I do not own the PPC or anything attached to it—with the possible exception of RC #5719 and its inhabitants. Neither do I own Naruto, which belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. All things related to the Abhorsen series belong to Garth Nix, whatever Tirsaer says. "Love Me Hate Me, Kiss Me Kill Me," which can be found here, belongs to haipa-chan, as does the character Amai. As far as I am concerned, she is welcome to them both.
* * *
"A Mary Sue," Ryni murmured, scanning the console screen for information on the upcoming mission. "Angsty, angry, requiring the recognition of a Lust Object to survive."
"They all do," Tirsaer sighed, slouching in his chair. "And to top it off, she's a vampire. And a ninja." He shook his head. "I hate the Naruto fandom."
"From the information sent to give us warning, the fic seems to be first person, with multiple minis and misspellings," Ryni noted.
"First person, huh?" Tirsaer groaned and reached into his pocket, only to pull out an empty candy wrapper. Grimacing, he tossed it into the trash and leaned back. "I hate first person, too. Let me guess—smugly superior, stronger and more powerful than any of the canons, is inherently 'better' than everyone else?"
"How could it be any other way?" Ryni questioned, turning away and walking back towards the table. She picked up a small pair of sewing scissors and ran a finger over the metal edges. "Soon, however, the 'Sue will no longer exist to torment all with her very existence."
Frowning, Tirsaer squinted thoughtfully at the screen. "Hey, Ryni?"
"Can we blow up the console and pretend we never got the mission?"
His partner looked almost offended by the suggestion. "You would abandon the canon to its cruel, undeserved fate? You would leave it, helpless and at the mercy of this poison-tongued menace?"
"No, no. Of course not." Tirsaer stood up, attaching the swab he held to his belt. "I just think that we should let someone else save the world for once."
"If you would allow your mind to complete the function for which it was designed, you would surely realize that everyone else is caught up with their own troubles and terrors, saving their own worlds from their own nightmares. And some are even saving our own world from other, blood-curdling frights." Wandering over to a green trunk shoved against the wall, she kicked the lid open and pulled out two backpacks.
"Uh, Ryni?" Tirsaer took the bag his partner held out to him. "It's not 'our' world."
"For as long as we stand by, ready to protect and defend against the leeches of canon, then it is ours." Adjusting the straps of her backpack, Ryni set the disguise generator and opened the portal. "Ours in responsibility, if not in name."
"Well, if it's all the same to you, I would prefer to stay in a world that is mine in name. That is to say, the response center." All the same, he stepped through the portal, with Ryni following close behind.
"Hee... I'm a ninja, cool." Delighted, Tirsaer examined his new outfit. "Sharp pointy objects, check. Summoning scrolls, check. Tasteful black, check, although that's not exactly different from usual. Hey, it even let me keep my jacket! Although this headband is annoying...."
"I see you have also retained both your uncanon instruments of evil and your oversized Q-tip," Ryni observed. Her headband rested lower than was usual on her forehead, partially obscuring her eyes.
"Instruments of evil? Oversized Q-tip?" Tirsaer sputtered, closing his hand over the hilt of said Q-tip. "It's a swab. Not a Q-tip. Not a funny looking sword. A swab. And these bells are the tools of a necromancer, and I'll have you know they're only evil—"
At this point an author's note smacked him in the face, knocking him to the ground.
disclamer : i do not own Naruto but i do own my OC so you cant sue me, but i can sue you bitches if you steal my character...sooo hahahahahah.
Yeah i didn't mention in my summary that Amai is a vampire so i'm just going to tell you ahead of time because i feel like it. Yeah this is my first fanfic so please to be mad or anything if its not the best. im trying here. ok thanks for reading!
NOW ONWARD TO THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"... Ow." Tirsaer picked himself up from the ground, wincing. "All that? The story hasn't even started yet!" True to his words, the surrounding landscape was the sort of unfinished gray that fills in the spaces between the described features of a story. Oddly enough, the color was rather close to the eye-numbing shade found throughout Headquarters.
