DISCLAIMERS:

The original PPC series was created by the great Jay and Acacia, and they and authors of various spin-offs own their respective creations.  I own Lambda, the Poison Ivy and my little office with all the linguistic materials amassed.  You can gain access to them by e-mailing me.  Kippur owns Alex and Verra.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

The story "Black Blood" by Chaotic*Dragoness on which it is based is long lost to mankind.  PPC agents hunted it down and destroyed it.

A copy of this fic can be found at Kippur's FF.net page under the title "Pumpkins and Other Unnatural Creatures"

For convenience, parts written by Kippur are in black, parts written by me are in this color. Sue's original story excepts are in italics.

The office was no longer gray. It was now (according to the paint can still sitting in the corner) canary yellow. The yellow was so bright that Alec had taken to wearing sunglasses while inside the office. Verra had been rather busy all week sprucing up the dull office. She had brought in pictures of the family and put them on top of the console, pillows with lace for the chairs and coasters so their coffee wouldn’t stain the computer tops. It was rather… disturbing in many ways.  She had been planing in putting in a throw rug but that had put on hold.  Braxious, their son, was home sick with the flu. So Verra was at home being a mother and Alec had the office all to himself. It was rather nice for once.  There hadn’t been any calls but Alec figured it was because the system was too scared to interrupt Verra as she was redecorating.

But with the dragon gone and Alec starting to drowse the universal laws of Irony kicked back into play with the theme from Beethoven’s fifth. Startled and looking somewhat guilty he looked around for the sound. It was from the console.  Briefly Alec wondered how Verra managed to reprogram it to play Beethoven instead of beeping loudly and nastily.

According to the print out there was a new Sue to kill. And apparently a partner to wait for.  He gathered up the pages and waited for a knock on the door.  It came about a half an hour later.

Eagerly he jumped up and opened the door.

“You’re here! Great! Read this and let’s go.” He said shoving the words at her.

“Alec- ex Sue. Call me Al and I’ll kill you.” Alec said, “and if you read you’ll know.” He gave a slight shudder and ran a hand through his hair nervously. He paused. “Oh and nice to meet you.”

Digging through his cabinets (which were now organized in pastel colored baskets) Alec pulled out his pack frowning slightly. There was a name tag on it printed on a happy face with his name on it attached. Verra had been there.  Fortunately she hadn’t touched his sword.  It was his sword of Sueness. It used to have magic powers. Now it was just extremely sharp. Carefully he removed it from the sheath and gave it a swish smiling as light glinted off the blade.

“Oh yeah…”

“Don’t worry about the food. We can steal some from Rivendell… that and my wife left some…” He looked in his pack and pulled out a paper bag with a happy face and flowers printed on it.  Looking inside he grimaced, “Beefy Jerky… and I think that’s the last Sue’s liver…Right we’ll steal some from Rivendell.”

He threw down the bag with a sheepish grin, and headed to the console.  Glancing at the words, he hit some buttons to set up the disguises. “Elves? Well yeah I guess so. They’re always fun.”

The portal hummed to life.  And it was a literal humming, although Alec couldn’t place the tune. He was calm. He was collected. He was not going to wonder about how Verra managed to get the portal to do that.

“M’lady.” He said with a slight grin, indicating that Agent Lambda should precede him.

The portal snapped shut and the two agents found themselves in a room.  Or at least Alec thought it was a room.  There was a lot of generic fuzziness, as the area wasn’t even described in the Words.  All that was clear were two elves and the two agents.

“I like the decor…” he muttered.

Shandris let the wind console her as her thick blonde locks licked her face, claiming the spotless flesh as its own. The dreams prevented sleep, and the visions were incurable.

Cracking his knuckles Alec grinned, “I can fix that really easily.  Even the spotless flesh.”

A voice from behind her stirred her to life. "The dreams have not fled?"

Shandris's tainted orange eyes looked upon her faithful servant, Scylandara. The maid's sharp features were visible even in the night. "No. Arwen and Elrond willPack my things. I am leaving for Father in the morning."

"Without an announcement?"

"Should I have?"

"'Twas only asking milady. I will meet you in the courtyard, horse and such."

“It helps with the blood-lust, or at least that’s my theory.” He offered helpfully.

Alec looked at her curiously, “What was that?”

Scratching his chin thoughtfully, he mulled this one over.  “Could be.  Or maybe it’s the store of will power that he has which she has stolen and used.”

