DISCLAIMERS:

The original PPC series was created by the great Jay and Acacia, and they and authors of various spin-offs own their respective creations.  I own Lambda, The Poison Ivy and my little office with all the linguistic materials amassed.  You can gain access to them by e-mailing me.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

This visits the fic “A Choice to Make” by Bailey A. Flitwood

The Author of the fic visited received a honest warning that her story is incompatible with Tolkien’s Elves and she replied that she doesn’t want to work on it.  She was nice and polite, but there is a healthy difference between an author and her story.  Therefore, while liking the author, I will still mercilessly destroy the story.

Two-in-One Character Analysis Device is a new, experimental model created by Makes-Things specifically for PPC:SIELU, it analyses both canon and original characters.

Thanks to Neshomeh for betaing.

PPC Headquarters building is notoriously hard to navigate.  You never know what will meet you around the corner.  One beautiful or not so beautiful day a bright pink door with large sheet of paper with “PPC :: SIELU.  Not sure? Don’t come in!” written in hasty handwriting appeared near the exit out of the Mary Sue Department.  Behind that door, in an inner room, a bored agent waited for her first assignment.

She was a new agent in the newly created subdivision for Elven affairs.  She was a recent graduate of Elven Languages And Culture program at OFUM and recruit of PPC, signed up as Agent Lambda.  She was longingly looking at the console and meanwhile trying to think what the abbreviation SIELU could mean.  Special Interdepartmental Elven Linguistics Unit?  Special Interdepartmental Elven Life Unit? Special Interdepartmental Elf-Lovers Unit?

She started to doze off in her large, comfortable armchair, when console beeped.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

“Why does it beep exactly when I am falling asleep?  As if it couldn’t beep when I was begging it to do so!” she muttered.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] was her only reply, but it seemed that this time there were hints of laughter in it.  Evil, sarcastic joy.

She jumped up to it, not because she was in a hurry, but because the floor was covered with papers.  She just moved in and she had no time yet to arrange her collection of Quenya compositions in the massive bookcases lining the walls.

“Oh no.  How DARE she defile the sacred names of Finrod and Lúthien?!  And mutilate beautiful Elven languages so!”

She was ready to open the portal right away, forgetting about weapons and disguises, but it was not for nothing she was sent to this unit and not to the Mary Sue Department proper, which desperately needed people.  She could calm down quickly, and it was essential here.  At SIELU the author had to receive a fair warning and offer of help before his or her creation could be destroyed.  Lambda hoped that this author will NOT want to improve.  After all, she had been told at the PPC training session that Suvians rarely reform.

She quickly compiled the charge list of all the author’s crimes and sent it using the PPC’s own mailing system, which delivered it immediately to the author (dropping the papers right at her head).  The reply came soon.  The Sue did not want to reform.

“Let the fun begin!” grinned Agent Lambda, and stepped to the console.  Her only regret was that she did not get a partner.  The whole new unit consisted of Unit Head, the Poison Ivy in bright pink dress, and herself.

She chose the guise of a Noldorin Elf, black-haired, grey-eyed, and pale; took the bag with the Two-in-One Character Analysis Device; an immobilizing pistol stolen from a local zoo right before she had left the Real World; a nerve agent mixed by herself (pharmacy school finally paying off); and stepped in.  Even then, she was sure she was forgetting something important.  After all, it was her first mission.

***

Lambda found herself in a strange generic forest, where trees were constantly changing shape – pines turned into rowans, birches into oaks, ashes into firs.  It made her head spin, and she regretted not taking Dramamine with her.

“Note to self:  bring anti-nausea medications when traveling through generic areas.”

The worst thing was that there was a strange noise, like a song of nightingale as large as a blue whale, coming from all sides.  She looked at the Words and sighed.  Tinúviel forest.  A forest which tries to sing like a nightingale.

“And I can’t even bring earplugs with me.  Now I know why the ad specified that they need a calm person with strong nervous system and endless patience.”