Beside him, Ryni scribbled in a battered notebook, a scowl creasing her face. "Do not act so astonished, my poor, naïve partner. Remember that the great talent of Suethors is to torment the unsuspecting and unwary with brain-breaking stupidity, and worse is surely yet to come."
"Hey!" Tirsaer protested. "Who's the senior assassin here? I should be lecturing you!"
"I fail to comprehend what wisdom your seniority and experience have bestowed upon you, for you still seem as clumsy and unprepared as the newest recruit." She paused. "Though I must admit, your continual innocence in the face of such sickness comes across as rather endearing."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tirsaer demanded. "I am not unprepared! Kindly recall that I've been here for ages, while you just happened to barge into my room out of nowhere one day! Before this, I've worked with Intelligence, Implausible Crossovers, and Mary Sues! You've just worked with the Floaters! And you think—aaargh!"
At this moment, a noise began from nowhere, floating out of the dull grayness surrounding them. It sounded suspiciously like the Suethor had decided to insert the full lyrics of a favorite song into the start of the chapter.
"Make it stop," Tirsaer moaned, falling to his knees. One hand clutched to his head, he fumbled at a pocket in his jacket and pulled out a set of headphones, which he quickly snapped on. In a matter of seconds, he was determinedly attempting to recreate with vocals a song composed for electric instruments.
"BAH DAH DUM! doo deedoo diddoo daddoo diddoo daddoo daddoo deedoo...."
Next to him, Ryni sighed and added made another note. "Be that as it may, I believe my point remains standing."
Oblivious, Tirsaer continued to cling to his headphones and bellow over the Suethor-added song.
Eventually the lyrics ended, although Tirsaer continued, eyes screwed shut and headphones pressed to his ears, until Ryni kicked him.
"—What? Oh. It's finished?" Tirsaer stood up, brushing nonexistent dust from his knees. "That's good. Does that happen again?"
Looking up, Ryni's eyes glazed over briefly. "Aye. So she starts every chapter."
"You're kidding." Aghast, Tirsaer tore off his headphones. "We are not sitting through that again."
"So I though, as well."
The gray nothingness around them dissolved into a vaguely described forest, and the story began.
"Wait... can you see her?" A haze of typos and misspellings covered the surrounding landscape, making it hard to see the 'Sue as she leapt through the trees.
"I must confess some difficulty." Once again a charge went into the notebook.
"Let's see what we have here, anyway." Pulling the CAD from his backpack, Tirsaer pointed it at the 'Sue.
[Amai. Vampire. Non-canon. Mary Sue. Permission to destroy granted.]
"Ooo-kay." Tirsaer stared at the readout. "Since when do we need permission?"
"Ever since that moment in time when a perfectly innocent canon, ensnared and imprisoned by the possessing wraith of a Suethor, was ambushed and nearly strangled to the point of death by an overzealous Protector of the Plot Continuum."
"Hold on—if I recall correctly, you were the one who did that, not me!" Tirsaer protested.
"Aye, but have you not reminded me of your seniority over myself? Surely with seniority comes responsibility." Ryni smiled innocently.
"Now you're twisting my words! That's not fair!"
"Fair? Since when has 'fair ' been a concern of mine—or yours?"
Following behind the 'Sue as they bickered, it didn't take long for the agents to discover that she was apparently using her 1337 mind-reading skillz to help run the Chuunin exams. She also hated humans with a passion.
"So if she hates humans, why is she working for them?" Tirsaer wondered.
"The non-existent logic of 'Sues," Ryni sighed.
At the smell of blood, the 'Sue abruptly ran off, leaving the agents standing astonished. "Four kilometers in two seconds?" Tirsaer snorted. "Portal, please."
Shaking her head, Ryni opened a portal, and they stepped through into the edge of a clearing, where it looked like Gaara had just demonstrated his killing addiction. The 'Sue stood watching from a tree, arrogantly declaring that while she could see everything that was going on, no one could see her.
"So do dead people really turn blue like that?" Tirsaer asked, squinting at the bodies in the clearing.
