Agents Sarah Vym and Elaina Thyme of the Department of Bad Slash greet you by proxy. They apologize for not being able to do so in person, but, due to their department being seriously understaffed, they are currently away on a mission. They invite you to please make yourself at home and ignore any messages which may appear on the Console in their absence. If you rummage about enough, you are certain to find tea and chocolate, but Sarah informs you that this is her private stash and she will know if you have taken some. They thank you for your patience and hope that they will return soon to greet you properly.
Inhabitants of Response Center #1134
Sarah Vym: of medium height and more than average weight, Sarah sees nothing wrong with the way she looks and doesn't think you should either. She is a recent transfer to DBS, having been ejected from the Department of Implausible Crossovers after almost killing Bella Swan. Due to her background, she is still occasionally assigned crossover fics, much to her disgust. Sarah does not tend to show emotion to the world, but assures you that she is perfectly normal, has already been to FicPsych, and would appreciate it if you butted out. She also would like to inform you that you may indeed consider that a threat.
Elaina Thyme: dark skinned and curvy, Elaina has always worked in DBS. Her previous partner defected from PPC a little while ago, electing to remain in a Harry Potter badfic as Lucius Malfoy's sex toy. She has since been transported to the inpatient ward of FicPsych. Elaina has very prominent masochistic tendencies but is unconcerned, as it allows her to work in badfics with slightly more ease. She thanks you for your patience and points you to a small cabinet towards the rear of the response center, where you will find a small amount of chocolate chips. She asks that you not take too many and that you share them with Riven the mini-Reaver, as she gets violent if you don't.