Redfire was peeved. “That’s it! I’m never going out on field trips! Never, ever, ever! And I’m never, ever, ever going to write fanfiction again! No Crossovers, no fluff, no yummy Draco—”

“Redfire, I don’t think that’s—” Ally began, running out of the fireplace after her friend and making for the grand staircase. Surprisingly enough, Ally could understand Redfire’s bad move. Glorfindel (not Goilfingel, she reminded herself) had suggested using a fangirl to bait Peeves into coming back so that he could be captured and returned to HFA.

Redfire had been very unlucky to be the bait. That coupled with the mad werewolf chasing the students was enough to try anyone’s patience. In fact, many of the Remus-lusters were questioning their lust-object commitment. Stephanie Brown had already converted to Tom Riddle-worship.

“—I’ve had enough! This is not worth it, and I definitely don’t want to think about what would have happened if Dark One Shadowphyre hadn’t transformed into a cage—”

“Redfire! If they hear you—” Ally was also aware of the new “no ranting in the hallways” rule. Only yesterday Jocelyn had complained about the lack of Book Five. Which is not a wise thing to do, as the Headmistress was known to be touchy on that subject.

“—and if Harry and Draco hadn’t stunned Lupin—”

“Uh, Redfire... I don’t think you should be ranting in the hallway...”

“—and what’s-’is-snout, Carcharoth hadn’t driven Lupin into the grate—” There was a heavy sort of thud. Redfire had walked directly into Lucius Malfoy. And that is not a favorable first impression, especially when one is hoping to become married to said person’s son. “Oh. Oh.”

If there is one thing Lucius Malfoy does not like, it is a whiner. He was therefore not pleased to find two fangirls complaining about their sorry state of existence in the hallways, not looking where they were going, and bumping into innocent Death Eaters who were minding their own business.

It was this that prompted the conjuring of live, angry wolverines from the said Death Eater’s wand.

*********

Evenings in Aerobics Lair... Very peaceful, if you didn’t mind the blood feuds which seemed to be on the brink of escalating into full-out violence. Meir Brin sat in the Whinging Scab, the HFA pub, clutching her tankard of Butterbeer happily. She agreed most definitely with Miss Cam: the Crossover Experiment had been successful.

Well, except for the Peeves incident. But that was nothing a good tranquilizer gun hadn’t been able to fix, right? Meir Brin smiled and cast her gaze over the length of the Whinging Scab, to see what the Canon Characters were up to.

At a small table across the room, Ron Weasley and Lord Voldemort Senior were playing chess. It was also fairly apparent the Lord Voldemort was not winning.

“Knight to B7,” said Ron, watching Voldemort’s bishop burst into smithereens.

“You cheat! You so cheat! Knights can’t jump over pawns!” cried the Dark Lord angrily, banging his mug of unicorn blood on the table.

“Actually,” said Hermione, coming to sit down next to Ron, “they can. Knights are the only pieces on the board that can move through the other chess pieces. Rather convenient, don’t you think?” she said, opening her embossed and illuminated copy of Hogwarts: A History.

“No! No, no, no! You’re cheating, too!” said Lord Voldemort angrily, moving to cast an Unforgivable Curse on the students. Dark Lords are touchy when they can’t get their way. Fortunately, the incident was averted by the intervention of one Ludo Bagman.

“Ooo! Ooo! I make four! We have enough people for Go Fish!” said Bagman’s happy voice, dropping a pack of playing cards onto the chessboard, and subsequently messing up the entire game.

“I’m not going to play with Him again,” said Ron, getting up. “He’s a sore loser.”

“Him who?” asked Ludo eagerly.

“Lord Vold... Harry!” Ron yelled, his face going white.

“That’s good, Ron. You’ve got one syllable out today. Only two more to go, and the name will have no power over you. ‘Vold-e-mort’. Come on, say it...” coaxed Harry, walking away from the Dark Lord with his friend.

“Vvvv...”

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named smirked. “I’m still the darkest Dark Lord here! They can’t say my name! They fear me! Fear...”

“Actually,” said Hermione once again, looking up from her book, “I don’t think it’s fear, more that they can’t pronounce it. I mean, you could have chosen a name that would be easier to say, such as ‘Lord Reallybad’ or ‘Lord Gunnakillyu’. Your current title is rather tongue-tying.”

“I try, you know! You can only spell only so many words with ‘Marvolo’!” Voldemort whined.

Meir Brin chuckled and returned to her paperwork. “Magical Heredity and You” was set to start up soon, or at least as soon as Remus Lupin was human again. As they were hoping to import a full-blooded Giantess to aide with the demonstrations, there were many Customs papers to be filled out first.

“GO FISH!” yelled Lord Voldemort triumphantly. “Go fish! Go fish!” he called happily, jumping up and doing the Voldemort Happy Dance. Anyone who has ever seen a Peanuts comic in which Snoopy does his “Suppertime” dance would have recognized the Dark Lord’s prancing.

Who would have thought? Lord Voldemort, a closet Snoopy fan.

Meanwhile, in a quiet corner of the pub, Molly Weasley and Dobby were knitting a “Thou Shalt Not Glomp” banner. Lily Potter was also there, along with Albus Dumbledore, who were both being given knitting lessons from Molly Weasley. Albus Dumbledore appeared to be having the time of his life.

Peter Pettigrew was sitting in the corner, surrounded by a group of lovey fangirls. Meir Brin found this more than unusual, because there were no Pettigrew-lusters at HFA. (Actually, she doubted that there were any Pettigrew-lusters in the world.)

It was then that Meir Brin had discovered the cologne that Pettigrew had found, something called “Loveratus.”

Peter had confided to her about the stuff, and presumed it to be another FCS (fan-created spell). It seemed that the Ironic Over-power had translated “Loveratus” as “Love Rattus rattus,” “Rattus rattus” being, of course, the scientific term for “rat.”

Thus Peter Pettigrew now had several new lusters. If you looked really closely at the fangirls, namely San Carpenter the Insane and Agent AAA of Wantingmor, you could see the horror in their eyes. But Meir Brin wouldn’t interfere. It was too much fun to watch.

Time crawled by, further into the evening. Classes again tomorrow, so several of the Canon Characters were turning in early. Meir Brin was just leaving when an almighty yell rent the air.

“GO FISH, You-Know-You!” cried Ludo Bagman.

Followed by an almighty wail:

“Why do I never wiiiiiinnnnnnn?”