"Not in normal circumstances, no. But since when does the presence of a 'Sue indicate normality?"
The scene played out pretty much like canon, including Team 8 hiding in the bushes. Then Garra the mini-Kyuubi appeared.
"Wow.... She's consistently misspelling her Lust Object's name." Tirsaer shook his head, staring at the mini trapped in Gaara's shape. "I do not want to have to deal with that thing by the time she's finished."
Indeed, Garra looked murderous, and seemed to grow more so as another mini, shakaku, popped into existence. The miniature nine-tailed fox looked around, then bounded towards the two agents lurking between the trees.
"Uh, hi," Tirsaer muttered, backing away from the mini, which cocked its head curiously and followed.
Ryni scribbled down a charge, then winced and added another. "So she claims more chakra than Shukaku, it seems."
Then Temarie appeared.
"Oh good grief..." Tirsaer moaned as yet another mini made a beeline towards him.
"So fear of imminent death is counted as trivial," Ryni noted, watching the 'Sue disparagingly dismiss Temari's well-founded fear of her sibling. "I fail to see how she can make such claims."
"Hey, Ryni?" Tirsaer called, shrinking back against a tree as the two minis nipped playfully at his legs.
"How come these minis are over here with us, while Garra's still over there?"
"While these were mentioned once and then ignored, constant repetition forces Garra to play the part of a canon, likely unwillingly."
While the 'Sue complained over not hearing "Garra's" thoughts, the people in the clearing finally noticed her in the tree. And yet another mini—Kunkuro—appeared.
"Gaah! They're everywhere!" Now with three minis snapping at his feet, Tirsaer whipped out the swab from his belt and swung it threateningly. "Back! Get back! Ryni! Help!"
"I must ask you to still your voice for a time, lest you alert those who should remain unaware of our presence." Ryni didn't look away from the scene, pencil poised to take another charge.
A gust of wind rushed by blowing up some stray leave so they danced in the air Garra directly in the path of the air. Hi sent hit me like a dozen blunt kunai embeding themselve slowly into my flesh. There was no image frightning enough to show what happened to me at that moment.
"Look, I'm sorry to distract you, but this is getting really desperate here—GAAAH NO GET IT OFF ME!" Tirsaer shrieked as Temarie sank sharp, gleaming fangs into his leg. In a matter of seconds, he had scrambled up the tree and was perching on a branch, staring with terror down on the undersized demons glazing up malevolently at him.
"Tirsaer. If you do not cease your whining, I will be forced to take actions which you might perhaps find unpleasant," Ryni snarled, diving to the ground as the people in the clearing turned to stare. Fortunately, screams were not overly uncommon in the forest, and the 'Suethor's influence quickly returned.
In that instant all the self conrtol that I had built up like a wall between me and the outside world shattered like fragil glass. All that remained of my last shreds of humanity were torn away.
I was thirsty I hadn't had blood in over 2 weeks.
I was the pretador. He was my prey. That was the truth to antagonizing bitter truth.
"Look what that thing did! Look! I'm bleeding! And it hurts! For all I know, our friend the vampire over there will smell it!" Rolling up the leg of his pants, Tirsaer pulled bandage from his backpack, muttering something about "rabies" and "barbeque." Below him, Temarie made a sound not unlike a snicker.
"I doubt the 'Sue, absorbed and embroiled in this nightmare of her own devising, will take notice of your Free Magic–tainted blood," Ryni grumbled, standing up and adding to the charge list.
"Not tainted. Not tainted," Tirsaer protested, wrapping up his leg. "I dabble in Free Magic and necromancy. It's like a hobby or something."
"And the bells you wear as though you would die if parted from, despite being in a continuum where they serve no more purpose than use as blunt weaponry?"
"Just being safe." Satisfied that the bandage was securely in place, Tirsaer sighed and ran his fingers over the bandolier on his chest. "Just being safe."
In the clearing, the 'Sue was still planning to kill the team standing in front of her, although she hadn't moved in quite a long time. Eventually she stopped breathing, apparently so she wouldn't have to smell anything.