Alec patted her gently on the back. “That my dear was a temporal distortion. A jump in the story, if you will. It’s generally thought to be caused by bad transitions.” He offered her a bottle. “You get used to them, but if you don’t here.”

Scylandara saw her off in the morning. Shandris's bow and arrows protruding from her head looked odd, and the stray bits of linen that turned in the gentle breeze.

Walking over to where the servant was now laying in the grass, Alec gave the body an experimental kick.  “Yup. By bad phrasing it looks like. Too bad about the brains… My son’s become rather addicted to Sue-brains.” Then realizing how strange that sounded he finished it with, “Don’t ask.”

“Probably since it became a palace.” Alec remarked dryly.  Absently he picked out the leaves from his hair.  He really hated having long hair. It always got tangled and everything. He found an acorn and tossed it down, hoping to hit the Sue on the head. Unfortunately he missed.

"Good business to you!" (Arwen)

"And to you, fair she-elf!"

“Especially since I’m a horridly ugly monstrosity of an evil git and don’t even deserve to speak to you…” he paused. “I didn’t say that out loud did I?”

A long embrace ensued. On the way to the party, Arwen engaged her sister in a conversation.

"You are prospering, no?"

"Not without the dreams. Thus, my presence."

"Of what do you dream?"

"Going back to the Ring."

"No reason in particular?"

"Would I be here if there was?"

Arwen fell silent. "Oh yes, are you dressed fitly?"

“I’m sorry was that supposed to be Westron? Or even grammatical?  Because I didn’t get it.”  He started to climb down the tree as Arwen inspected her sister who was wearing the Sue’s typical contradictory fancy yet plain dresses. He beckoned to Lambda with a quiet, “Come on! Food stealing time!”

Having been to Rivendell before (even if it was now a palace) Alec was able to lead them quickly through the hallways towards the dinning chamber. They passed Legolas, and Alec slowed down.  “Get a reading on him would you?” he asked, “And don’t forget the mute.”

Legolas was enthralled with the banquet. Musicians hummed softly while servants darted the halls. Aromas of fresh food, such as roasted boar, quail, and peppermint sauce sifted through every corridor.

A loud bell toll shook Legolas from his food fantasies. 'Yes! I will be first in my chair to chow!'

Alec frowned, “I’m not that great with languages, but Chow I’m certain isn’t Elven.” He looked over at the language expert, to see her reaction.

“Gesundheit.” Alec said absently watching the elf. Under his breath he began to mutter, “I’m a married man, I’m a married man…”

Sprinting to the dining chamber, the warm scent of a tasty feast streamed into his nose. All he had to do was find his name card.

On his way down the table, he passed smoked birds, poached eggs, omelets, pig, pudding, sauces, and a rare delicacy, spiny bull roasts.

“Spiny bull roasts? Spiny bull roasts?” Alec stared at the words and then at the food.  He did this back and forth several times.  The food represented by the words was a cow… at least Alec thought it was a cow, with quills on it just like a porcupine.

Licking his lips, Legolas found his card, proudly reading, Legolas Greenleaf.

“I could have sworn that name cards were a creation of Victorian England and not Middle-earth.”

Alec followed her example and grabbed some Spiny Bull roast, out of curiosity. Trying one of the quills he found it had the same consistency and taste as beef jerky.

Next to him were Arwen to his left and the head of the west table end, Elrond. He wished they would hurry up to the table.

“Hold on, time jump.” He warned.

“Sure, I’ll trade ya a quill for it.” he said offering a quill and then began to stare moronically at Arwen. He snapped out of it quick enough with a small muttering of “I’m married…”

Elrond was worrying. The right seat next to him was empty; where was its occupant? "Has anyone seen Sandy?"

Arwen countered. "Father, 'tis Shandris."

“Yup, poor chap, always resisting.” He said and then laughed softly as the screen proved him right. “They say it’s the ring that helps him.”

Elrond rolled his eyes.

Cheekily, Alec threw the Elf Lord a thumbs up sign, before sighing, “Boy don’t I wish…”

A maid pointed towards the doorway to the hall. An armoured Aragorn and a white-clad maiden, who was laughing, were walking in to the grand room. Instantly, the lass's smile vanished and was replaced with a look of awe. Aragorn pointed to the chandelier and she brought hand and daintily to her mouth to smother the giggles. They greeted many people as they processed down the table. When they arrived at Elrond's chair, she curtsied and he bowed.

