Vaniela’s Note: This is my first assignment, but it was a doozer. It is eleven chapters long and very, very bad. If you want the story it’s at
[Editor’s Note: Apparently this fic has been edited since the mission report was written. Some of the quotes aren’t accurate anymore.]
Having just been cleared for duty by the PPC headquarters, Agent Vaniela was lounging on her computer chair, wrestling with the machine. She had been trained by the esteemed Agent Ilarian, but no one had told her how to connect her cell phone to her computer. The reason she was trying such an incredible *snort* feat was because she wanted to use her cell phone for her portal. Unfortunately, the little thing refused to work.
Sighing in frustration, Vaniela refrained from pounding the thing into little bits and started working on it again. She was ready for her first assignment, but it didn’t seem to be ready for her. Though, she reasoned, Mary Sues pop up everywhere. It probably won’t be long.
And, indeed, she didn’t. Just after she managed to sweet talk the phone into working, it started playing the ‘1812 Overture’ in a tinny and off-key tone. This, apparently, was her signal that a Mary Sue had been detected. She looked at it askance, as the little thing nearly fried itself trying to get her attention.
Vaniela looked down at it and frowned. “Oh boy,” she muttered to herself, reading the report. “Okay, thing, please work.” She pressed the key for a portal. Surprisingly enough, the portal opened. Vaniela grabbed her trusty silver dagger, her CAD, a nice supply of Bleeprin, and her notepad. Then she squeezed through the portal. “Okay, maybe the cell phone wasn’t a good idea,” she grunted as she nearly got stuck trying to squeeze through the tiny area.
She popped out with a curse as Chapter One rose like a viper and hit her in the face. It began with a terribly punctuated sentence –
Ow my head hurts, I feel like someone hit me over the head with a frying pan. Why is it so dark? Duh I have my eyes close, I swear I could be so stupid sometimes.
Vaniela twitched rather alarmingly. “So, she swears she could be so stupid sometimes? I could, too,” she said, pulling out her notebook. She already knew at least one of the charges would be ‘Writing in badly punctuated sentences and misspelling.’ She cocked her head, wondering what disguise she should have.
The Mary Sue proceeded to blather for awhile in terrible grammar about how her head hurt. Soon after, Vaniela hit her first time wrench. Suddenly it was an hour later and the Mary Sue was walking. Rubbing her head and muttering, Vaniela followed her. The Sue said something very obvious –
“ I guess I should keep walking”
“Smart, genius,” Vaniela muttered, still wondering what disguise she should use. Suddenly the Sue-thing heard footsteps and brilliantly hid behind a bush. She then ended the first chapter on what she obviously thought was a wonderful cliff hanger.
“It can’t be him,” I said loudly. In my life I have done lots of mistakes and this was one of them. Why you ask, well because Aragorn finally spotted me. You would think me being a fan would have loved to be spotted by Aragorn but you see I was still confused and very much scared.
“Who are you ,sir?” Aragorn said looking at me through the bushes. “ I suggest that you come out of those bushes before I do it for you.” Aragon sure seemed more nice in the movies. Wait a tick did he just say ‘sir’ at me? Someone needs their eyes checked.
“Hoo boy,” Vaniela grumbled. She grabbed her notebook and started writing new charges. “Making Aragorn blind and stupid. Using non-canon wording for a canon character. And misspelling. Aragon is a place in Spain, you stupid Suebrat.”
The Sue then changed tenses abruptly back and forth, for past to present. Very dizzy by this time, Vaniela stumbled to a tree and held on until the world stopped spinning. Just then ‘Aragorn’ started shaking the Sue and demanding her name, still calling her ‘sir’.
“Okay, okay, stop hurting me for god sakes.” He stopped shaking me. I touched my shoulder and pain shot through my body. I guess Aragorn is stronger than he looks. I better talk before he decides to shake me again. “ For the record I am not a man” I took my hood down so he could see all of me. How could he not see that I was a girl? My breasts are bigger than all my friends. For goodness sakes
Aragorn took a step back and looked at me completely. He looked shocked and ashamed at the same time.
