An Intelligence agent tried to find the new, recently created Elven Unit something or other with a report on a story which was not a bad enough Mary Sue to attract the attention of the terribly overworked and underpaid Mary Sue department, but was serious enough to create a canon disruption threatening to make all Middle-earth Elves mad, even the Avari.

Inside the headquarters it was dark, as usual, and the doors kept shifting around.  He finally noticed a bright pink door close to the exit out of the Mary Sue department.  A large sheet of paper was taped at eye-level, and in red marker was written:

PPC :: SIELU
Not sure? Don’t come in!

The Intelligence agent, a short, thin young man, sighed and decided to enter.  He was very sure he didn’t want to, but it was his destination.

Behind the red door was the usual office.  The large wooden desk behind which sat a tall poison ivy in a bright pink suit.  Her leaves moved to create the semblance of an evil grin.

Oooh, our first assignment!  And have you been told that you will need to go on this mission with our agent, since she is barely out of training and needs help with using our gadgets?

He paled and gulped.

“I… I…” was all he managed to say before Ivy’s long branch grabbed him and shoved him through the doorway on the right.

All those not afraid of Poison Ivy (or rather those who have to come in anyway) were sent through a doorway on the right.  Behind him, he heard faint rustle of leaves.

He found himself in a room otherwise not accessible from outside.  It was larger than a usual agent’s office, but the walls (except for the one with the console) were covered by bookcases full of leather-bound volumes, dog-eared paperbacks, student notebooks with tea spilled on them, papyruses, parchment manuscripts, and other pieces of writing.  Of the other furniture, there was a very large and very messy desk covered by papers, and a large armchair behind it, in which slept the current occupant of the room.

His gasp made her raise her head.  She blinked several times, then finally rose to her feet, shaking her head.  She was a severe-looking, if somewhat nervous, brown-haired young woman with brown-rimmed glasses.

“I am Agent Lambda, and I am glad to welcome you to the Special Interdepartmental Elven Languages Unit.  I hope you are not allergic to Poison Ivy.”

As you might or might not know, Fanfiction.net is swamped by badfic.  I have loved and admired Tolkien's world for years, and it saddens me to see the Canon suffering the vicious attacks by Mary Sues and other monsters.  Don't misunderstand me, I love speculative AUs and even some crazy but well-written AUs.  I love good parodies.  In fact, I am translating one from English to Russian to give more people the opportunity to enjoy it (with the author's permission, of course).  However, mindless teenyboppers' ramblings annoy me.  Annoy me to the point I am screaming for blood.  Especially when the crimes concern Elves.  That's why, when Elven languages, culture, customs, or development are mutilated, Agent Lambda comes to defend the Canon.

The Official PPC:SIELU Charge List!

Mission 1.  Defile Finrod's Name And Die.

Once upon a time, the peaceful existence of Middle-earth was disrupted by sudden appearance of Tinúviel Forest in an undisclosed location.  In that forest there was a village, and in that village lived a girl named Kairi Ciryatan, whose parents were named Finrod and Luthien.  The Poison Ivy didn't appreciate little Sues defiling Finrod's name...

Mission 2.  There Is No Miss Magic In Middle-earth (co-authored with Kippur)

Have you heard about Miss Magic competition in Middle-earth?  How about Succubi?  Or Elves named Shandris the Princess of Mirkwood and Scylandara?  No?  Neither has anyone at the PPC.  Agents Alex and Lambda were sent to save the Continuum.

Mission 3.  Of Sues and Maedhros (almost done)

Mission 4.  Dimorëion The SheElf ranger from Rivendale (in progress)

Mission 5.  She-Slave Feanaro (in progress)

A variety of Elves and other creatures will join Hellga, Agent Lambda's evil twin and creator, in making fun of inept stories.

MST of a Celebrimbor-Sue

Celebrimbor's granddaughter Linwë was supposed to become a bearer of a Dwarven Ring of Power.  Instead, she became a laughingstock for Hellga and a pain for the real Celebrimbor.

When not on a mission, Agent Lambda sorts papers in her office, and sometimes writes, hoping to find strength one day to offer her works to Finrod Felagund for inclusion in the Royal Library of Nargothrond.  Go to her office to browse through her collection.

Protectors of the Plot Continuum is a large organization, full of crazy agents, who yearn to tell the world about their incredible adventures.  Here some of them are hosted, and some that are hosted elsewhere are linked.

Lambda used to be a pharmacist before joining the PPC, and she still uses her skills to help the agents who risk their lives and remnants of sanity in the defence of the Canon by creating useful drugs.