"Ju'teu presante Shandris, mecilev." {This is Shandris, my friends.}

"Ven torqil ye," they responded, in Elfish as well. {We greet you.}

“According the Words, Elfish,” Alec said helpfully, “Although to me it sounds like French.”

Only Legolas rose to shake hands. Elrond's eyebrows raced up to his forehead.

Legolas looked deeply into wine-rich eyes.

Tactfully Alec removed the pudding and replaced it with a spine. He wanted to try some of the pudding.  “Look at her eyes. They used to be orange.  Now… they’re reddish and she’s swaying some.”

Her slender, curvy figure made her all the more beautiful, and he felt a spark ignite in his chest. 'I have to talk with her.' He even switched seats with Aragorn to talk. Shandris felt uneasy but his eyes were soft and his manners returned her to a trusting state. They conversed about lively things as they ate, such as life at the Wood Elves palace {Shandris was one}, politics, and a long topic, weapons.

        "Bows work, but they are a little feminine."

“My dear I know a whole wood of Mirkwood Archers who would like to prove you wrong.”

        "Nonsense! And shirkens are boyish?"

        They even danced twice. This was so unlike Legolas. Singling him out, Elrond asked, "Is there something I should know about?"

“She dances remarkably well for a building.” Alec remarked. “I wish I could dance with him…”

Legolas's green eyes twinkled. "Master Elrond, I have never felt this way. I ."

Now Elrond smiled I know what it is you feel, my son."

Legolas raised his head. "What?"

"Explore it. You will know."

Alec blinked and came back from the reality of the dance with the elves. “Charges… right. Always got to charge them. Damn shame.” He patted himself down until he found a bent note pad and stub of pencil.

Laughing, Alec agreed. “Come on, I know a good hidey hole, out of the way of Sues and getting tripped on.  It’s warm too.”

Morning came and with it the agents followed the Sue to the Medicine man of Rivendell, Old Wolf.  Who was, apparently a respected Healer among the High Elves.  Seeing him, Alec let out a low growl. His fingers started to twitch convulsively at his side.

        "Well, my dear, you have yourself a severe case of Black Blood Syndrome. Only one way to cure that."

Old Wolf pantomimed slicing the main blood vessel in her wrist. "You cut that open and let it bleed. If I'm right, you will go into a trance, sort of, and it'll be black."

"What will be black, sir?"

        "Why, yer blood a'course! You'll be like that for however long it takes to get rid o' the black stuff." He scribbled something down on a paper pad, tore it off, and handed it to Shandris.

“Oh you better believe it will you spawn of the depths of Darkness and despair, and that goes for you too you idiotic, ignorant Sue.” Alec hissed, fingers rubbing together so that sparks began to fly off of them.

"You can't read it. Mordor tongue, my apologies. Give that to Elrond."

Shandris rose and curtsied. "I thank you for your time, Master Wolf," she said curtly. " Penny and I shall depart." She positioned herself sideways in the saddle, waved to the old man, and kicked.

Alec let out a stifled scream of pure rage and Wolf turned into a pumpkin. Blinking confused before he realized that he was the one who had turned the “healer” into a squash Alec let out a small groan. “They’re so going to get me for that one.”

“Go for it. It actually depends on something. I’m not sure what exactly.  I think it has to do with laws of comedy or laws of improbability or something.” He scratched his head. “I never figured it out.”

While Lambda was experimenting with produce Alec ducked out of the Healer’s rooms and taking a quick plothole (one of many that abounded) managed to walk right in front of the Sue and her Cute Animal Friend.  The horse pulled up suddenly dislodging her rider.

“Oh dear Eru! I’m so sorry! Should look where I’m going, would walk into walls knowing my luck.” He bent down and picked her up by the arm, holding tightly while making a big show of brushing her off. (Which was sort of ridiculous because she was a Sue and dirt did not stick on her.) “Come on, we must get you to Healer Wolf to make sure such a lovely thing like yourself is okay.”  Shandris made a noise of protest, but Alec cheerfully ignored her, walking back to Agent Lambda. “Oh my… looks like the healer’s stepped out for a moment, perhaps Nurse Lambda can give you something for the pain.” Grinning like a maniac he shoved her towards the other agent.

Brushing his hands off, looking at the fallen Sue, he said, “Good, three more to go.” He picked up her prone body and tossed her ungracefully over his shoulder. “Portal thingy us to the foyer would ya? We have to make sure they don’t see us.”  He paused, “Actually, how do you feel about making a grand entrance?”

