04. Selmorwai

Aerilyn and Zera filed quietly into the elevator after their meeting with the SO.

"We're so screwed," Zera sighed, finally breaking the silence as she leaned against the wall.

"Well, two weeks of helping out in Crossovers, how bad can..." Aerilyn shut her mouth abruptly. Those were the wrong words to say in a place like HQ. "I mean, we'll live."

The SO was uniquely displeased with them for not "following proper procedures" during the power outage. Of course, neither of them had been aware of such procedures, as this had never happened before to their knowledge. Still, apparently, they were the only agents that had the misfortune to get a mission only minutes before, and so they were the ones who got to be an example. Zera's complaints that it was unfair left the huge sunflower completely unruffled.

"It's still not fair," Zera sulked, for the umpteen-hundredth time.

"If you say it a few more times, maybe that'll change something," Aerilyn retorted dryly.

Back in their center, Oby-wan greeted them with a loud burp. Zera sighed as Aerilyn went over to the computer.

"Oby-wan, did you drink all of the vodka in the cabinet?"

The mini-rancor blinked at her and growled.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. Just when I could have had some to drink, too. Hey Aerilyn, let's go down to the lounge and—"


"Nooo." Aerilyn bonked her head against the computer display, ignoring the fact that the sound was blaring straight into her ears. "Damn it, just when I wanted to go get a drink, too." She smacked at the computer, turning off the sound before the beeping got any louder.

"It's not a crossover already... is it?" Zera asked hesitantly, stepping over Oby-wan, who was looking annoyed at his recent case of the hiccups.

"No... It's... Oh sweet Eru..."

Zera peeked over her shoulder. "You stress too much, you know. I'd say that you're going to give yourself grey hairs, but you already have lots of those."

"It's a Gandalf Sue..." Aerilyn groaned. Just when she thought she'd seen it all, they came up with something else that made her want to down a couple gallons of Bleepka.

"Gandalf? But... but... he's... Gandalf!" Zera couldn't quite get words to come out on the subject.

"'This isn't my story, it isn't even my fic, it wasn't even my dream. It was my friends dream..' ...Where have we heard that one before?" Aerilyn muttered. "Guh. It doesn't even have a discernible plot, time line... At least with the tree-Sue, she had a purpose."

"Let's just get this over with." Zera dumped Aerilyn's pack into her lap. "We're obviously dealing with a deranged individual."

"That makes this one different from the others... how?" Aerilyn shook her head and irritably punched in the buttons to bring up disguises and a portal into the fic.

"Bye, Oby-wan," Zera sighed, slinging her own pack over her shoulder. "We'll all get some vodka when we get back. Or you can have vodka; we'll try to drown ourselves in Bleepka."


Two tall, dark-haired elves stepped out of a swirling portal, both looking grim.

"Wait a minute; the coordinates were for Minas Tirith but..." Zera looked around slowly. The place didn't look much like the citadel, in fact, it looked a lot more like some medieval...

"Castle," Aerilyn interjected. "We're in an Eru-freaking-castle."

"Shh..." Zera drifted up behind a large marble column, dragging Aerilyn along with her. "The Sue's coming..."

On the other side of the columns, in a large bedroom of some kind, there was a large bed, draped in gauzy blue curtains. Zera would have been tempted to say that it was a pretty room, it had the medieval feel to it, but the problem was that it didn't belong here at all. 'Boromir's castle'... She snorted quietly.

Suddenly the mahogany doors at the back wall opened, and the Sue emerged, with a nightgown-clad Gandalf in tow. She was beautiful, hardly a surprise – an elf with golden hair, blue eyes, and fair, perfect skin. It didn't help much at all that she, like most Elven Sues, looked to be about sixteen. Gandalf, on the other hand, looked as old as ever.

They hadn't gotten far when they began cuddling and giving each other loving smiles.

"I can't watch." Aerilyn covered her eyes. She thrust out her CAD into Zera's chest, eyes still closed. "Use that," she hissed.

Zera sighed and turned the sound off, pointing it first at Gandalf.

[Gandalf. Maia. OUT-OF-CHARACTER 77.3333333% TURNIP TURNIP! REBOOT!]

Aerilyn snatched it back, finally opening her eyes to look at the display. "Dear sweet Eru on a pogo-stick..."

"Eep! 'Lyn, they're changing clothes, I'm not watching that for any charge list." Zera dug through her pack, looking for the other analysis device.

Luckily, they had the decency to change in private, so Gandalf stepped behind the curtains to change. He seemed to be less than happy about this, and even the Sue wasn't too happy with making him go.

"Causing personality alterations and character ruptures, causing a character to act like a love-struck fool, especially over an original character, changing the citadel into a stupid castle, called Boromir's for some unknown reason, employing melodramatics to the point of utter sap – is that enough?" Zera had the infamous notepad out, and was scribbling hastily. "And totally squicking out this agent," she added quietly.

