Meir Brin looked at the Do It Yourself: Exorcism book, and tried to follow the complex hand movements dictated by the author. It was not working.

Klose glanced at the pictures and tried to copy the same intricate gesture. “Is this the only way to get a Slash Spirit out of someone? Isn’t there a Kuswort-type plant for this sort of thing?”

Meir Brin shook her head and tried the movement again. “The power of Rowling compels thee!”

James Potter shook his head blearily as Lily Potter and the rest of the Marauders looked on apprehensively. “I’m telling you...” coughed James. “I love... Sirius...”

Remus patted Lily on the back awkwardly. “We’ll sort this out; it won’t take long.”

Klose paced the width of the Owlery, her hand twitching. “Cannot we simply call the PPC? They know how to deal with this properly.”

“If we could, I would,” answered Meir Brin. “Rhiannon stole the Pensive in order to try and get pictures of Remus for her scrapbook”—Remus blushed and scuffed his foot on the ground—“and without that our communication is limited to plothole jumping and Foo Powder. Plothole jumping is too sporadic, but Foo Powder... might work.”

Lily straightened her back, tears visible at the corner of her eyes. “I will go. I don’t care that it dropped Professor Flitwick in Africa yesterday. I’ll try anything, to get this, this... thing out of my husband!”

Klose stepped forward. “I will go as well. Come, I think the grate in Aerobics Lair will be big enough.”

The two women left the Owlery, and Meir Brin sat down on one of the window ledges. “I just do not understand it. It’s as if the whole continuum is breaking up. First the Mini-Aragogs disappear, now there are Slash Spirits roaming around unchecked. I knew that HFA was very tightly knit with the Fanfiction Realities, but this is just... ridiculous...”

Sirius Black looked up from filing his fingernails on the wall. “You don’t think it was a student, then?”

“No, I don’t. They don’t have the power, or the skill to do something like this. The fanfiction stories must be pressing down on the Harry Potter Continuum. Someone wrote a Bad!Slash story, and the Spirit of that story must have traveled here. The lines between the dimensions are thinning...”

“Like Peter’s hair,” commented Sirius Black.

“Yes, just like Peter’s hair.”

*********

“Now, have we all finished our papers on ‘Harry, Concerning Ginny: Protector or Big Brother Figure’? Good. Pass them forward,” said Molly Weasley, standing in front of the desk and holding her knitting needles menacingly.

Ally dug the paper out of her book bag and passed it to Alex, who was sitting at the desk in front of hers. Rumors had been circulating at HFA that today would be the long-awaited “Harry Potter and Slash” lecture, which had put all of the Slasherings in such a buzz that Meir Brin had had to remove all of their caffeine privileges.

The group of lecturers at the front of the theater was a lot smaller than before. The elder Potters were missing, and Arthur Weasley was also absent, apparently from prolonged experimentation on the subject of “What will happen if we put plugs in a vat of lobsters?” Instead, Amos Diggory and Barty Crouch Senior, both of whom were a little apprehensive of the formidable Mrs. Weasley, had joined the staff of Fundamentals of Fluff.

“Today we begin a new... area... of romance writing. I am sure that you all know what I am talking about...” started Mrs. Weasley, cracking her knuckles in a way that suggested that she was about to start snapping necks the way that she shelled peas: with brisk, precise movements.

Lucius strode to the front of the classroom, where Sallah and GwendolynMorgan were being the models of attentive students. “Today, ‘Fundamentals of Fluff’ will begin its study of slash.”

The quill that Mr. Crouch had been holding snapped in two. The room was silent.

“As was said in previous classes, slash is not something that can be stopped in our fandom. The Canon is incomplete”—somewhere a dog barked, a foghorn sounded, and a minor chord was played on a musical saw—“and as our story takes place in a setting similar to your Real Life, we cannot say for certain that some people in this fandom are not homosexual,” continued Mr. Malfoy. His voice was barely a whisper, yet Ally could pick out the level-o-menace rising in his voice.

C-Chan and Mercuria Stardust smiled in a devilish sort of way, and Ally could almost see the slashy plotbunnies latching onto their legs.

“However,” said Molly Weasley stridently, “just because we cannot prevent your sick little minds from doing whatever you want with our children’s images, does not mean we cannot demand certain things from you as authors.” Mrs. Weasley then picked up her frying pan and banged it on C-Chan’s desk. “Everyone up! We’re going outside for a practical lesson!”