"Another day has begun. Can you believe I'm going to be 18 soon??" Kairi murmured, hugging her knees.  Aiden shook his head. "No I can't. We've been friends so long I've lost track of time. Right now to me you're some old woman!" Kairi yelled and tackled Aiden hard. "That's horrible you rotten old man!!!" Aiden laughed before picking himself up and grabbing up his bow. "Yah, I know I'm a rotten old man. But at least I'm comfortable being a rotten old man."

While this conversation went on, Agent Lambda was biting her hands until they bled in order not to scream.

“Oh Eru!  Why?  Why Finrod?  Why Lúthien?  What did they do to her? And yes, I can believe you are 18 in Tolkien’s sense of 18.  It is even too much.  You have less brains than a 7 year old human child!”

Kairi stood up as well. "Yah well..." she wrapped her arm through his before she snatched his bow and arrows, firing a few to thunk into the trees trunks.

“An Elf hurting innocent trees?  For FUN?!”

Lambda covered her head with her still bleeding hands, and started to wail.  She was ready to kill her now, but she had to live through much more before the canon would be disturbed sufficiently for her to have permission to slay the character.  Just out of curiosity, she pointed the CAD at her.

[Kairi Ciryatan.  Female.  Original Character.  Borderline Mary Sue.  Negative Effect on All Things Elven: 98%]

“Somehow, I am not surprised…”

Kairi's parents Luthien and Finrod Ciryatan greeted Aiden like they had every morning since that one day the two friends had met. "Watching the sun come up again?" Luthien asked as she served up some breakfast. Aiden nodded as he sat down at the small family table. Finrod walked up behind Kairi and kissed her head. "Our little girl is sure monotonous sometimes." Kairi giggled. "Am not. I do other things." "Yes, she paints and sings, Finrod, you know that."

[Finrod Ciryatan.  Male.  Original Character.  Useless.]

[Lúthien Ciryatan.  Female.  Original Character.  Useless]

“Why did she have to use THESE names?  She could have lived in peace otherwise.  But using such names for her Sue is a crime in and of itself!  Not to mention that Elves don’t live in treehouses!”

Agent Lambda checked the Words and decided that she could wait until the morning, until the Talent Show during which Galadriel would select those of the young Elves she found worthy to take with her to Lothlorien.  She fell asleep quickly, as only those who spent a long time living with roommates they can’t stand can.  In the middle of the night, she woke up, and realized what it was she forgot.  Food and sleeping bag.  Sleeping on the forest floor in just a flimsy silk dress was not the best idea.  And while she looked like an Elf, it didn’t mean her stomach became that of an Elf.  She was desperately hungry.  The rest of her night was cold and miserable.

***

When the morning came, Agent Lambda, determined to end it soon, went to the glade where the Talent Show was starting.  Just out of sheer curiosity, she pointed the CAD at Galadriel.

[Galadriel.  Female.  Canon.  15% out of character.  Dumbed down.]

“How can she make Galadriel an idiot who can’t notice anything around her?” Lambda almost screamed after looking at the Words.  She looked around and saw Sue’s annoying companion approach.

[Aiden Surion.  Male. Original Character.  Negative influence on all things Elven: 62%.  Stupid name.]

“And just how stupid this looks – long, unruly hair put half-up, half-down.  On a male.”

Lambda saw Ciryatan family approach Lady Galadriel and wondered what would she think (if she were in character) of an Elf sharing the name of her most beloved brother who died tragically so long ago.  Exactly how long, no one could know, for the year 3755 did not happen in any of the Ages in which Galadriel lived in Lothlorien.  The forest around her became dangerously vague.  The canon started disintegrating.  It could not remain somewhere where time itself was twisted beyond recognition, and where creatures with names like Alatáriël Carnesîr, Merewen Dorthonion, Findecáno Elerossë, Tinehtelë Culnámo roamed and Elves lived in treehouses with architecture that would give nightmares to anyone who has seen them.

Closing her eyes as she had done during her practice, Kairi began to play a romantic song. The song was set to the story of two lovers who met one day and loved one another within the blink of an eye.

In the middle of the song, she suddenly saw a tall Elf with a very angry face walking towards her.  Kairi was sure she have never seen her before, in her village or in Galadriel’s party.  The Elves around her couldn’t understand why she stopped, and were trying to ask her if she was sick.