“Milady I am sorry I did not know. Are you hurt badly?” Aragorn moved close to me, he reached for my shoulder. “May I please see your shoulders? I promise I wont hurt you again.” I hesitated in him touching me. Once any person hurts me, I always hesitated with them after. I started doing that since I was 5 years old, when everything was full of pain in my life but that’s a different story that I wish not to
Vaniela lifted her arm to reach for her notepad and there was an alarming click from her shoulder. “Gosh, it’s so bad I developed a click,” she muttered, reaching for some Bleeprin. Then she started furiously writing. “Lewd references to private body parts, Aragorn calling the Sue ‘Milady’, non-canon language, and for heaven’s sake, we got a big fat Angsty!Sue.”
Aragorn then proceeded to become tender. Vaniela suddenly remembered her CAD, and zapped him.
[Aragorn, Strider, Elessar, etc., etc. Ranger of the North and King of Gondor. Canon. OOC 98.892%.....CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!! CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!!!]
Vaniela dropped the smoking CAD as it nearly set itself on fire. She leapt away from it until it cooled down. She stood there, panting, while ‘Aremi’ and the character replacement argued for no apparent reason. Then they suddenly made up and the Sue showed ‘Aragorn’ her CD player to prove she was from Earth. The character replacement started feeling compassion for the Sue.
“How do you know I cant protect my self you fine?”
“Do you know what to do if an orc came at you?” Run like hell.
“ Yes I do know I would draw my sword and fight the beast”
“So you have skills with a blade? You wouldn’t mind demonstrating for me Lady Aremi” Aragorn said lifting me of the ground and giving a sword.
Vaniela groaned and held her head. “Doesn’t she know how to write? How do you know I cant protect my self you fine, indeed!” she puffed, as ‘Aragorn’ invited the Sue to join him and *shock of all shocks* four hobbits!!
“Oh boy,” Vaniela said, traipsing after the character replacement and the Sue. “I bet we have a tenth walker Sue here.”
Suddenly Vaniela hit another spatial wrench. It hit very abruptly and sent Vaniela tumbling to the ground, her head aching. “Ouch. Can I have the entire bottle of Bleeprin?” she groaned, popping a couple pills. Now the Sue and ‘Aragorn’ were off to meet the hobbits.
The character replacement suddenly got interested in ‘Aremi’s’ world and proceeded to ask about things he never would’ve known about. Definitely a replacement, Vaniela thought, limping along behind. She still hadn’t found a disguise.
“Milady we are here” Aragorn said. He put his hand behind my back. I didn’t think this wrong. I felt protected under his touch. I think he felt that I was somehow scared, which I was. “Everything will be alright Lady Aremi”
“How did I know he was going to do something like that?!” Vaniela yowled, clutching her head. The Bleeprin was helping a little, but she still had a mighty headache.
The Sue and the character replacement went to meet the hobbits, while the Sue continued to be angsty. Pippin asked ‘Aremi’ if she wanted food in a very badly written sentence.
“Pippin you are being rude. Why not just if you if she is hungry? Why do you have to be so rude.” Merry said walking up to Pippin and me.
“ Its alright. He wasn’t being rude” I said
“But he was Lady Aremi. I apologies for him. So are you hungry?” Merry said
“Now look who is being rude. Lady Aremi my name is Frodo.” He said shaking my hand. “And the other hobbit other there is Sam.” He said pointing behind him.
“ Nice to meet all of you. As you all know am Aremi. And I am hungry.” All of the hobbits started laughing.
“ I knew you were hungry. I could hear your stomach rumbling from where I stand Lady Aremi.” Pippin said laughing.
“Pip that’s really rude” Merry said.
“AAAH!” Vaniela screamed, so loudly that the character replacement looked into the woods where she was hiding. She convulsed alarmingly. “Oh great, now everyone calls her Lady Aremi!” She was not in a good mood because of a small spatial wrench in the middle, where Frodo suddenly appeared shaking ‘Lady Aremi’s’ hand. She had hit a tree coming out of it.
