Ally had little time to think, let alone prepare herself for the massive earthquake that struck the school. A small dot, no larger than an inkwell, had appeared, hovering over the teachers’ table at the front of the Great Hall. The fanwriters backed toward the doorway, away from the hovering ball, despite Klose’s demands for the fanwriters to stay where they were.

Suddenly a loud, high-pitched noise echoed around the building. Ally stopped her ears, as did the rest of the student body. The dot of light was growing bigger, more solid. The sound bounced off of her eardrums like an elephant off a wickerwork trampoline once more. And then she realized what it was. Giggling.

The point of light now turned an ugly shade of Blello, and seemed to drop out lines like a strawberry plant sending out runners. One of them set down next to Alex. She gasped as the Blello light touched her skin, the fell over in a dead faint.

Then the sounds of many feet started among the fanwriters as they made for the doorway, trampling those who got in their way.

“Thou shalt not glomp!” screamed Meir Brin suddenly. Ally stopped, the old fear reentering her. No glomping, that bad, get punished... said her mind automatically. Around her, the fanwriters appeared to have frozen in mid-step. Ashura Rowena Dumbledore overbalanced and fell over.

“Hold it there; the last thing we need now is for you all to panic and go crazy,” said Dark One Shadowphyre gruffly.

“Well, I’m bloody scared!” said Catrin Pritchard loudly. “Don’t know about you, but I’m getting out of—”

Before a full-scale riot could break out, something even more disastrous happened. The little rivers of Blello broke open, like the curtain parting on some hideous musical, perhaps as it had in The Pirates of Penance. Creatures stood there, large, shadowy shapes with malevolent eyes. From the first Blello orb a voice spoke out, clear and menacing.

“The bird’s dead. You’re ours now.”

Silvery laughter resounded from “backstage.” Ally felt her heart thudding loudly against her throat, and then Riona prodded her hard on the back of her shoulder. The Slashering had her wand drawn, and was pointing to it meaningfully. Ally jumped with a soft “Yeah” and produced her own from inside her pocket.

Out from the terrible rip in reality strode what was unmistakably a Vambiolato. She was tall, with long, bright hair and cerulean eyes. A shimmering green dress clung a little too tightly to her perfect body. Ally had the oddest urge to retch.

Then others filed out, filling in the ranks behind the Mary Sue. Other Vambiolatos, with multi-colored hair and eyes, followed by calm, dark Avatars with merciless eyes. Drifting out over their heads were silvery ghosts that laughed crazily and darted their red eyes back and forth, as if searching for Canon Characters.

“What are those?” whispered Mirild Sket, pointing to the ghosts.

“Slash Demons,” replied Grandmomma Longlegs, whispering quickly. “Spirits of Bad Slash fics that have been turned loose into the fandom. You can tell the difference between a Slash Demon and a Slash Angel by their eyes... If they were brown-eyed they’d be Goodfic spirits. The red eyes mark them as bad... I wonder how Severus is doing...”

“Excuse me, move a bit, thanks...” murmured someone behind Ally, and she was jostled aside as the uncanon staff pushed to the forefront of the crowd.

Just then the glass windows burst apart into tiny shards that fell painfully over the fanwriters. Vambiolatos flew through on broomsticks, carrying wands and exotic pets such as phoenixes, eagles, and baby tigers.

“Take us to the men,” said the head Sue firmly. She tapped her wand expectantly against her palm, and Ally marveled that she didn’t injure herself like Claudia Beth King (she had accidentally set her thumb on fire the same way).

“No,” said Meir Brin, now looking utterly furious. “Get your flouncy Canon-messing friends out of this school.” Klose brandished her cricket bat, and Shadowphyre transformed into a large, panther-like beast.

The Sue grinned happily. “I’ve heard of you lot,” she said, glowing an ethereal shade of pink. “Sparkedeepers!”

Before Ally could say “What the—,” Shadowphyre, Meir Brin, Klose, and Salsa had been thrown backwards and into the back wall of the Great Hall. With a sickening crunch, not unlike bones being broken, the four plummeted and fell.

