Lab Report 1

Problem Statement

The purpose of this experiment is to determine the genetic coding of a Mary Sue of genus Puella and discover how this may be altered for use in future genetic warfare. The independent variable is the species of ’Sue. The dependent variable is the composition of the genetic code. There is no control, as this is an observational lab. The conditions held constant are the tools used to extract material, the equipment used to test the material, and the age of the ’Sues tested.


The higher the glitter content of a ’Sue’s bloodstream, the more repetitive the gene structure. This is expected because a main characteristic of Sues is their predictability, both in their appearances and in their personalities. As these are primarily determined by genetics, the more ’Sue-like a ’Sue, the more similar and repetitive the genetic structure.



  •        Two (2) specimens per ’Sue of genus Puella
  •        Two (2) confirmed non-Suvian characters
  •        One (1) glass syringe
  •        One (1) large scalpel
  •        Three (3) liters rubbing alcohol
  •        Eighteen (18) test tubes
  •        Eighteen (18) test tube corks
  •        One (1) microscope
  •        Several (…) slides
  •        Several (…) slide covers
  •        One (1) DNA scanner

Safety Guidelines

  •        The wearing of rubber gloves, goggles, and lab coats is necessary at all times. ’Sue blood is corrosive to known canon characters and its effects are undocumented on agents. Err on the side of caution.
  •        Handle all sharp objects (including any glass shards which may somehow appear) with care, keeping the blade turned away from the person.
  •        Do not ingest rubbing alcohol. Seriously, don’t. This may be HQ, but we don’t drink rubbing alcohol. Don’t do it.
  •        Avoid overloading the DNA scanner, as it may blow up and cause injury to the scientist.


(You can’t make me draw. You can make me write, but you can’t make me draw.)


  1.        Collect blood samples from all known species of ’Sues belonging to the genus Puella and place into test tubes. It is recommended to use two trial subjects per species for broader results. Lazy scientists may simply do one of each and not tell anyone.
    1.        Note on hygiene and contamination: clean the scalpel or syringe thoroughly with rubbing alcohol between each ’Sue to avoid contamination of the samples.
  2.        Examine each sample under the microscope, noting color, viscosity, thickness, and other characteristics.
  3.        Test each sample in the DNA scanner, noting the DNA patterns. The overachieving agent may here wish to copy the entire sequence down, but otherwise note all recognizable patterns.
  4.        Record all data. If you need a whole new step to tell you this, you shouldn’t be scientists.
  5.        Find two certified non-Suvian victims subjects. Repeat steps 2-4 with the control samples.
  6.        When all trials and tests have finished, dispose of any remaining ’Sue blood by placing it in the Reality Room, which will render the glitter null and void, thus allowing the janitorial staff to handle it safely. A conscientious scientist may instead choose to sell the samples to agents who require it. Removing it from the test tubes is recommended unless a scientist has a surplus.
  7.        Scrub down all work surfaces with rubbing alcohol. If necessary, these can include the scientist him, her, or itself.