"Both agents," Aerilyn said grimly, looking a bit on the pale side.

"Both agents," Zera amended the charge.

"No...Gandalf.....You know we can't.....please......." The sue said as Gandalf wiped a tear away from her cheek. She was angsting because she was "forbidden" from Gandalf, and "her existence toi anyone's ears, even those of the fellowship would bring her certain pain and possible torture and dishonor while her would lose her love and die crying in his sleep."

Neither agent could make much sense out of that.

"Selmorwai, come on. Don?t give in," Gandalf said quietly.

"Oh, that's a good one," Aerilyn muttered sarcastically to herself. "Selmorwai... Sounds like a combination between a disease and a Japanese samurai name. That's a good combination."

"Can you make any sense of this angst? She's having a breakdown, and I really don't get why," Zera whispered, exasperated.

"I'm trying not to think here, thank you," Aerilyn said, just a bit too brightly.

"We had better start to the room, we said we would meet there a little after the moon began to set and look at the sky." Gandalf led the Sue over to a cabinet, and they pulled out black cloaks, obviously preparing to leave. The two elves hiding behind the marble columns scrambled to get out of the way before the Sue caught sight of them. Gandalf paused just for a moment on the way out, as if sensing something odd, but he continued without looking around too much.

"Room... meet... who?" Zera spluttered after the pair had left the room. "Gyah, my brain, it hurts."

"Let me try to translate the Sue-speak here, which I must say is disturbing to hear from Gandalf." Aerilyn frowned. "Hm... We'd better leave if we expect to get there by sunrise. Somebody will be expecting us? But where, and who?" She frowned, looking to the words.

Just then an author's note blared out, signaling the beginning of the second chapter.

i only have 1 thing in common with the author of this story...it ain't the money, it ain't the fabulous capability and freetime to make a humongo bestseller, or that i've been to war.......We were both born on January 3rd, that's it.....zip....zero....zilch....i own nothing else. The plot is mine however....kinda....got it of my friend's super freaky dream she had.

"What. The. F—"

Zera clapped her hand over her partner's mouth. Aerilyn glared and shoved her hand away.

"Is that even the same author? Argh! The grammar!"

"Lynnie, now that's hardly proper language for a nice Elven lady," Zera chided, quickly skipping out of Aerilyn's reach.

Aerilyn glared and lunged.

"Eee!" Zera, being a firm believer in the 'discretion is the better part of valor' idea, ran. "The portal generator! Aeeerilyn we have a Sue to kill!"

"Fine." Aerilyn stopped calmly, giving up on catching Zera. She dug out the portal generator and typed in the coordinates, using the author's note for reference. "I'm not looking forward to this."

"Just a few more charges." Zera tapped the notebook as the portal opened.

"If we can live that long." Aerilyn stepped through.


They came out in another room in the castle.

"Now, now," Gandalf was saying. "We still have a couple moments before he arrives, you know how untidy his aide is. Hallyna couldn't find him on time for his meeting if he were right in front of her. That's my gorgeous goddess. Come on. We have to go in now."

Zera blinked. So this was the trip they'd dressed up for? Oh well... She pointed the CAD at Gandalf again, just for the record.


"It's getting worse," she whispered to Aerilyn, who was muttering varied curses to herself, mostly in French.

The CAD then took a reading on the Sue. [Selmorwai. Elven female. Mary Sue.] The display flashed sulkily.

"Hallyna.....We need to see Grima. You know sunrise is the worst of times. Could you inform him that we are here and will be awaiting him in the blue room?" Gandalf was speaking to a woman sitting at a desk in the middle of the room, his arm around the Sue's shoulders.

"Blue room?" Zera looked around. To the left, there were open doors, and, as she'd expected, the room was decorated in mostly blue. "Freaky."

Aerilyn shook her head. "Make sure that you add notes about screwing up Minas Tirith, castle aside," she said quietly as they followed the two into the blue room, slipping by the bit character without trouble.

"Of course, I'm on it immediately. Enjoy the moments before sunrise for it brings life to some and sorrow to others, but you are not dead, no, simply enjoy the bliss of each others company and ....." the bit-character said after them, without looking up.

"What the... crap is up with this?" Aerilyn was exasperated. "Are they vampires? Why is no one here making sense?!"


"She is a Mary Sue. Mary Sues don't care a whit about logic," Aerilyn said through slightly gritted teeth.

They scooted behind a curtain in the blue room and watched as Gandalf sat down. The sue settled her head in his lap as they waited.

"I'm suddenly not wanting to know who we're waiting on," Zera sighed. She just wanted this nightmare to be over with already.

Both agents decided to look elsewhere when Gandalf and the Sue started making out. Not even the sound of shattering glass from the other room disturbed them.


