasses.
Luthy didn't argue, just slipped them over her eyes. "All right now, we just push this, right?"
The world began to spin, and swirl, and do all sorts of dizzying things that start with "s", and when it stopped, the two agents found themselves?
"Where are we!?" Sil exclaimed.
Luthy glanced at the Words. "In a world that revolves around Silver the Spectacular."
"Luthy, I want to go home and knit!" Sil exclaimed, but it was too late.
Down the grey street, through a grey world, walked the most ridiculously elaborate girl the two agents had ever seen. She was "really pretty" according to the author, with silver hair, and eyes that were suffering an identity crisis, because they changed colours so often it was painful to watch.
"Ahh, I bless the inventor of the sunglasses," Luthy mumbled.
"Bless the inventor of uzis," Sil growled.
Silver was sixteen years old and she liked to sing and dance. In fact, she had a lot of solos in school because the teacher thought Silver's voice was so good. And everyone was jealose of the graceful way taht Silver could dance. She was better than everyone. What nobody knew that was Silver was an orpahan and she lived by herself in an old house. She was really sad that she had no parents, but she liked to read. Nobody knew she lived alone, not even her teachers or the other students in school. Nobody knew at all and Silver was sad.
"But she liked to read books!" Sil added. "Puh-leeze."
"Spell much?" Luthy asked the absent author.
The girl, whose name was Silver – "How creative!" – suddenly paused when a portal appeared in front of her, and Luthy and Sil blessed the inventor of the sunglasses again.
"I think that that portal might take me to middle earth! Mabye my parents are there, I've always wanted to find them.
"Oh, right, the first thing she thinks is, 'Of course this must take me to Middle-earth!' They all do, you know?"
The girl stepped through the portal with a simpering smile on her face and vanished. "Quick, we'd better follow before that...thing...disappears," Luthy muttered. "But we'd better get disguises quick first. Umm? Looks like we're going to Rivendell," she said, scanning the Words. "How about Elves? Sound fine to you? Good," she finished without waiting for an answer.
She pressed a few buttons and another portal opened in front of the sickly greenish one. "All right, let's go," she said, sounding a trifle nervous for the first time.
On the other side of the 'green swirling' portal was 'Rivendaell', which appeared to be very confused.
It was a monstrous castle, bigger than any Luthy or Sil had ever seen, made half out of trees and half out of stone, painted black, and twisted partway onto its side.
"So, I guess this is what happens when you confuse a city," Luthy said in a hushed, reverent tone. Sil let out a nervous, squeaky giggle.
Her giggle was interrupted by a horrible screech that seemed to be coming from...
Luthy and Sil glanced down at the manuscript in their hands. The words on the paper were shifting back and forth; Sil would have sworn they looked like they were having convulsions. Suddenly the word 'Rivendaell' sprang off the page, nothing but ten letters floating before them, spelling out the word. It began to spin, to twist, and to generally display signs of severe pain. The two agents found themselves glad that they weren't misspelled city names.
Luthy hissed "What's going on?"
"Dunno. Better put on the sunglasses."
They did, just in time to see 'Rivendaell' burst into flames. It burned furiously for only a few seconds, and then, in its place, was...
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Our first assignment, and we have a mini?!?"
The Mini Balrog crouched before them, a mixture of Awwww and AHH!! It glanced up at them, around at the settings, or lack thereof, and began to purr.
"So what do we do with it?" Sil asked.
"Erm?" After a moment, Luthy shrugged. "Let's send him back to our room. We can find out later."
Sil agreed, and they opened the portal just enough to send Rivendaell back to HQ.
"Now where were we?"
A blond Elf appeared out of nowhere and approached the Sue, smiling vapidly. "hi I am named legolas, who are you? You are very pretty" he said. Luthy's eyes widened.
"I don't even want to know how out of character he is," she whispered. "We'd probably blow up the Character Analysis Device."
"Everyone else does," Sil argued. "Makes-Things is always complaining about having to make new ones. He won't mind if we join the crowd."
Luthy grudgingly got out the device. "All right, if you say so. But you're doing it, and don't say I didn't warn you!"