Vaniela, rolling her eyes furiously, pulled out her CAD and pointed at Pippin and Merry.
[Peregrin Took. Hobbit of the Shire. Canon. OOC 37.673%]
[Meriadoc Brandybuck. Hobbit of the Shire. Canon. OOC 68.295%]
“Okay, at least we don’t have any more character replacements,” Vaniela said, as the Sue continued to blather about food.
No he is right. My stomach is rumbling loudly. Its been hours since I last eat. What I wouldn’t give right now for a nice meal.”
“ Well you are in luck because Sam is the best we know. Isnt that right Sam?!” Frodo screamed at Sam who still hadn’t moved from the fire.
“ You must excuse Sam Lady Aremi. He is really shy when he meets knew folk.” Frodo said.
“ Its alright I understand. So what’s for dinner am starving.” I said.
Vaniela rolled her eyes and grabbed her CAD again.
[Frodo Baggins. Owner of Bag End. Ringbearer. Canon. OOC 70.000%]
[Samwise Gamgee. Hobbit of the Shire. Canon. OOC 65.430%]
Vaniela winced. “I hope Frodo doesn’t turn into a character replacement on me,” she muttered. She pulled out her notepad and started writing charges. “Misplaying all hobbits. Non-canon references. Uncharacteristic portrayal of canon characters.”
“ So Milady we had talked about our home but what about yours?” Pippin said. I knew it was going to come up sooner than later. I looked over at Aragorn to see if I should tell them the truth. He nodded I guess that means a yes.
Vaniela snorted. “He nodded I guess that means a yes. Honestly,” she muttered. “Now, of course, she’s relying on Aragorn. How did I guess?”
The Sue then proceeded to blather for the next page. She and the hobbits were talking about ‘her world’ in badly punctuated sentences with misspelled words and terrible grammar. Then, of course, ‘Aremi’ requested that they didn’t call her ‘Lady Aremi’. Then ‘Aremi’ had to sing a lullaby to help her sleep.
“Should’ve seen that coming,” Vaniela groaned. Famous last words. The next second…WHAM!!!! A humongous spatial wrench hit her like a train. Hours hurt, but this one was a week. Vaniela slammed into a tree head first and slid down it, landing in a heap on the ground.
“Oh, god, that hurt,” Vaniela groaned, trying to figure out if her lungs had been ripped out of her body. She knew the Sue-thing was probably getting away, but she couldn’t move for the moment. “Stupid…spatial wrenches…must…kill Aremi,” she panted, as she slowly regained her wind.
When she could move, Vaniela reached for her Bleeprin and chewed several pills before she could walk again. She limped towards the Sue-thing.
It has been a week since I landed on Middle Earth. I have gotten really close to the four hobbits and Aragorn. We talk for hours. I have given up trying to find out a way back home. I only have to wait until we get to the house of Elrond and we will figure out something there. Every day I think about my family. I talk about them constantly to my new family. Yes this 5 people have been my family so far even if it has only been a week.
They listen to me talk about my home and they never tell to stop talking about it. I know I that they feel my pain whenever I talk about my family. I could feel their pain as well. We all miss our homes.
Aragorn does talk to me a lot. He tells me about his childhood the thing he have seen. He once mentioned Arwen. He talked about her for a whole day. I now felt like a knew her myself. He has asked if I ever have fallen in love. I predictable I said I haven’t. I don’t really believe in falling in love. He seemed shocked by my answer and told me wonderful thing about being in love. But I still believe in it.
The hobbits and I are great friends now, we play pranks on each other. Turns out the night that I started singing Hush Little Baby they had woken up and heard me sing. They asked me in the morning if I could sing for them. I was so embarrassed that they had heard me sing but they kept nagging me, even Aragorn asked me to sing again. So now everyday I sing for them. Every time I sing for them they always say the same thing.
