HFA was a mess. Dueling fanwriters fought side by side with PPC agents against the doom that was renegade fanfiction. Ally had no idea how much time had passed since she had watched the Canon change at midnight, but as sunlight was beginning to enter the Entrance Hall she guessed that it must be nearing six o’clock in the morning. Ally’s stomach growled as she Stunned an Evil Avatar. She wished that she had eaten more for dinner last night.

The great doors were hanging lopsidedly off of their hinges, and it was there that the fiercest fighting was taking place. Agents Raen and Lily Took were there, protecting a group of fanwriters who had been shot down. Among them were Mercuria and FlamingElf, both having been at the wrong end of a rather vicious Sparkly Rainbow hex. A pool of blood surrounded the entity known only as The Scourge, somehow affiliated with the PPC, who had put a lot of the enemies out of action with a ballpoint pen.

A brazen cry rent the air suddenly, and Ally lifted her head from the commotion. Around her, several Vambiolatos covered their ears, shrieking at the horrid sound. Ally was wondering why this was; to her it sounded beautiful. Then several things happened at once. For your convenience, we shall attempt to put them into a sort of order.

Firstly, a great portal similar to the one that had transported the PPC agents to HFA flickered to life, and out came Miss Cam of the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth with a horde of Mini-Balrogs. Accompanying her was GreyLadyBast with Her Ladyship Shelob, the giant spider that had wedded Aragog.

Secondly, another portal of similar nature came to life, and a delegation from what Ally would later learn to be the Official Buffy & Angel Fanfiction University appeared, lead by the formidable Miss H and Rhysdux. Behind this group was a small party of Mini-Lavi from the fanfiction university of Chrono Trigger, with Miss Cerberus at the head.

But the most looked for arrival at that moment came from HFA itself. Fawkes the phoenix burst into the room amidst a puff of flames, singing gloriously to herald the rising sun. Night was passing, and at the top of the staircase stood the Harry Potter Canon Characters like some beautiful mirage that Ally dared not believe to be real.

The battle froze momentarily like something borrowed from the Matrix continuum. A stony silence filled the Entrance Hall.

It was broken by the sound of scraping metallic wheels. Lord Voldemort and Tom Riddle were pushing their siege engine to the forefront of the crowd as LVJ loaded it with Tantaflaf.

A wire was cut, the Tantaflaf flew, and the Voldemort co-op shouted simultaneously: “We’re back!”

*********

The tide had turned. Even the Mary Sues knew it.

This was as good as it got, thought Meir Brin as Elessor and Giligad the Mini-Balrogs double-teamed a Vambiolato. A mass of Tantaflaf fell to the ground with an ominous splat!, crushing four Slash Demons that had been making a beeline for Percy Weasley. Though the huge gashes in reality had yet to close up, fewer and fewer fanfiction renegades were slipping through.

There was a great sound of hissing and sparking, and Meir Brin looked up to see Fred and George sending off the most amusing fireworks at an Evil Avatar who had Dethryl pinned against the wall. A short, flat-faced woman whom Meir Brin assumed was a new Canon Character had five Vambiolatos cornered at wand-point. Harry Potter crept up behind her and dispatched the Sues with an Impediment Jinx, then tripped the woman as she spun around to see who had done it. Meir Brin saw Ron and Hermione laughing at this as Harry ran over to a group of Slash Demons that were menacing Remus Lupin.

The only ones missing from the fray seemed to be the Mini-Aragogs.

Hoping that Architeuthis would find them in one piece, Meir Brin smacked an Evil Avatar that was bearing down on Agent Alec Troven. “Aw, I wanted to eat that,” said Agent Verra, who had the ability to transform into a very large dragon. “No mind, I’ll take that one,” she said as a Vambiolato attempted to curse her.

And then the school echoed with the pitter-patter of little arachnid feet.

“We comes, we comes! With beats of drums, to smitingses the scums! We comes, we comes!” rang through the Entrance Hall.

A feeling of great happiness filled Meir Brin from crown to toe. Mini-Aragogs were swarming across the lawn from a large portal that had been set up midway between the door and the lake. Standing nearby with a “portal thingy” (PPC terminology was a wonderful thing indeed) in her hand was Architeuthis, accompanied by Agent Mel of the Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna.

“Ffffff—click—keekeeeeennn!” screeched the Mini-Aragogs. Pointing their spinnerets skyward, they shot long silvery threads up to the ceiling, and rose up like their infamous student yo-yos on the reverse throw.

“What are they doing?” asked Neville Longbottom, hexing a Slash Demon that was trying to sneak up on him.

