Madam Hooch pointed at the chart posted to the wall and smiled grimly. “A bit of a shame, really. If Lupin’s forward had managed to guard the offensive’s left flank he might have beat Potter. Still, I suppose you can’t blame the Mini-Aragog if his coach was gibbering under the table all throughout the match.”

Meir Brin nodded, smiling at the memory of yesterday’s paintball match. True, the actual game hadn’t been anything to write home about, but the aftermath had been very enjoyable. She sighed in a contented manner. So many students to punish, so little time. Neshomeh, Rhiannon, and Kristin had been given the task of scrubbing the Quidditch pitch free of Tantaflaf after they had tried to use their wands to Banish Ulric and Zambini the Mini-Aragogs from the Wantingmor Common Room.

“... So, we have one more game before the semi-finals roll around. I certainly hope Trelawney has been training those Minis of hers, instead of trying to ‘fuse their inner being with spiritual whimsy’, as Minerva so sarcastically puts it,” continued Hooch, checking the next competitors.

Meir Brin snapped out of her reverie. “Yes, of course.” She looked at the chart. “Actually, I think Trelawney’s been training her name-mistakes in the Textitus Rock Garden. I saw Trawleny bench-pressing a ‘gr8t’ just yesterday.”

Madam Hooch chuckled grimly. “And did you see Amber trying to hot-wire one of the paintball-blasters yesterday? Ever since those fanwriters received wands they seem to believe themselves invincible.”

The coordinator tapped her lip thoughtfully. “No, I didn’t. I will add her to my ‘To Punish’ list. Seems to be getting longer everyday. I have Lyssie St. Cloud down for some Mini-Aragog grooming, and after that some of the Slasherings are due to make Severus a new cauldron from Selaria. He was most displeased when C-Chan tried to give him a bath in his old one.”

“C-Chan? She’s the one that’s only yea big?” asked the flying coach, holding her hands about a foot apart.

“Yes, Crabbe and Goyle interpreted ‘Faerie’ as ‘Pixie’, I think.” Meir Brin smiled. “They really do quite a good job with the HFA Customs. I have never seen the students look so downtrodden than when those two mess up their luxury items.”

Hooch laughed brazenly, startling Loopen, who was still recovering under the table from his four consecutive Tantaflaf hits. Harry Potter had truly trounced Remus’ Mini-Aragogs. Madam Hooch grinned again and said: “And their wands! Have they even begun to suspect...?”

Meir Brin laughed outright. “They have no idea.”

*********

Ally walked into Fundamentals of Fluff holding her new wand happily. Eleven inches, unicorn hair, and willow wood. Perfect. She took her seat in the middle of the room. (Only the insane ones sat up front, they were more likely to be Volunteered as demonstrators up there.) As this was their first class of the new semester, Ally was very eager to begin.

It was strange, Ally thought, that this little stick on the table in front of her gave her such confidence. Of course, she hadn’t been able to actually work a spell yet, just some blue sparks. It was a good feeling, though, that she at least had a bit of protection if the Canon Characters gave them field study in the Forbidden Forest.

The door opened once again and the Wantingmors filed into the room, taking seats in the back. San Carpenter the Insane waved happily to her and pointed to her wand. As she had said “I have know idea” as wand measurements when filling out the enrollment form, it had taken on the appearance of a rather fuzzy worm. San had even claimed that it had moved once.

“Settle down, everyone,” said a voice from the head of the room. Ally whipped her head around, wondering who it was. No one was ever quite sure who was teaching the classes until they arrived there themselves, so Ally was very anxious to see if their lecturer was Harry Potter.

Right church wrong pew. Lily Potter walked up to the podium, followed by James. A couple seats up, Europa wondered to Nathonea Dewstan if they were starting with Marauder-Era fics.

Lily smiled, though there was a hard look in her green eyes. Ally had the impression that Lily knew exactly what they had done to her and her husband in their stories, and wouldn’t be forgetting it anytime soon. “No, Miss Europa, we are not here to lecture about our romance at Hogwarts.”

“Though we would like to make it clear that we did not start ‘making out’ as first-years,” James put in, resting a hand on Lily’s shoulder.

“Goodness no! We would have been only eleven then, wouldn’t we?” she asked James, not taking her eyes off of several Lusterbuffs.

James nodded, and looked over his glasses at the fanwriters. When they were squirming sufficiently in their seats, he let up his gaze. “Where are the others? I would have thought them here by now?” asked Prongs, glancing at his watch.

The side-door suddenly burst open, and a female voice called “Just a minute! Someone’s being—difficult!” Ally and the rest of the fanwriters leaned to their left to see who was coming. Newmoon was bouncing in her seat chanting “Fawkes, Fawkes, Fawkes, Fawkes...”

“I’m not teaching it! He can take care of himself, he doesn’t need my interference!” came a male voice, protesting and—by the sound of it—digging his fingernails into the stone wall.

“You remember those stories that involved him and my—” argued the female voice.

“ALL RIGHT.”

James Potter turned to Lily bemusedly and raised an eyebrow. Lily shrugged and leaned on the podium, giving KazraGirl a hard look. There was a series of loud thumping noises that seemed to grow in volume, and then Lucius Malfoy strode into the room, banging his psychological cane on the floor. After him hurried Molly Weasley, prodding him in the back with a frying pan in case he had second thoughts.

Sallah stood up in shock. “You mean, we’re going to be taught romance from the lovers’ mothers?!”

“And fathers,” added James and Lucius simultaneously.