“I don’t think she has any idea how to even talk,” Vaniela panted, still winded from the spatial wrench. “And now she puts in the ‘falling in love’. She contradicts herself, too. She doesn’t believe in falling in love, and then she does.”
But I must go to the present now. Merry had woken me up with cold water!
“ What are you talking about Merry I wake up really easily!”
“ She right you know” Said Sam
“ Okay, you wake up really easily. The reason I woke you up with cold water was because you eat my last sausage yesterday!” Merry screamed.
“Merry you dork! That wasn’t me that was Pippin” I said pointing at Pippin who pretend not hear our argument.
“Shes right Merry” Said Aragorn who was trying not to laugh. “Even if it was Lady Aremi it was necessary to through water at her while she slept.” Aragon couldn’t stop saying Lady or Milady even if I asked. I felt really old when he called me those names. But right he is chuckling his cute butt off.
Vaniela nearly died of convulsions. Once she was sure she would not throw up, she whipped out her notepad and started scribbling furiously. “Double charges of non-canon language and actions. ‘Aragorn’ ignoring her pleas to stop calling her ‘Lady Aremi’. Gosh, I’m going to run out of room for charges if she keeps this up,” she muttered, stuffing it away and reaching for her CAD again. She was sure the OOC percentages were skyrocketing.
[Peregrin Took. Hobbit of the Shire. Canon. OOC 50.452%]
[Meriadoc Brandybuck. Hobbit of the Shire. Canon. OOC 71.343% WARNING! CHARACTER RUPTURE!!!]
Vaniela winced and put the CAD away. “Pretty soon Merry’s going to be a character replacement.”
The Sue-thing, the character replacement, and the poor confused hobbits started arguing about who started the water fight. Vaniela sighed, not even bothering to use her CAD. All their OOC percentages were skyrocketing. Except for ‘Aragorn’s, who’s percentage couldn’t go any higher.
The Sue then put in a shameless reference to the movie that she was now a part of. Vaniela tried to decide if she should barf or scream. It turned out to be ‘scream’ when she hit another spatial wrench. She said something unprintable and popped some more Bleeprin.
Meanwhile, the Sue-thing was now in the tower with the hobbits and made more shameless references to the movie. Vaniela wrote down that charge – “Shameless references to the movie.”
“Milady may I have a word”
“ Yeah okay.” This isn’t spouse to happen so fast. I need time to think.
“ Am going to search the area, see if we are not followed by Black Riders. I do not think I need to explain what they are. I have feeling you already know. I need you to look after the hobbits, make sure they don’t go rooming around. Can you do that?” Aragon said looking at the four hobbits who were still sitting on the ground and talking like no care in the world.
“ Yes I could do that. Are you going to take long?” Crap why do I have to be in charge. Oh yeah because I actually follow the rules. Well, when I want to anyway.
“Oh great, now the character replacement ‘forgets’ and calls her Milady, puts her in charge to keep the hobbits from ‘rooming around’. This definitely isn’t ‘spouse’ to happen,” Vaniela muttered to herself. “Can’t this Sue-thing write anything?”
The Sue-thing made many more shameless references to the movie, inspiring Vaniela to make double charges on this one.
The only people are left is Frodo and me. Before I could step forward and try to stop at least one Frodo steps in front of me and attacks. He falls backwards. I go straight to him and try help him. I see the Ringwraiths pointing their swords over Frodo and me. One steps forward and I knew it was him. The witch king. I could feel Frodo clasping my hand, it starts to speak. My body fills with cold. I can not mode. I suddenly see Frodo disappear before my eyes. The witch king lifts his sword and I know that he will stab Frodo but something changes. The king stops in mid air, he turns his head and looks at me.
I could feel me heart beating a thousand times faster. I never understood the meaning of the saying ‘and her blood went cold’ that is until now. I saw all of the ringwraiths look at me. I heard the witchking start to speak.