Data Tables

Data table 1: Qualitative observations concerning the blood of Mary Sues of genus Puella
Species Blood cell shape Color of blood Other observations
Puella perfecta Sickeningly cute kitten Bear cub Red. Similar in color to that of a non-Suvian OC. Red. Similar in color to that of a non-Suvian OC. Glitter content low, for a ’Sue. Similar consistency to that of a non-Suvian OC. Glitter content low, for a ’Sue. Similar consistency to that of a non-Suvian OC.
Puella recentis Seemed to be owls; the blood cells did not appear to know what they were meant to be. More confusion; seemed to be ponies of some kind. Like no ponies I’ve seen. Pink. Bright pink. Scarily so. Pink. Very pink. Not as bad as Helen’s urple messages, though. The glitter that could be seen was low. Hard to tell, though, since pink is a glittery color. More pronounced glitter. Must have been a borderline ’Sue.
Puella mirabilis An angel. Definitely an angel Another kitten. Pure red. Did not seem to darken with exposure. Disturbing. Pure red. Did not seem to darken with exposure. Disturbing. Definite glitter. Consistency thin, almost like red wine. (Note: not eatable. Ever.) Visible glitter. Wine-like consistency once again. Must come from saintliness.
Puella occupatus Though it appeared to be some kind of hawk, the exact species was impossible to determine. Could not have been anything but a rabbit. With faintly pink ears. Red with gold flecks as well as the glitter. Darker red, this time with silvery flecks. Exact nature of the flecks uncertain. Blood cells seemed to divide rather more often than usual. Blood cells seemed to divide rather more often than usual.
Puella numeroconfracta A puppy. Probably a Golden Retriever. Shape uncertain. Appeared to be a biologically impossible cross between a lynx and a mermaid. Similar in color to Homo sapiens. Possibly for camouflage. Lighter than Homo sapiens, with  a faintly pink overtone. Glitter content at the highest limit for qualification. Glitter content high. Blood thick, as though the glitter absorbed some of the moisture.
Puella cruciata An apparently depressed raven. A wolf cup. Possibly from Suethor typo? Black when still in specimen. Turned red upon contact with oxygen. Black when still in specimen. Turned red upon contact with oxygen. Blood had the consistency of tears. Answer to ‘crying black tears?’ Very thin blood, able to flow without drying or clotting for far too long.
Puella translata transformis Unicorn. Note that this specimen originated from the Lord of the Rings canon. Puppy, resembling Padfoot to an eerie degree. Refuse to think about implications farther. Red, but not quite normal. Possibly due to uncertainty in Suethor as to blood of non-humans. Tinted green. Extremely disturbing to examine. Flowed sluggishly and clotted easily. Perfect for miraculous healing. Sparkled under the microscope. Very high glitter content.
Puella recentis prophesida Yet another kitten. Appeared to be a lyger of some kind. Identical in color to Homo sapiens. Identical in color to Homo sapiens. Similar consistency as Homo sapiens, despite heavy glitter content. Similar consistency as Homo sapiens, despite heavy glitter content.
Puella mixta impossibilis Fairy-tale style pixie. Complete with pixie dust. Another raven, this one much more animated. Blood of uncertain color. Continuously shifted between red and crimson. Sunglasses are advised. Orange of the traffic cone variety. Glitter content blinding. Especially nasty when combined with the color of the  blood itself. About the consistency of the traffic cone from which it gets its color. This scientist does not like to speculate why the Suethor felt the need to give her creation rubber blood.
Data table 2: Genome of Mary Sues of genus Puella.
(Due to the length of genome coding and equipment used, this data has been stored in the personal files of Agent Powder Puff, and may be divulged upon request.)

Data Processing and Presentation


(No calculations required for this lab; ’twas a purely observation-based experiment.)


(No graph required for this lab; ’twas a purely observation-based experiment.)

Analysis and Conclusion of Results

The purpose of this experiment was to determine the genome of a Mary Sue belonging to the genus Puella. It was hypothesized that the genome would resemble that of Homo sapiens more or less, with the structure becoming more and more repetitive as the blood glitter level increased. The reasoning behind this was the growing predictability of the ’Sue’s actions as blood glitter level increases.

However, upon observation, it was discovered that the genome of genus Puella does not resemble anything found in Homo sapiens. Possibly due to inadequate knowledge of biology on the part of Suethors, the coding spelled out exactly the ’Sue’s traits, often in urple prose that may have been verbatim from the ’Sue’s home story. For instance, a specimen of species Puella perfecta had the following coding (excerpt only, of course): “…LONGFLOWINGGOLDENLOCKS EYESBLUEASTHESKYATDAWN CANONCHARACTEREXTERMINATE BLACKLACEGOWNWITHLACYSLEEVES…” A specimen of species Puella mixta impossibilis had similar coding, and a similar directive to destroy canon characters: “…GLEAMINGRAVENBLACKHAIRREACHINGTOTHEGROUND SPARKLINGGOLDENEYES CANONCHARACTERAVADAKEDAVRA ANOREXICYETHAVINGALARGECHEST …”[1]

As shown by the samples, the glitter content of a ’Sue had no visible effect on its genetic coding. It can only be concluded that something else governs glitter content and only goes to show that Suethors have little to no actual grasp of biology. The hypothesis was thus proven incorrect and further testing is required. Despite the fact that this lab tested only ’Sues of genus Puella, it can be assumed that the results will be similar with other species. The limited number of test subjects may have also changed the results slightly, as the only ’Sues currently in captivity are those who have either relapsed or who bargained with the less homicidal assassins, of which there are few, and so they are not a representative sample.

However, these observations do show with some certainty that ’Sues are indeed designed to prey upon canon characters. The fact that these ’Sues are a small, perhaps unrepresentative sample does not alter the results, and this author believes that they can indeed be extended to the greater ’Sue population, as temperament and luck have little do with genetic coding. It is uncertain whether the ’Sues or even the Suethors are aware of this fact, but it may be a latent trait which only activates in certain circumstances. These have yet to be determined, and once more, further testing is needed. This experiment was merely a preliminary investigation, and many more studies will be required before anything can be said with certainty. It may, however, be possible to manipulate the coding of a ’Sue and cure her of her desire to obliterate canon characters, but this will take a great deal of further research and deprive the assassins of their fun. For the moment, it remains only a theory and a great deal of further investigation is necessary before anything can be developed or even considered as more than an idea.

[1] Please note that the bold has been added by the authors of this report for emphasis.

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