“Urgh, tell me when it’s over,” said Ron Weasley, looking away. He was possibly the only Canon Character who was less than fond of the miniature spiders.

But Meir Brin had a good idea of what the Mini-Aragogs were up to. Sure enough, once Bernon and Okliver were close enough to a rip in reality, they spun another thread around the tiny edge, creating a sort of catwalk from gash to gash. Then Dobbie and Werasley the Mini-Aragogs started to stitch the slice back together just as Mrs. Weasley and Dobby the house-elf had with their knitting needles so long ago.

A Vambiolato tried to escape from the slice that was quickly vanishing beneath layers of spiderweb. Unfortunately for her, Parfait and Podme caught her in their pincers and started to toss the Sue up and down like a grotesque game of Hot Potato. Then the rip in reality was sewn together like a fly within a web, and as Werasley finished off its thread the cocoon disappeared completely, signaling that the hole had closed up as well. With a satisfied click of his pincers, Dobbie moved on to the next cut, where McGongall and Petegrew were halfway done.

On the ground, the HFA Canon Characters, fanwriters, Mini-Balrogs, Official Fanfiction University delegations, and PPC agents were finishing off the last of the fanfiction renegades. Dimond and Agent Nath closed in on an Evil Avatar, and with a couple cries of “Expelliarmus!” and a loud twang! from Nath’s bow, it was gone. There was a sound like a huge zipper being, well, zipped, and the last of the rips in reality disappeared.

“Is it... over?” asked Newmoon, leaning heavily against the Mary Sue statue. “They’re all gone?”

“So it would seem,” said Miss Cam of OFUM briskly. “Though I must inquire about where the Mini-Aragogs have been all this time.”

“You’d never guess in a million years,” said Agent Mel, coming into the castle with Architeuthis. “We were going through scans and scans of the Lord of the Rings fandom, thinking that Mirkwood was where they might have gone.”

“But there was nothing there,” continued Architeuthis, “so we widened the scan to include all fandoms that have a history of sentient spiders in their Canon. Still nothing.”

Lockheart, Meir Brin’s Mini-Aragog, dropped down on a glossy thread to hang level with the two PPC agents. “Brum, be-diddly bump bump! Brum, bidilly ump, ump! Bump, bump, boomses!” he hummed.

Something jogged in Meir Brin’s memory. “That was the sound we heard when you lot vanished! What is—”

Architeuthis smiled and pulled a small recording device from her pocket. “It’s the theme song to the show that we tracked them to. Listen to this.” The Intelligence agent clicked a button on the machine, and a chorus of children’s voices started to sing:

“Bob the Builder! Can—he—fix—it? Yes, he can!”

Lockheart angled his pincers in the Mini-Aragog version of a smile. “Brum, be-diddly bump bump! Brum, bidilly ump, ump! Bump, bump, boomses! Bobs, the builderses! Cans heses fixs its? Yesh hes canses!”

Meir Brin nearly choked. “What kind of fanfiction would link Potterverse to Bob the Builder?! Sesame Street or Blue’s Clues, maybe, I could see someone writing that as a joke, but Bob the Builder?!”

“We’ll have to keep an eye out for that story,” said Architeuthis, looking amused.

“Bob the Builder indeed...” grumbled Meir Brin, walking through the rubble that had once been the intricate and beautiful fretwork of Hogwarts’ Entrance Hall. Due to the very nature of the Vambiolato and Evil Avatar, no corpses remained, just the acrid stench of burnt hairspray.

“Meir Brin!” said Lily Potter, walking up arm-in-arm with James. “You’ll never guess what happens in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! I had some screen, er, page time! In a flashback sort of—what’s wrong?”

For Meir Brin had jammed her fingers into her ears and was humming at the top of her lungs. She broke off to say: “No, don’t spoil it! I want to read it first!”

A great wail rose up from the conscious fanwriters. “When do we get to read it?” cried Onyx and Smego Baggins. “I’ve got to know if Remus is all right!” added Stephanie Brown.

“I’m—mmph,” began Lupin, but a woman with pink hair clamped her hand over his mouth before he could finish. “Don’t ruin it, Remus!” she said.

“We’ve got to know what happens!” shouted the Slasherings simultaneously. “Who’s with who?”

“Well,” said Agent *Katrina*, who somehow managed to pronounce her name with additional punctuation, “you might have a look at the load of books that just appeared near the Whomping Willow.”

And for the first time in the history of HFA, Meir Brin partook in a stampede along with the fanwriters.