“ You can not fight it. He will have you.” His terrible voice echoed in my head. Then he did something that I didn’t expect he took out his hand for me to take. I acted on impulse and swung my sword at him. He was quick and stronger, he caught my sword in his hand. He got his sword and sung toward me.I felt hot pain hit me. I felt my body go cold.
Vaniela tried, no, tryed, not to vomit. “The ‘witchking sung’ at her? Now he goes for her, huh? No doubt she thinks this is a terribly witty plot twist,” she sighed, reaching for her notepad and her CAD. “Changing events in the book to suit her. Misplaying the Ringwraiths.” Muttering ferociously, she pointed her CAD at the Witch-King. Or, maybe, the witchking.
[Witch-King of Angma. Lead Ringwraith. Canon. OOC 95.675%.....CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!!! CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!!!]
The CAD nearly blew itself up and Vaniela dropped it hurriedly. “Yeesh, how many character replacements are there?”
Vaniela whined in pain as the Sue-thing rewrote the entire battle at Weathertop to add her getting stabbed by the Morgul-blade instead of Frodo, made sure to have ‘Aragorn’ hold her and tell her to hold on while she screamed his name, and threw in another spatial wrench. She also made the OOC percentages of all the hobbits climb to alarming levels, just below character replacement. The Sue added lots of angst and terror, and then her mom *cough* suddenly showed up.
“ What do you mean. Like changing the end of the story? Lets talk about that shall we.”
“ Whats to talk about? You know the end of the story.
‘Lets just talk about it okay. Your being a brat” She snapped at me.
“Mom whats a matter? Why are you mad?” I said looking at her. Her eyes gave away something evil. I cant believe I had not notice before. This is not my mother. They way she is sitting is not they MY mother would sit. Its face looked so angry and bored. My mother looks nothing like that. This THING was not my mother.
“ What are you?”
“ What do you mean my dear?”
“ What I mean is that you are not my mother. Who the hell are you!” Its face suddenly darkend and stood. It change its appearance into something so horrible. The room went dark and the it appeared. It was the eye.
Vaniela winced terribly and shuddered. “Great, now she has Sauron being her mother. Let me guess. It’s a character replacement!” she said in a falsely cheery voice. She pulled out her CAD and pointed it at the ‘eye’.
[Sauron the Great – Gorthaur, Annatar, etc., etc. Creator of the Ring. Lord of Mordor. Canon. OOC 91.435%....CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!!!! CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED!!!]
Vaniela clicked. “Okay, now I am in a world of creatures spawned by the Evil Sue!”
The Sue woke up after this ‘nightmare’ in Rivendell and used more movie dialogue. Vaniela now knew what her disguise was. She hurriedly pulled on a long Elvish dress and wondered what to do about her short burgundy hair. She decided on a wig, even though she looked ridiculous.
The Sue, after ‘Aragorn’ ‘pulled her hair away from her face’, proceeded to get lost in Rivendell. Vaniela limped after her, clutching her hip, which had gotten wrenched crashing into a tree.
Arwen showed up and started being nice to ‘Aremi’. Vaniela nearly died of shock.
“Oh my gosh, she’s being nice, for a change! ‘Aremi’ didn’t change her into an evil bitch! Wow!”
Then Arwen led the Sue off to Elrond’s study where Elrond and ‘Aragorn’ were suddenly waiting. ‘Aragorn’ was worried, but, as Vaniela thought, why should that be a surprise?
So, the Sue entered the study and Elrond acted wonderfully nice and called her ‘Milady.’
“Does everyone have to do that?!” Vaniela screamed, until Elrond looked over at her. She dropped to the floor and considered her next move.
“ There is no need for you to repay any of us, Milady.” Elrond said ushering me into a chair. He suddenly stopped what he was doing. He was just staring at me. I realized that he was looking at my necklace. I clutched it and Elrond regained of what he was doing.
Vaniela clutched her head and moaned. “Oh, no doubt she thinks this deepens the plot. Her necklace, now. Bah!” Vaniela considered using the CAD on Elrond, but decided the poor thing needed to cool down before it exploded. Gandalf showed up, too, but he didn’t seem to be too out of character. Not yet, at least.