"Sorry to break it to you, Ryni, but it looks like you won't be able to strangle her," Tirsaer commented, leaning out of his tree to better observe the 'Sue. "Staking and decapitation, you think? Just to be on the safe side."
"Likely a wise idea. It would be appreciated if you could locate an appropriate object to use in the staking."
"I'm on it!" Tirsaer reached up and snapped a branch from the tree.
As "Garra" finally began to attack the 'Sue, she turned and ran. Then the scene changed.
With the change of scenery, Tirsaer's tree vanished. The minis, however, didn't.
"Ryni! Help! PLEASE!"
Sighing, Ryni wandered over to help pull her partner from the pile of red fur covering him. "Truly, you do yourself no favors by allowing them to act such."
"Allow? Allow? I don't let them do this! They just—that's really weird."
The three ninjas the 'Sue had just killed were turning blue.
"Wait." Tirsaer frowned. "If she's helping in the exam, why's she killing the participants? I mean, isn't her job to make sure things get too out of hand?"
"Question not the logic of 'Sues," Ryni warned. "Doing such will only lead to sorrow. Cease your evil, demon," she added to Kunkuro, who seemed about to take another bite of Tirsaer's leg, "or be gone into the depths of this mockery of writing."
The mini backed away, disappointed.
"Uh-oh," Tirsaer muttered. "Another chapter's about to start. Portal!"
His partner nodded and held up the remote activator. A portal snapped open, and they stepped through into an undescribed secret room, taking position by the door as though they were guards. They minis spread out around the walls. As it turned out, they were just in time to see the Hokage greet the 'Sue.
"Amai it's good to see you well" he said with general concern in his voice
"It's good to see he's only generally concerned about her," Tirsaer grumbled.
"Hai Sarutobi it is good to see you to" was the 'Sue's response.
"Well what do you have to report?" To Tirsaer, the Hokage looked somewhat confused with the situation.
"Fight it," the necromancer hissed. "Fight the mind control!"
"Useless, as well you know," Ryni said sadly. "Struggle all he may, but the 'Sue is designed to take control of any canon, anywhere."
" The usual exept the snad genin they are way above genin level"
"More minis?" True to his words, three more undersized fox-demons materialized, quickly running over to join the others. And shortly they were joined by Sarutovi, who appeared as the Sue revealed her random killing in the forest.
"Yes! Now he will have no choice but to destroy her!" Tirsaer cheered.
"Hmm…. Well this could cause some problems but I am confidnet that you can conrtol yourself. Even if it was unfortunate that you had to kill those rain nin. But I suppose there is nothing I can do about it now they knew there wqere dangers in the forest including you. But I would like if it wanst to much trouble that you refrain from killing any more of my villagers or our allies. If they found out it would be very grim bussiness for you and Kohana."
"What? But she just showed that she can't control herself!" Tirsaer wailed. "Plus, now we have another mini to deal with! Let's kill her! Now!"
"Silence!" Ryni barked as Kohana rushed over. The Hokage and the 'Sue looked over curiously, but soon returned to talking after seeing nothing unusual. "Worse is yet to come."
"Worse?" Tirsaer whimpered.
At this time the Hokage revealed his plan to enter the 'Sue in the exam.
"you will be on Kakashi's team"
"Hatake Kakashi the copie ninja?"
"Yes his genin are Hurano Sakura she lacks physical strength but is smart and is very good at chakra control. And Uchia Sasuke he is the stongest in the group and the soul survior of his clans massacure."
"Oh... no." Along with Hurano and Uchia, a smaller creature that looked vaguely electrified appeared. "More minis, and what is that?"
"If the Words read true, you have discovered Kyubi's chackra," Ryni said, marking it down.
Some more talk and the creation of the "senin" later, the 'Sue left. The agents, of course, followed, with a horde of minis trailing behind.
"What happens next?" Tirsaer asked as the 'Sue encountered and traumatized Team 8.
"Running away from her Lust Object's scent, she spends the midnight hours alone before heading off to find and discover Team 7," Ryni reported, scanning the Words.