Ally got to her feet slowly, almost dreading to wonder what was in store for the fanwriters. Well, the Mini-Aragogs were gone, so at least it wouldn’t involve “fanwriter yo-yo.” But was that a good thing, or a bad thing?

The class was herded down to the edge of the lake, which despite the calendar showing May felt like early March. Ally pulled her light blue cloak more tightly around her shoulders, and huddled with the rest of her class as Amos Diggory brought out some rather interesting implements.

A small platform had been erected over a portion of the lake, hovering about five feet above the water. As the four Canon Characters approached it, a small set of stairs unfolded and allowed them to climb up. “Now, today we play a little game, entitled ‘Who Wants to be Licensed to Write Slash?’” said Molly Weasley, brandishing her wand. “Move into your House groups and we will give you a true or false statement. If you answer a question incorrectly, the Giant Squid will be taking you on a lovely tour at the bottom of the lake.”

Out of the depths of the water, a huge tentacle arose. Like a giant serpent, it slithered out around the mass of fanwriters, enclosing them in a sort of paddock.

“Statement one,” said Mr. Crouch, picking up a card from a stack of about fifty. “Draco and Harry would make a great couple because in the Canon, they secretly want to be best friends. Answer, Catrin Pritchard, Stephanie Brown, Onyx, and Chibigreen.”

Ally watched as the four fanwriters in question produced a variety of “yes/no” answers. Chibigreen stalled for about a minute, until Lucius Malfoy gave the “thumbs down” sign and the Giant Squid snaked a tentacle around her foot and dragged her into the freezing water.

“The answer is false. Canonically, Draco and Harry hate each other,” said Mr. Crouch. “Pair them up and I hope you’ve found a way around this little fact.”

“Statement two,” said Mrs. Weasley. “There is no such thing as a platonic hug. Answer, Riona, Molly W, Mirild Sket, and Rex Natos.”

Riona and Molly W shouted “False!” right away, but Mirild Sket appeared as if she had just had a long night of staring into the Basilisk’s eyes and was pulled into the lake as well. Rex Natos looked up from trying to set the hem of Alex’s robe on fire with the Incendio charm, and asked what “platonic” meant. He too was pulled into the lake.

“The answer is false; of course hugs can be platonic. You don’t have romantic interest in your parents, I hope,” said Mrs. Weasley, putting her hands on her hips and causing some of the fanwriters a bit of chagrin.

Suddenly, Redfire elbowed her friend and pointed at Lucius Malfoy, giggling. Looking up, Ally saw that the Giant Squid was giving the elder Malfoy a rather unique pair of bunny ears.

“Statement three,” started Amos Diggory. “If an author makes a character change orientation, then he or she has the right to rewrite that character’s entire personality. Answer, Dimond, Shroom, Penelope Ross, and Vee.”

Vee and The Shroom started a long description about how making a character gay was an integral part of the character’s entire outlook on life and needed to be reworked into the character’s personality. Dimond started arguing about how you couldn’t change a person’s background and belief system entirely just by making them fall in love with a person of the same gender. Penelope Ross said “false” and went back to polishing her toaster.

“What do you think?” asked Mr. Diggory. “Should we give it to them? They all have valid points.”

Lucius Malfoy nodded. “Yes, I think they have hit the tip of the subject. No matter, though. I enjoy seeing them suffer. After what they have all done to Draco, they deserve it. Into the lake.”

The Giant Squid raised a large brown tentacle and swept the four fanwriters into the water. A couple jolts of electricity escaped from Penelope Ross’ toaster, but was only just enough to tickle the monstrous calamari.

“Statement four,” said Mr. Malfoy, picking up a card. “PWP, or ‘Plot? What plot?’ can serve for an entertaining bit of slashy smut. I want Nasha Potter, Ashura Rowena Dumbledore, Kellie Owens, and Knightsky to answer.”

Nasha Potter yelled “No!” before anything else could happen. Feeling the aura of malice exuding from the platform, the other fanwriters quickly seconded the notion.

“Into the lake, all of them,” said Lucius. “The key word there was entertaining. And there is no limit on what can be... entertaining. I have just read a story about my son and Potter’s ‘Most Excellent Spring Break Adventure’ in Cancun. I found it most... entertaining. It was so... entertaining, that I was overcome with a great deal of hatred for fanwriter-kind. Into the lake!”

“But—”

“Hey!”

“I thought—”

Ally shivered as the four girls were pulled into the water. It wasn’t fair to be playing games like this with the Canon Characters. They always played dirty, and never overlooked an opportunity to give pain, panic, or punishment to (semi-)innocent fanwriters.