The Sue became angsty and refused to tell anyone about what would happen. She did, for some reason, tell them about the forging of the Rings, even though they should already know. Vaniela rolled her eyes violently.
“ Okay but this is going to take a while. It began with the forging of the Great Rings…” What seem like hours to me I told the story of the ring. They would stop me to ask question which took longer. Then when I finished with ring story, they asked for my story. That took longer. Sure I didn’t tell them everything. I left big gapes. Am not ready to tell everyone about the pain, and am never going to be ready. I don’t want anyone to know. Not ever. So I told them where I grew up. The people I grew up with, the school I went to. I told little things just not the big things.
“Great. We have a case of Angsty!Sue,” Vaniela muttered. “Now there’s this ‘pain’.”
Vaniela groaned in pain as ‘Elrond’ suddenly asked if she believed in falling in love. She was terrified to use her CAD, but it seemed she would have no choice if this kept up. Then Gandalf asked her about her necklace, out of the blue.
‘Why are you two suddenly so concern over me not believing in love? And my necklace?”
“ There is a prophecy, its about a girl your age. She would come from a different world. She would be a mortal girl. She will carry a butterfly necklace symbolizing freedom and love. She will bring balanced to the world. In order for her to bring balanced to our world she must face great evil. Once she does this, she must give herself to the one she loves. If she does not do this. She would fall, along with everything else.” Gandalf said.
All I have to say is.
“ You have to be shitting me”
Vaniela whimpered, holding her head. “Oh, now there’s a prophecy, eh? She must give herself to the one she loves. Sounds like a setup to me! Bah! Bah!” Vaniela yelled, hopping around on one leg.
The Sue started crying and claiming she wasn’t the ‘Child of the Light’, the girl from the prophecy, ‘Aragorn’ got lovey-dovey on her and promised to help her.
I looked up at him, he looked so sincere. “ Thank you so much Aragorn. It really means a lot to me.” I got up and hugged him.
“ Any danger that you will face I’ll be there with you. That is my promise.” He said let me go just a little to see my face.
“ Thank you. I guess this means that I am the Child of the Light.” I said letting go of Aragorn and looking at Elrond and Gandalf. “ Where do we go from here?” I yipped away the tears.
“ We have called a council meeting. It would be best if you attend it. The meeting will take place in a couple of days.” Elrond said
“ Okay, that’s fine.”
“Now she’s going for ‘Aragorn’. How did I guess?” Vaniela yelped. She grabbed her notepad and started writing some overdue charges. “I wonder if I can triple charge her for non-canon language and actions? Making up a prophecy. Making up this ‘Child of the Light’. Did I mention non-canon language and actions?”
Vaniela grabbed her CAD and zapped Elrond.
[Elrond. Lord of Rivendell. Canon. OOC 63.232%]
“At least he’s not a character replacement,” Vaniela sighed in relief. Suddenly a great noise started as the hobbits tried to break the door down. Vaniela whimpered as some elf stuck his head in and asked if the hobbits could come in.
“Making Elves suddenly stupid and unable to think. Making hobbits violent,” Vaniela said to herself as she wrote down the charges. She barely finished when another spatial wrench hit her, transporting her two hours later and throwing her into a river. Her wig fell off and she spluttered for a minute. Several Elves looked askance at her.
She had barely recovered when WHAM! Another spatial wrench hit, this one to a day later.
“ Lady Aremi, where are you going? You haven’t even finished your lunch!” yelled Gandalf.
“ Am going to the garden!” I said over my shoulder. Who knew a day could change so much. I have spent long hours in a garden that I have fallen only recently. I have spoken to Gandalf and I see him like second grandpa. He is pretty cool for an old person.
“ Young lady come back here and finish your lunch!” Gandalf yelled.
“ Okay okay.” I grabbed the remain of the food which was an apple. “ You know Gandalf its only an apple.” I took a bite out of it.