“Can’t you see her?  Who is she?” screamed Kairi, suddenly very afraid.

Agent Lambda understood that her invisibility was lost.  She felt archers pointing arrows at her back, and thought that maybe next time she should find herself a lightweight mithril chainmail.

“I am sorry to interrupt your celebration, my Lady,” she bowed to Galadriel, “but I regret to tell you that this little Elf here committed a few crimes for which, sadly, she must die.”

Without letting amazed Elves speak, she started reading in monotonous voice, at the same time playing with some strange device (which, of course, was the portally-thingy).

“Kairi Ciryatan, you are charged with having a stupid name, creating even more stupid names for those around you, creating a forest which tries to be a nightingale, not knowing a difference between Quenya and Sindarin, not knowing the chronology of Middle Earth, altering Elven customs and development, creating ugliest dwellings I have ever seen, and particularly annoying The Poison Ivy and me by insulting Finrod, Luthien, Fingon, Elros, and my other great heroes of old.”

At the last phrase Galadriel’s eyes brightened.  It seemed that canonical Artanis Nerwen was coming through.  Whatever she wanted to say remains unknown, because at that very moment Lambda grabbed Kairi and jumped through the portal.  Not a moment too late, too, because Aiden shot FOUR arrows at the same time, all aimed at her.

***

Kairi found herself on a strange green island in the middle of a large river, with the strange Elf who had brought her here.

“You see, this is the grave of the REAL Finrod.  And you should bow to his memory.  Then your death will be a little bit easier.  I mean, quicker.”

Kairi just stood there and trembled.

“Well, I guess then you have another trip to make.” Lambda grinned and shoved Kairi through a portal.

Kairi found herself in a dark room with a very evil looking, though very beautiful Elf.  When he looked at her, she understood that he was not an Elf at all.

Sauron just finished reading the letter of the following content: “Do you remember that Elf who defeated you at Tol-in-Gaurhoth?  This is she who claims to be her daughter.  Deal with her as you will.  A.L.”  He turned towards the scared Elf and grinned.

“Now we will have some fun, won’t we?”

THE END

ELVEN NAMES

• [x] Names are meaningless
• [x] Names have a mix Quenya and Sindarin
• [x] Names are those of famous Elves of Old without a very good reason
• [x] Names are in an illogical language, such as:
  • () modern name
  • (x) Quenya names for Sylvan Elves
  • () second name being like of “Silverbranch” or “Quickarrow”, in English
  • () Japanese-like name
• [] Names are intentional and persistent misspellings of true Tolkien names
• [] A spelling mistake is made in true Tolkien name

ELVEN LANGUAGE

• [] Use of Grey Company Elvish
• [] Use of illogical language, such as Quenya for Sylvan Elves
• [x] Use of modern slang (when Elves are speaking English)
• [] Grammar mistakes in Elven languages
• [] Creating new pseudo-Elvish

ELVEN CUSTOMS

• [x] Altering Elven customs
  • (x) related to marriage
  • () related to social structure (government, education, etc.)
• [x] Altering Elven developmental processes (adulthood at 18)
• [x] Altering Elven physiology (adulthood at 18)
• [] Altering Elven psychology (specify)

MISCELLANEOUS

• [] Creating new, unlisted races of Elves
• [x] Creating new Elven dwelling places
• [] Creating new Elven artifacts where old ones would be sufficient
• [] Mangling Elven theology and metaphysics
• [x] Anything else the Poison Ivy finds especially annoying (using name of Finrod, one of her favorite Elves).

NOTES:

• Alatáriël Carnesîr – Quenya name in a Silvan Elf (for it can’t be any other, can it?)?  And Carnesîr, supposed to mean “Red River” is mixing Quenya and Sindarin.
• Merewen Dorthonion – Meaningless completely, and how can a woman be someone’s SON?
• Findecáno Elerossë – she dares to insult Fingon and Elros too, not to mention that it is again a Quenya name.
• Tinehtelë Culnámo – and here again a mix of Sindarin and Quenya, presumed to mean “Star-spring (as in spring of water) Goldendjudge”.

Now can I finally have my Bleepka?