Lucius smiled nastily and looked her square in the eyes. “Unless you have a problem with that?”

Sallah gulped and sat down.

“Now,” began Lily Potter. “How many of you have written romance about our children?” About three quarters of the class raised hands, though some did so tentatively, as if expecting an axe to sweep above the classroom and chop all of their hands off.

“How lovely,” said Molly Weasley, her grin becoming fixed.

“Now, we have compiled a list of the pairings that we see most often,” continued Lily, pulling out a list. “Harry and Hermione, Ron and Hermione, Draco and Hermione, Ginny and Hermione—”

Molly Weasley ground her teeth in a threatening manner and pulled a skein of yarn from her pocket, as if threatening to garrote anyone who dared write such about her daughter.

“My, my son?! With a Mudblood?!” screeched Lucius. Lily gave him a death stare, which the Death Eater matched. (That’s the thing about being a Death Eater, Ally thought. You give very good Death Stares.) Lucius growled. James punched him in the gut.

“Don’t even think about my wife that way,” rumbled James.

Lily cleared her throat, and continued. “Harry and Ginny, Draco and Ginny—Molly, kindly put those knives away—Harry and Draco—Lucius, what did James tell you?—Harry and Ron, and Draco and Ron. In other words, take these five children and mix-and-match in whatever way you see fit. Lucius, it’s your turn,” said Lily, putting the list away.

Lucius stomped up to the lectern and narrowed his eyes, as if what he was about to say caused him great pain. “Unfortunately,” he paused and drew a labored breath, “we cannot stop you from writing this.”

At this announcement, the Lusterbuffs and several of the Slasherings stood up and clapped. Mercuria Stardust was jumping up and down, yelling “Yes! Yes! It’s okay! I knew it!” while Antigra slumped in her chair sullenly.

“But,” said Lucius Malfoy, his cold eyes glittering. “We can be very... persuasive... if need be.” He pulled his wand from the psychologically manifested cane and held it in his hands against the podium. “Just because our Canon is incomplete—”

Kellie Owens raised a hand uncertainly. “Uh, what is Canon?”

Molly Weasley cocked her head to the side in a disbelieving manner. “You mean you’ve been at HFA for half of a year and still do not know what Canon is?”

“Meep,” said Kellie, sinking into her chair so far that only her eyes peeked out over the desk.

“Canon is our story,” said James Potter, spreading his arms dramatically. “Canon is the rules by which we live, the books, the plotlines, the story. Canon is what makes us, protects us, and what as a fanwriter you must respect. Our Canon maintains us, and holds our world together. Now, if our Canon was to be broken—”

“Such as by Badfic, or those Vambiolatos, the, what do you call them again?” asked Lily.

“Mary Sues,” supplied Molly Weasley.

“Mary Sues,” repeated Lily.

“We would all be cast adrift, characters without a story, you see. And that is why we must educate you,” concluded James. “So that you do not break our Canon with your Badfic.”

Lucius waved a hand impatiently, and James Potter took a step back politely. “In any case, since our Canon is incomplete, we cannot prevent these tales. We ourselves could be entirely different in the next installment.”

Lily nodded. “I’m underdeveloped myself.”

“Now, for our first lesson,” said Molly Weasley, stepping forward to the podium, “let us discuss ‘Ginny/Draco’, as I am told you put these ‘pairings’.”

“I do not like ‘Ginny/Draco’,” said Lucius Malfoy menacingly. “But... we cannot stop this, so we will try for plausibility.”

“My daughter, Ginny, is not some sort of scarlet woman. She must know that Draco will be a good boyfriend before ever going on a date with him.” Molly Weasley stared beadily at Lucius, and it was plain to Ally that Mrs. Weasley doubted that any Malfoy could do any such thing. “The first step to romance is to know your characters, their attitudes, and their behaviors. We will begin with my little girl. Now, Lily will lead us in diagramming the character of Ginny Weasley...”

And thus the fanwriters spent the next hour copying notes on Ginny/Draco, never daring to look up, as Lucius was pacing the room in a manner that suggested that he was looking for victims. Ally felt her hand cramp up as she began writing on how Ginny and Draco viewed each other at the present, and how those views might be compromised. A lull settled over the fanwriters, with only the scratching of a quill and the sound of Lily’s voice filling the classroom.

This is really boring, thought Ally. Where’s the steamy romance? I wish something would happen.

Coincidentally, something did happen at that moment. Sallah, Chibigreen, C-Chan, and Mercuria Stardust (all from Slashering) jumped to their feet and pointed their wands each at a different teacher. “Imperio!” they all shouted together. “Your sons are lesbians! Teach us slash!”

The whole of Lusterbuff house got to their feet in protest. But it was pointless. The four parents were laughing heartily, not the least bit affected. Lucius was laughing so hard on James’ shoulder that tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“First of all—snort—you—you—think it’s that easy to—hahahaha—Imperio someone? Not to mention—heeheehee!—us?!” laughed Lucius Malfoy, slapping his leg and sniggering insanely.

The four Slasherings looked stunned, and glanced at their wands. They shook them, and a couple sparks fell out.

“Haven’t you even noticed that your wands are only sticks? Charmed only to emit sparks? That they don’t even work?” chuckled James Potter.

A collective cry went up from the fanwriters. Ally felt tears come to her eyes, and Onyx was wailing at the top of her lungs. How would they pass their classes without protection? Would they even survive that long?

Ally moaned mentally. I need an aspirin...