Aerilyn and Zera jumped, but Gandalf and the Elven Sue didn't seem to notice the interruption.


At least the kissing ended, much to the agents' relief. Gríma had arrived.

"Oh... my god..." Zera's mouth was admittedly hanging open.

Gríma was standing in the doorway.

"The words do it justice, I think," Aerilyn noted quietly. It was almost funny... if it hadn't been so painful, she would have giggled.

He "wore large, platformed black boots making him taller, and black silk trousers, a white loose blouse, untucked, and a black silk jacket over it. On his head lay the article of his nightwear that he most prided in: his black hat with a magenta/fuscia feather peeking over the top and a red band attaching the feather. He was leaning against a cherrywood walking stick to support his skeltonlike figure up with his boot-clad feet dragging and swaying behind. Behind him stood a dozen or so beautiful elves and women all clad in tight blouses, dresses , loose skirts and some in over-corsets, all a beautiful sight, some with their hair recollected into buns and braids while others let their curls or straight locks hang loose."

"Alright, alright, I've had enough." Aerilyn stalked out into the middle of the room, leaving a still-shocked Zera behind.

All eyes in the room turned to her. The Sue scrambled up to her feet, looking confused.

Aerilyn turned around to shake her head at Gríma. "Gríma, Gríma, Gríma... What is with the pimp outfit? Honestly?" She whirled to the Sue. "And you... I don't even want to know why you've turned Minas Tirith, or 'minastirith' as you've called it, into your insane little playground for your... fantasies, but we've had enough of it."

Zera came out to stand next to her partner, fishing out the list of charges.

"The list, Zera?"

Zera cleared her throat. "Selmorwai, we are quite pleased to inform you that you are officially charged with being a Mary Sue. Your charges... I have to read all these again? Bleh... you've caused more character ruptures than is sane for a story of this length, you've caused Gandalf to act like a love-struck fool, you changed the citadel into a stupid castle, which it is NOT, you've employed enough melodramatics to sink a ship, you've TOTALLY squicked both of us out, and you've screwed up the timeline somehow, since Gríma is not supposed to be here."

"Plus, your endless and completely incomprehensible speeches break all kinds of grammar and spelling rules. Honestly, we can't make much sense of them at all." Aerilyn glared, tapping her fingers on her arm. "So, are you going to come with us without a fight, or does this have to get nasty?"

Gandalf stood up, frowning. Zera scooted a little closer to Aerilyn, feeling slightly reassured because he didn't have his staff with him. Another sign of an out of character Gandalf, she thought, he doesn't either have his staff in his hands or very close by, within reach. He'd even refused to give it up when a king ordered him to do so, the normal Gandalf never would have left it behind...

Aerilyn nudged Zera with her elbow. "Bring up a portal straight into Mount Doom. Adjust it so that she'll go straight into the lava, and for Eru's sake, don't fall in!" she whispered quietly.

Zera swallowed. This was dangerous... Nevertheless, she took the portal generator from her partner and quickly put in the coordinates. The swirling portal popped up in front of the agents, causing Gandalf to stop quickly.

"What kind of evil magic is this? Gandalf!" the Sue screeched, obviously not one of the braver types.

Aerilyn stepped around the portal swiftly and grabbed onto the Sue's dress. "Say bye-bye!" She pushed her through the portal quickly, before the Sue had a chance to grab onto her or Gandalf. Having a canon fall into Mt. Doom would be hard to explain to the SO.

As the portal closed, Aerilyn stumbled back, getting away from Gandalf, who was Not Happy.

"Ohh, crap, die, die, die you stupid Sue," she muttered.

Before Gandalf could say anything, things sort of... snapped.

With the Sue's death, the room shimmered, as canon was starting to revert back to normal. Gandalf stopped and blinked.

"Whew... that was a close one..." Aerilyn wiped a hand over her forehead.

"Come here, Gríma," Zera coaxed, setting up the portal generator to go to Isengard. "The rest of you, you're going right back to Rivendell."

"Are you okay, Gandalf?" Aerilyn asked hesitantly as Zera worked on getting the confused canon and company through portals to where they belonged.

Gandalf rubbed his forehead. "Where is my staff?" he asked, looking around. The blue room was blue no more, but rather it had shifted to a normal-looking room, somewhere in the citadel. His staff appeared on the bench.

Zera rubbed her hands together after shoving the last of the Elven maidens through the portal. "Are we done here?"

"Yeah." Aerilyn watched Gandalf pick up his staff, grumbling to himself. "I think that the other bit character will fit in here without messing anything up. Gandalf's getting back to normal... Let's go back and drink before I start actually thinking about what just happened."

Zera grimaced, activating a portal back home. "Let's do..."

"Want to place any bets on who can down the first bottle the fastest?" Aerilyn asked hopefully, grinning a little.

"Huh! You're on."