In the foyer there was a thing the Words called “a real succubus.”

The Wood Witch Sahora had spread her wings, and they flapped majestically as they kept the mage aloft. She was dressed in the tightest 'bikini' Ravyen had ever seen. Her skin was a sickly gray, and beads of a thick black substance dripped off of her. As she faced the two, who bowed gracefully, Ravyen saw a fanged mouth, blood red eyes, and a straight hairstyle. The succubus's voice echoed and cracked, thus intimidated Ravyen.

“How is she supposed to be a succubus. I’ve met them. They radiate sex and lust, I mean men and women just want to jump them.” He pointed to the thing on the throne. “That is not a succubus.”

"Ah, Ravyen of the Wood Elves. And Rini of the High Elves. An odd combination, hmm?"

Neither spoke.

"Ravyen, name your sister."

Shakily, she replied, "Princess Deirdre Shandris of Mirkwood."

"Does she know about her title?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because she cast a spell on her unicorn to make it a horse, and it backfired." She sighed and hung her head.

The witch glided over and extended a hand to right her head. " If I told you something about your sister, would you help me cure her?"

The three women (term used loosely, very loosely) turned to look at the agent. There was a moment of shock as they registered the presence of the two agents who shouldn’t have been there, but were.  The Succubus almost shrieked in delight at the sight of Shandris over Alec’s shoulder.  But Lambda’s evil look and trank gun deterred her.

“Where did you come from?”  the succubus asked instead.

“If you don’t know the answer to that sort of question, I’m not going to tell you.” Alec said tossing the Sue down on the ground and kicking her.  He then drew his sword out and held it defensively, stepping between her and agent Lambda.  “How ever my friend here has some very important things to tell you.”

Stirring which was rudely interrupted by Alec clipping her wings.  It caused a lot of pain because Alec wasn’t a doctor and swords were not made for amputations.  The Succubus screamed and writhed a bit, but couldn't get away because of the agent’s foot on her back.   He kicked the wings away, grinning sadistically.  “They make good soup, or so my wife says.” Grounding his foot in her back, he turned to Lambda indicating that she may continue.

“I forget, is being general gits a charge? Never mind it is now, you are also charged with being general gits, turning Rivendell into a palace, making Elrond a king, misplacing Aragorn and um…that thing with the eyes.  You’re charged with that too.” He gave Lambda a sheepish grin.

“Oh definitely, but I’d like to keep the Succubus if I may? My wife’s having family over…” he gave a shudder, “And this should keep them happy.”  He bent over, carefully picking up the wings. Dragons had strange tastes when it came to play things.  And as long as he wasn’t the play thing he didn’t care what it was.  He then waited patently for her to open up the portal so that they could dump the other sues into chew toy land.

Once back in his office, Alec dumped the Succubus on the floor, dropping his pack and her wings on top of her. He then turned back to Lambda, holding out his hand, “It was a pleasure working with you. I never realized that trank guns could be so amusing.”

ELVEN NAMES

• [x] Names are meaningless
• [] Names have a mix Quenya and Sindarin
• [] Names are those of famous Elves of Old without a very good reason
• [x] Names are in an illogical language, such as:
  • () modern name
  • () Quenya names for Sylvan Elves
  • () second name being like of “Silverbranch” or “Quickarrow”, in English
  • (x) Japanese-like name or just "strange"-sounding name
• [] Names are intentional and persistent misspellings of true Tolkien names
• [] A spelling mistake is made in true Tolkien name

ELVEN LANGUAGE

• [] Use of Grey Company Elvish
• [] Use of illogical language, such as Quenya for Sylvan Elves
• [x] Use of modern slang (when Elves are speaking English)
• [] Grammar mistakes in Elven languages
• [x] Creating new pseudo-Elvish

ELVEN CUSTOMS

• [x] Altering Elven customs
  • () related to marriage
  • (x) related to societal structure (government, education, etc.)
• [x] Altering Elven developmental processes (being able to do ANYTHING at 13)
• [x] Altering Elven physiology (see above)
• [x] Altering Elven psychology (Miss Magic?)

MISCELLANEOUS

• [] Creating new, unlisted races of Elves
• [x] Creating new Elven dwelling places
• [] Creating new Elven artifacts where old ones would be sufficient
• [] Mangling Elven theology and metaphysics
• [x] Anything else the Poison Ivy finds especially annoying (violating everything that can be violated).