1.Home from Home
3.He’s Cute, but Leave Him Alone
4.Fire and Water – Wholesale Devastation
5.Don’t Try This at Home

1. Home from Home

Spending a lot of time in Canon can have its downfalls

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2. Anachronism

Don’t leave a mess when you leave

Anachronistic technology leaves a stain on the world. It keeps the ’Sue’s influence alive and growing. It may spawn another ’Sue, or it may remain dormant. Whatever the case, the Canon will never completely snap back into place unless the offending item is removed. Anachronisms can manifest as objects, skills, memories, or Cute Animal Friends, and their presence keeps the world under the slightest Suvian Influence. They also tend to keep the memories of the ’Sue-fic closer to the surface. Canon characters have enough trouble without flashbacks from the last fic (which are more disturbing when they don’t actually remember those particular events) without your help. The last thing anyone needs is an irresponsible Agent who leaves their equipment, or the ’Sue’s, in the continuum.

While all Agents are trained to destroy the obvious contamination of Canon, many of them forget the very small details. All things uncanon must be removed from the continuum, including any objects created by the Suethor. A sampling from the official list includes but is not limited to: made-up geography, magical items, jewelry of any sort, and any and all technology not native to the continuum, etcetera. A complete list can be viewed by using your console. It is updated thrice daily, so all Agents are expected to be up to date at all times. In spite of this, we are aware that it is sometimes impossible to get rid of every ’Sue-spawned object in Canon. In light of this, we urge all Agents to use their best judgment in the matter. We will inform you when you screw up.

Less tangible anachronisms are no less important. Memories, languages, and skills also fall under the category of uncanon Suefluence. Contrary to popular belief, the neuralyzers with which all Agents are equipped do not merely serve to decorate utility belts. They are meant to be used. All memories of the badfic and the ’Sue must be wiped, along with any skills or abilities the Suethor may have forced upon the Canons. This will be done, under pain of Pain.

Along with ’Sue technology, PPC technology is never to be left behind. Not only is it expensive, thereby pulling the budget even tighter when we have to provide you new equipment, but it is almost always too advanced for any continuum, and is in itself yet another anachronism. As a rule of thumb: if the Agent brings something into the continuum, it returns to HQ with the Agent. Food is brought back via the stomach and intestines of the Agent. Everything else comes back on the backs and belts of said Agents. Don’t worry about the consequences of leaving your equipment behind. We will think of something much worse.

3. He’s Cute, but Leave Him Alone

Lust Objects and how not to glomp them

The PPC is dedicated to the efficient (at least in some semblance of the word) destruction of Mary-Sues and the preservation of the Canon. If you have been suckered into joining on the pretence of any other job: sorry. It’s too late to get out now. Nothing brings down efficiency like the despicable and possibly unsanitary practice of glomping Lust Objects (commonly referred to as LOs). Glomping is not tolerated and indulging in said behavior will result in docked pay (among other things).

The term “Lust Object” applies to just about anything or anyone that causes excessive drooling not related to dental procedures or food. Attractive young men and women are the most common Lust Objects. However, few characters truly escape Lust Object status. There is always some sicko individual who finds a given character attractive.

Of course, it is nearly impossible to avoid close proximity to Lust Objects. Where there’s a Lust Object, there’s a Sue. And where there is a Sue there should be an Agent ready to charge her and decapitate her in very short order. So avoidance is a near futile strategy. That said, there is no excuse to follow Lust Objects around “just in case the ’Sue shows up.” Especially anywhere the Lust Object might be going alone.

Anti-Lustin was developed to suppress or neutralize some of the more carnal urges of Agents, especially those who are reformed Sues. It comes in pill and injection forms, both of which are available through the Medical Department. Get some. Keep it within reach at all times. Use the proper dosage. There are no recorded side effects for over-dosing on Anti-Lustin or any recorded effects of Anti-Lustin on Sues or Canonicals; however, the injected form of Anti-Lustin is not to be ingested, despite what Agent Hellebore might claim.

If you should find yourself overcome with the urge to glomp a Lust Object, follow this procedure:

  1. Remove yourself from the LO’s proximity.
  2. Take a fast-acting dose of Anti-Lustin.
  3. Failing steps 1 and 2, find a blunt and/or heavy object.
  4. Strike yourself repeatedly until the urge is suppressed.
  5. Rinse and Repeat.

In the event that an Agent finds their partner(s) in the throes of lust, they should employ whatever is at hand (excluding bear traps) to restrain their partner. Just remember to untie them. Eventually.

Should any Flower Official catch wind of Lust Object Glomping (LOG), the offending Agent(s) will have some very important videos (possibly involving the Librarian and a raisin Danish) to watch. Repeatedly.

4. Fire and Water – Wholesale Devastation

Please don’t destroy the Canon

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5. Don’t Try This at Home

Story collapses and other end-of-the-world scenarios

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