Vaniela twitched, clicked, and whimpered at this new development. “Gandalf is NOT a grumpy old grandfather!” she roared. Gandalf stared at her. Since he could see her, he was obviously WAY out of character. She took her still smoking CAD out and zapped him, ready to drop the CAD at any moment before it exploded.
[Gandalf the Grey. Greyhame, Mithrandir, etc, etc. Canon. OOC 75.343% WARNING! CHARACTER RUPTURE!!!]
Vaniela dropped the CAD as it started smoking heavily. The Sue, meanwhile, was being an Angsty!Sue. Then the Sue started singing and spinning around. Vaniela suddenly got wrenched from first person to third person as the Sue mentioned that ‘Aremi’ was being watched by an elf.
“Wonder what elf that is?” Vaniela muttered. “I can wager a guess, but I won’t.”
Still in abrupt third person, the Sue presented yet another spatial wrench. She was now sitting in a garden being angsty. Suddenly, she decided to talk about her past. Vaniela got slammed into the past, as the Sue reminisced about her mother beating her. The Sue repeatedly slammed poor Vaniela years into the future. Vaniela nearly had to take the entire bottle of Bleeprin to recover.
The Sue then apparently stopped reminiscing and changed back to first person, carrying on a conversation with herself. She then grabbed her ‘book’ which happened to be a foot. The foot of Gimli. She and Gimli then started arguing for no reason whatsoever.
“ You know you don’t have to be such a ass!” I stepped forward.
“ I will if I want you” He stepped forward as well.“ Fine have it your way. I would hit you if you stud a little bit higher.” I said turning my away.
“ You better take that back!” He said trying to catch up to me.
“ What’s the meaning of this?!” I turned around and there stud Gandalf. He had a pipe in his hand.
“ This young lass, is being extremely rude to me.” Gimli pointed at me.
“ This coming from the one who was knocked off his feet from a girl.”
“ Don’t make me get my ax.” Gimli glared at me.
“ I have an idea, why don’t you get you ax and shove up your”
Vaniela keeled over and lay there, twitching. She was afraid to even use the CAD, which was smoking anyway. The Sue acted very childish and then ‘Aragorn’ appeared and started defending the Sue. He apparently wanted to introduce her to Legolas.
“No doubt it’s love at first sight,” Vaniela muttered bitterly.
The hobbits appeared and started talking about hearing a rumor that ‘Aremi’ was fighting a dwarf and wanted to hear all about it.
Vaniela’s CAD lit itself on fire, and everyone looked over. Furiously, Vaniela stomped on it until the fire went out. She had lost her wig in the river and hadn’t gotten a new one yet. The CAD had burned a hole in her dress. Cursing, Vaniela switched into another dress and another wig, this one more ridiculous than the last. She was sure that everyone was a character replacement now.
“Let’s see, what are the new charges,” she said. “So called rumors in Rivendell. Abusing Dwarves.”
No sooner had Vaniela finished re-disguising herself when she hit another spatial wrench, to two hours later. The Sue was being angsty. She couldn’t sleep, apparently, and rambled on about her nightdress. Vaniela rolled her eyes.
The Sue then threw in another spatial wrench. Vaniela cursed violently. Suddenly the Sue was waking up in the garden with no explanation of how she got there.
“ Are you the Child of the Light.”
“ Where did you hear that?” I asked getting worried.
“ I didn’t hear it from anyone. All elves know about the prophecy. I saw your necklace. Is it really you.” She had hope in her eyes. Like she was waiting for the prophecy to come true.
“ That’s what people keep saying. Yes am her.” Once I said it, it was like it seemed to sink in even more. I clutched my necklace for support. The elf kept staring at me like she couldn’t believe it.
“ I was hoping you would come. I never thought I would ever get the chance to meet you. It’s a honor to finally meet you, Milady.” She grabbed my hand. I don’t want anyone am some kind of god. I haven’t even done anything. Am just like everyone else. But I didn’t want to tell the elf girl that.