Sil, worried now, took it, aimed it at Legolas, and pressed the button. For a moment, there was nothing but silence, and then it began to whirr so loudly that it could be heard in Valinor.
WHHEEEPWhhhheeeepppppppptttttLeogolasmushylovestruckchildbacterialattescarpediem OutOfCharacter 95.25476%!!
And then it blew up, just as Luthy had predicted. Right in Sil's hands.
"Augh!!" She dropped the remaining pieces of the device and wiped the sulphur from the explosion off of her face. And praised sunglasses again.
The Sue followed Legolas into "his home" as he insisted that she wear a dress.
"His home? His home?? What is this person thinking!! Legolas does NOT live in Rivendell! Where do these adolescent, hormonal girls get their information!?" Sil subsided into muttering punctuated by frequent squawks.
Luthy took her hand and led her after Legolas and the Sue, saying soothingly "It's all right, just a stupid Sue, we'll kill her painfully!"
But it was Luthy twitching when Legolas challenged Silver to an archery contest.
And the Sue nearly WON.
And then Legolas asked Silver to be his date to his 21st birthday party, and suddenly there was a short, slight Elven child – he looked about ten years old – holding the Sue's hand. But she didn't seem to notice the change, and demurely agreed to come AND to sing.
As soon as child!Legolas walked away, Luthy hissed, "Can I charge her now? Please?"
"Only if I get to kill her," Sil hissed back.
Luthy ran after the Sue, who was walking away with an empty smile on her face. "Silver!" she called.
The Sue turned. "Yes? Would you like to admire my beauty too?"
Luthy rolled her eyes. "Nope."
"Then do you want to listen to my beautiful silvery voice?"
"Actually, this is much more special," she said with grim satisfaction.
"Special? Oh, I love special!" Silver said, clapping her hands together.
"Silver, you are charged with being a Sue, butchering the English language, having a portal to Middle Earth, making Legolas fall in love with you for no reason, making Legolas go out of character, making Legolas live in 'Rivendaell', almost beating Legolas at an archery tournament, having an absolutely amazing voice just to make yourself look cool, having settings with absolutely no description, being an orphan who nevertheless has a bow and a house, and making Legolas twenty years old – which means you were 'dating' a child, which is really sick!"
"What?" the Sue asked, opening her silver-blue-green-purple-red-black-whatever eyes wide.
"Oh, and existing!" Luthy added quickly.
"Can we do that?" Sil whispered.
"For your crimes, you are sentenced to death," Luthy said with a feral grin. "Take it away, Sil!"
Sil stepped forward with the biggest grin she had worn since...well, it didn't matter, because it was big. And maniacal. "Any last words, Silver?" she demanded.
"I..I? You can't kill me! I'm perfect! And Legolas won't let you get away with this! We're going to be king and queen of Rivendaell!"
"They never learn," Luthy sighed.
"Nope. Hey, that gives me an idea!"
There was panic all around them. Silver stood between the two agents, her hands tied behind her back, complaining in a loud, whiny voice that Legolas would never let them kill his girlfriend.
Luthy was ignoring the Sue. "Are we??" she asked incredulously.
Sil nodded. "Númenor. Right before?" She trailed off as well and smirked. Luthy smirked back. At least, it looked like a smirk. It was difficult to tell while her face was buried behind a camera.
Click, click, click
"Now who is clicking?" Sil asked, rolling her eyes.
"Númenor?" the Sue asked. "Where? where is Rivendaell? And what is a Numynore?"
"We'll leave you to decide for yourself," Sil said, setting Silver down in the middle of a street filled with panic-stricken people. The shouts were deafening as the city's people ran for their lives, and all the while the waters on the coast rose higher and higher, and the waves came closer and closer?
"A shame, really," Luthy said. Click, click, click. "At least I've got some pictures!"
"Some? Let's go!" Sil reached down to her belt, pressed a button, and Númenor vanished in a swirl of terrified screams.
[Luthy's AN: That was just... utterly painful. *dies* A great first assignment, though, and at least it wasn't slash!!]
[Sil's AN: Well, that wasn't so bad, considering. More funny than painful, but honestly, Rivendaell?!?! Get it right, people! At least put him in Merkwod, or something... yeesh.]