"So we can skip it, then?"
"Aye, that would be prudent and wise," Ryni acknowledged, opening a portal and stepping through. The minis jumped after, with Tirsaer bringing up the rear.
They arrived in an undescribed area of the forest as the 'Sue jumped down from a tree, startling Team 7. Ninja-in-training that he was, Naruto threw a kunai at her—which she predictably caught and threw back.
"Oh, that was polite," Tirsaer muttered.
Failing to convince the Genin that she was their new teammate, the 'Sue called for a Chuunin to tell them. Uchia the mini-Kyuubi almost went insane from the number of times its name was called.
"Nothing happens for a while. Let's portal."
"Aye. But where to? For all that happens next is that our doomed 'Sue threatens Kabuto before he joins up with the team, and then the next chapter begins. Shall we skip further ahead?"
They arrived to find another mini by the name if Sasaukes waiting and just in time to see the 'Sue take credit for giving Naruto his plan to defeat the attacking ninjas. Ryni snarled.
"Tagging along behind, gaining glory with minor interference—that is one thing. But to actively make others less in order to steal their due rights? That is unforgivable."
After defeating the attackers, the group finally made it to the center of the forest. Leaving Kabuto with his own team, they went inside the tower and met Iruka. Iruka, of course, recognized the 'Sue.
"Amai, what are you doing here?" He asked still with the dazed look on his face.
"Sarutobi placed me on their team and allowed me to enter the chunnin exams" I say avoiding the actual question which had been what are you doing in the forest of death. I had dissaperead 13 years ago from the leaf village and no one beside the Hokage and the chunnin who ran the exam knew I was here. I prefered to keep my whereabouts quiet.
"This girl is getting really annoying," Tirsaer whined.
Then it happened. After accidentally letting the Genin discover that she was older than she looked, she did something that to Ryni was completely and utterly unforgivable.
I turn and look into each of their eyes. I entered their minds, Care fully avoiding their memories exept the on I was looking for, the memory of that conversation and replace it with one that I made up. When I pulled out of their minds they all have a dazzed look and would clearly be dead to the world for a few minutes.
'What did you do to them?" asked Iruke working himself into a state of panic.
"Something unnecessary and unneeded, something she will never do again," a strange voice replied, and then a thin rope slipped around the 'Sue's neck.
"So my enemies havew found me?" The 'Sue sounded surprised and furious, although she made little effort to escape—probably assuming that it would be more dramatic to kill her attacker while at a disadvantage. Or something equally ridiculous.
"Such could be said, if so desired," came the response. Iruka and Team 7 simply stood watching, eyes glazed and unmoving.
"Yuo thinkg you can hold me with this?" the 'Sue demanded, bringing her hands up to her throat. The cord tightened, and then her hands were forced down behind her and bound.
"Well, yes. Especially seeing as Ryni there doesn't make her garrotes from regular rope or wire." Tirsaer stepped into sight, holding the notebook in one hand and the stake he'd made earlier in the other. Iruke the mini-Kyuubi stared at him, then trotted off to where the other minis were gathered. "Don't ask me where she gets those Gleipnir-imitation ribbons, either. But if Fenrir couldn't break free, you won't, either."
"Who are you? Did orochimaru send you" The 'Sue twisted, but the more she struggled, the more the rope bit into her neck. Eventually she stopped breathing, although that didn't stop her from glaring furiously at the grinning necromancer.