“Arrgh!” Vaniela screamed in anguish. “Now she’s famous!” She snatched out her notepad and started scribbling. “Changing Elves to know of made up prophecy. Double charges on making the prophecy in the first place!”
‘Aremi’ got humble and insisted on not being called ‘Milady’. Vaniela muttered and sputtered as the elf lady, now named Alis, acted awed and hopeful. There was a lot of boring banter and lots of ridiculous talk. Vaniela sat and wrote charges while waiting for them to say something interesting.
“Introducing a non-canon elf who is supposed to be a canon elf who doesn’t act like one,” she muttered.
‘Aremi’ wondered what to wear to the Council of Elrond. As she called it, the ‘meeting.’ Alis pulled out a gorgeous dress and ‘Aremi’ went into a bathroom that seemed to have appeared of nowhere.
“Non-canon settings and places,” Vaniela muttered, scribbling away.
Of course, when the Sue came out, she looked stunning. Alis styled her hair so she looked even prettier. Then Pippin showed up and stared at her, obviously thinking she was beautiful.
There was much banter about breakfast. Then the Sue met ‘Aragorn’ and he thought she was gorgeous. They went to the place where the council was and everyone there thought ‘Aremi’ was beautiful, too. Frodo stared at her. Elrond abruptly began the council.
As Elrond asked us to take our seats I looked at everyone that was there. The first one that I recognize was Legolas. He looked so gorgeous just sitting there. He looked so much bigger than he did in the movie. He seemed buff and taller although he was only just sitting down. He looked so yummy. My god I sound like a pervert. Stop it Aremi! Control yourself! I feel like such a pepping Tom. Am not a pervert I just liked the way he looks. Okay I have to stop staring at him.
I looked away that’s when I saw Gimli glaring at me. Doesn’t he know it’s rude to stare. Er right I was staring too but not at him! Like Legolas, Gimli was surround by his own kind. I looked towards the other people and there was Boromir. I could feel my breathing getting a bit heavy. As soon as I saw Boromir I saw how he died in the hands of Aragorn. But I cant think of that right now. I have to pay attention to the meeting.
Vaniela nearly gave up. She lay there whimpering and muttering to herself. She growled and then pulled herself up to watch as the Sue used more movie dialogue. She copied everything said in the movie and of course joined the fellowship. She had Legolas staring at her.
“Okay, that’s it,” Vaniela said, marching into the midst of things. Almost everyone looked at her. Great, she thought. When I’m done killing the Sue I have to rescue these poor people.
Vaniela marched up to the Sue and slammed her down. Aremi protested loudly and Aragorn made to stop Vaniela. She pushed him away and then turned to the Sue.
“Aremi,” she started, hoping she didn’t mess this up. It was, after all, the most important part of PPCing. “You are charged with being a Mary Sue, with using and performing non-canon language and actions, misspelling and using bad grammar and punctuation, making Aragorn blind and stupid, having canon characters call you ‘milady’, changing the story completely to add you, making up a so-called ‘prophecy’ and making it famous, and changing canon characters to twisted Mary Sue characters. Any last words?”
‘Aremi’ blinked slowly up at her. Vaniela sighed, took out her dagger, twirled it, and plunged it into ‘Aremi’s’ chest. The Sue-thing vaporized in a cloud of thick black smoke and the smell of brimstone. Vaniela choked, then turned to rescue the other characters.
She walked up to Aragorn, who was looking aghast. “Aremi!” he exclaimed. Vaniela buried her dagger in his heart. He disappeared with another wave of brimstone. Turning, Vaniela had at it with her dagger, killing off the evil Sue-things. The real people began slowly appearing, asking the same question; “What happened?”
Vaniela patted them on the shoulder and told them, “Happens a lot. Go back to your homes and rest. And stay away from evil girls with perverted minds. Trust me.”
Having finished her work, Vaniela headed back to headquarters to take some Ibuprofen and try to rid herself of the terrible headache she’d acquired from all the spatial wrenches.