“Now,” said the Sue pleasantly. “If you take us to our men, we’ll let you watch...”

*********

Meir Brin saw the following events through a haze, feeling as if she had been run over with a steamroller and then succumbed to full-body paralysis. She was vaguely aware of the Sue talking, and groaned inwardly. This was not supposed to happen, this was just cruel. To have been gotten the better of by a Mary Sue... that was a sad comedown for the uncanon staff.

“... let you watch...” said the Sue suggestively, and Meir Brin tried to banish that mental image just as it came. Knowing the fanwriters, this would be the end of HFA.

But then a great, angry roar rose up from the students. She dimly realized that she was hanging over the large crenelation over the door arc, and with some difficulty turned her head to see what was going on.

It... couldn’t be?

The fanwriters were charging again, but this time they were not bolting toward the door. They were charging the Vambiolatos, wands held high with a light of mad fury in their eyes. The little house-elf student, Andtauriel Longwood, latched onto the head Sue’s face and proceeded to claw at her eyes, while Eibbor Nakrus and C-Chan simultaneously set an Avatar alight with the Incendio charm.

A stupid sort of grin crawled over Meir Brin’s face. I’ve underestimated them, again... she thought, trying to climb off of the fretwork.

Newmoon, meanwhile, had rushed a scared half-unicorn Sue and was blasting her repeatedly with the Flipendo jinx. A group of Wantingmors including Rhiannon and Neshomeh had combined forces to dispel a Slash Spirit, a look of retribution on their faces.

Above the sounds of battle (which also included some unfortunate backfired spells; Chibigreen appeared to have Disarmed herself unintentionally) came a voice that caused the coordinator a moment of confusion. A fanwriter with bleached-blonde hair that had long since grown out was standing on one of the tables, her face covered with one hand, as she threw out spells at an Avatar that was bearing down on her with its wand. When the Avatar was stunned for a moment, the Canonlaw screamed out: “Protect the entrance; they’ll never get our guys! For Haaaaarrrryy!”

“For Reeeemmuuusss!”

“Seeevvviiiee-kiiinnnsss!”

“DRAAACCOOOO!”

The tide appeared to be turning, but not for long. As if they had all queued up outside, the Sues, Avatars, and demons were continuing to force their way into HFA. Meir Brin finally managed to wrench herself upward and out of the spell, and then fell off of the crenelation and onto the ground. Screams rose from the battling masses; a downpour of Punctuation had begun.

“We’ll never beat them this way,” said Klose from somewhere near the ground. Meir Brin helped her sit up as Shadowphyre began to twitch and stood up, in human form once again. Hails of periods and exclamation points pelted them on the head, leaving large, red welts.

“Not with just us here,” agreed Shadowphyre, rubbing her wrists and dodging a five–question mark combination. “Come on, let’s at least try, though. Salsa? Are you up yet?”

Salsa shifted painfully and clutched at her stomach. “Don’t feel too good...” Two commas struck her on the head, and she turned away from the group, vomiting.

A conclusion had formed in Meir Brin’s mind, and she pressed her forehead against the wall, urging her head to stop pounding (and being pelted with punctuation at the same time). “Klose is right, though. They outnumber us, and we don’t know how many more are... coming.”

“What do you intend to do about it, then?” asked Shadowphyre, somewhat incredulous.

“Urgh...” gasped a fanwriter as she slammed into the wall behind them, and Meir Brin recognized her as the Canonlaw who had stood on the table, battling an Avatar.

Meir Brin grabbed a small, white box that was tied to her belt, and drew the Switch of Character Banishment simultaneously. “You, take this,” said Meir Brin, throwing the black implement to the Canonlaw fanwriter. “Ally White, isn’t it?”

The girl nodded, and looked as if she was about to wet herself.

“Just keep them away from the Canon Bunker,” said Meir Brin to Shadowphyre. “I’m going to the PPC.”