"Hardly. Now kindly shut up while I give you the summarized charge list. By the way, Ryni, you write too much." He looked down at the notebook and cleared his throat. "Zetsumei Amai, you are hereby charged with pretentious disclaimers, inserting pointless and overlong song lyrics, forcing an agent of the PPC to listen to the singing of her partner (Ryni!), misspelling almost every word written, lack of logic, defiance of physical impossibilities, creation of the mini Garra, creation of the mini shakaku, lack of proper punctuation, having more chakra than Shukaku, creation of the mini Temarie, creation of the mini Kunkuro, causing paranoia in an agent of the PPC, depriving agents of an easy kill, addressing the Hokage by name, creation of the mini snad genin, creation of the mini Sarutovi, creation of the mini Kohana, pointless adding onto teams, creation of the mini Hurano, creation of the mini Uchia, creation of Kyubi's chackra, creation of the senin, rudeness, taking advantage of Chuunin, creation of the mini Sasaukes, creation of the mini Iruke, messing with the minds of canons, lots of inconsistencies throughout the story, being a Mary Sue, the inability to spell or punctuate, and really, really annoying the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We probably missed some, but I was too busy being eaten by your fuzzy creations to notice and Ryni was too busy ignoring me to really care. Not that it really matters anyway, as we have plenty enough charges to kill you right now. Which we will. Ryni?"
"The mind is sacred," a voice hissed in the 'Sue's ear. "Untouchable. I will readily and truthfully admit that there are times when interference is sadly necessary and required, in which case action must be swiftly, if regretfully, taken. However, what you just did was not needed. Words and lies and layers of meaning can be woven with the tongue, and invasion of the mind and memory should be the last recourse, not the first. For your disrespect of the self-aware psyche, you will die."
"Well, yeah. What she said." Tirsaer coughed. "Actually, I just want to get out of here before you create more little demons to attack me. But hey, maybe you understood all that. So, any last words?"
"You canot destroy me" the 'Sue spat. "i am immortal and Garra will love me because I understand him and I will destry you for touching me. Do you thik you humans ccan kill me?"
"Uh, yes?" Dropping the notebook to the ground, Tirsaer drew his swab and stepped forward. He swung, and the 'Sue's head fell to the ground, where it dissolved into red glitter. As the wooden stake entered her heart, the body did the same.
Ryni jerked back, disgust showing in every line of her face. "Must such a mess be left?"
"Can't be helped." Tirsaer stared at the remnants of the 'Sue, shaking his head. The glitter was already fading from existence, and the surroundings were gaining color and solidity as canon reasserted itself. "Still, at least we don't have to worry about body disposal now. Hey, look, I have a shadow!"
"So much amusement over such a minor detail." Ryni finished coiling her cord and pulled out the remote activator. "Shall we be off?"
"Yeah, probably should." Tirsaer watched happily as the canons restarted their interrupted story, then suddenly froze. "Garra!"
"I do not—" Ryni began, but Tirsaer was already gone.
Sighing, she looked around at the assorted minis surrounding her. "Your fate is uncertain," she informed them. "Yet you shall find it soon, be it in the gray halls of Headquarters or the classrooms of an Official Fanfiction University or on the arm of a fangirl."
The minis didn't say anything. They usually didn't.
Shortly Tirsaer returned, clutching the final mini to his chest and muttering under his breath. "Found him," he announced, dumping the mini-Kyuubi to the floor. Garra snarled, then walked a little away to sulk. "The real Gaara's there, too, getting briefed on the final exam. Apparently once the 'Sue died, Garra became a normal mini. Or something."
"And now we may depart." A portal opened, and they stepped through, into the relative safety of RC #5719.
"Hey—what are these doing here?" Tirsaer demanded, horrified. Around his feet sat the various minis collected, looking rather pleased with themselves.
Ryni shrugged. "When we entered through the portal, they followed close behind."
"I know that. It's kind of obvious. But what are we going to do with—GAAH! THAT'S MY BED!"
Shaking her head at the excitability of her partner, Ryni removed her backpack and went to help him chase the minis away from his personal belongings. At least until the console made an odd noise.
"I must apologize, but it seems I must be off." Glancing at the screen, Ryni opened the door and stepped outside. "It seems a package awaits me at Postal."
"W-wait a minute. You're leaving me here with these things?" Tirsaer rushed to the door. "Hold on! Don't go! Ryni? Ryni!"
Behind him, he could have sworn he heard Garra chuckle.
* * *
[Tirsaer's A/N – Nasty mission, glad it's over. Anyone want a mini-Kyuubi? Anyone? No charge! Please!]
[Ryni's A/N – Disturb me not, for I must be gone. Yet I will return in time....]