Author’s Note: So I’ve been lazy. Oops. I’ve also been busy. But here it is. This story is here, if you really have a death wish – http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2144664/1/ [Editor's Note: This badfic has been deleted]
Agent Vaniela was busy doing handstand push-ups. Odd position to be in, no doubt, but that’s what she was doing. Not PPCing. In fact, she hadn’t even been to the PPC headquarters in about a month. Shame, shame. She’d almost forgotten her new commitment.
So, it was no surprise when her cell phone started blasting out the ‘1812 Overture’ in tinny and off-key tones, Vaniela was shocked. So shocked, in fact, that she crashed unceremoniously down on her head when her arms gave out. Sputtering and muttering, she got up and rubbed her head, looking down at the cell phone, which was hopping up and down in its excitement.
“Oops!” Vaniela exclaimed when she suddenly remembered she hadn’t done a PPC in a month. “Oh, boy, they are probably going to kill me, I’ll be kicked out…wait.” Vaniela stopped her own tirade as she studied the cell phone.
“Hmm, interesting. Pirates of the Caribbean. No, really? Ack! Okay, I’ll kill her. Ouch, this one is bad. Why do I always get the long ones?!”
As you can tell, Vaniela was becoming very used to talking to herself. She twirled in circles, wondering what in the world she’d done with all her PPCing stuff. Maybe it’s back at HQ, she thought, and dashed out her door, only just remembering she had to open it first.
She banged in the door of PPC headquarters, screeched off through the halls and banged into her room. Sure enough, all her equipment was there.
“Oh, thank goodness,” Vaniela said, walking over and picking up her silver dagger. She threaded the belt with the sheath onto her jeans and slid the dagger inside. She then grabbed her CAD, notepad, and pen, and walked over to her computer.
“All right, let’s get moving!” Vaniela said, jabbing a button on the wall, and a few more on the computer. A porthole opened and she jumped through. She was immediately hit by a prologue, and was shocked to see…this particular Sue-thing knew basic grammar. Well, in a stretch.
Almost bowled over by this stunning revelation, Vaniela staggered as ‘Belle’ finished her prologue with the most used line ever – This is my story.
Vaniela rolled her eyes. “Oh boy,” she said. She arrived with a bang in Tortuga. She wondered what disguise to wear, looked down and realized she was already in a disguise – not quite to her liking. She was wearing a low-cut dress and her hair was hidden in a hat that, to Vaniela, looked like a shaved fat white cat.
Vaniela yelped in righteous indignation at being dressed like a…never mind. The Sue, who was busy swimming in her underwear, looked over, but something drew her attention away. It was a pirate, stripping on the beach.
“Three guesses and the first two don’t count who that is,” Vaniela muttered, as the now-bare pirate dove in the water. The Sue went and put on her clothes, and then the pirate turned around and ‘seen’ her.
“Okay, maybe she doesn’t know grammar,” Vaniela decided. The pirate introduced himself as…you guessed it, Captain Jack Sparrow.
" Well nice to meet ya darlin'."
" I'm not yer darlin'. So what's with all the pet names anyway?"
" I always call gals that."
" Well you can all me Sarah or Belle. Whichever ye prefer."
" I thought yer name was Sarah. Where did ye get Belle."
" For one I hate the name Sarah. And two my name is Sarah Arabelle Thomas. So everyone calls me Belle."
" Sarah Thomas??? Captain Sarah Thomas of the Red Rose," he asked. I was astonished that he had heard of her.
" Unfortunately that would be my mom," I said hating the fact that it was true.
" Wow. So yer dad – – – – ."
" Is The Alex Bernier (a.n. heath ledger in The Order). Yeah I know."
“Oh, ‘darlin’’, I don’t think that’s how pirates talk all the time,” Vaniela sang, pulling out her notebook. “What in the world is heath ledger? Oh, yes, isn’t he that ‘hot guy’? What does he have to do with anything? And what the heck is the Red Rose? And I’m fairly certain Jack doesn’t know the word ‘wow’.” Vaniela grumbled as she wrote down the first charges.
“Making up some new ‘famous’ ship that never existed, un-canon language, and making up a new ‘pirate’ language.”
Vaniela shoved the notepad down her bodice as the Words rambled about how ‘Belle’s’ father had visions and her mother was an assassin. So she had visions and was an assassin.
That's the one thing I didn't tell Jack. Was that I am an assassain. Me and my three best friends, Alx, Deenna, and Austin. Austin was the only guy of the four of us. My mother called us the four muskeeteers.
“Ouch,” Vaniela said wincing. “Well, dear, even if your mother *was* real, then she would definitely not know about the ‘muskeeteers’. Spelled wrongly, at that.”
The Sue ended the chapter on what she apparently thought was a wonderful cliff hanger.
The next chapter was mercifully short. It started with ‘Belle’s’ vision –
It started with me and Jack walking to the beach laughing. Then flashed forward to my mom killing Jack. The whole time I'm screaming " NO. JACK. MOM STOP."
“Oh, lovely,” Vaniela muttered, grimacing. The Sue talked fluff with Jack. Her friends came, and her famous mother showed up. They talked more fluff.
" I went for a walk. Is that O.K.?"
" No it isn't young lady. You know better. Next time don't go alone."
" But mom. I can take care of myself."
“Yes, I’m sure. You can,” Vaniela said mockingly. “Maybe I was wrong when I said she knew basic grammar.”
The Sue made pointless conversation with her friends. Vaniela yawned loudly as the Sue described her friends and herself. Vaniela noticed they were all beautiful, tan, and muscular.
“Could this get any more boring?” she said, blinking sleepily as she stumbled along after the Sue. The Sue walked into a dark alley. “Good idea,” Vaniela said. “But don’t get yourself killed before I do it. Luv.”
The Sue was grabbed by a lustful pirate. Jack tried to rescue her. The Sue stabbed the man. Vaniela yawned again.
“Wonder if I can portal ahead? It’s just empty blather and ridiculous ‘romance’ scenes. And stupid visions,” she said, looking up at the Words. “Okay, I think I can jump a day ahead and then we’ll see what’s happening.”
Vaniela punched in a code on her wristband and stepped through the portal.
Shaking her head to clear it from the journey, Vaniela looked around. The Sue was rushing to get ready to leave, apparently not knowing that her crew was leaving. Also, they were leaving poor Jack behind.
“Gotta remember to zap him with the CAD,” Vaniela muttered, running after the Sue as she ran down to the Black Pearl. Or what should’ve been the Black Pearl. It was more like a shapeless lump – the Sue never bothered to describe it.
Vaniela sighed and yawned again. “Honestly, this story is so boring,” she said. The Sue had what she thought was a terribly angsty and sad vision – of her mother crying because she, ‘Belle’, had been killed. Vaniela rolled her eyes.
“Oh yeah, I was going to zap Jack, pardon, Captain Jack,” she muttered, whipping out her CAD and pointing it at Capt. Jack.
[Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirate. Canon. OOC 40.000%]
“Okay, not too bad. He’ll still be a little confused, however, when I finish killing the Sue. Speaking of which, when can I?” Vaniela looked about hopefully. Unfortunately, the Words were still blathering on. Vaniela checked to see if she could portal again.
“I think I will, thanks,” she said, twitching madly. The Sue had some nasty scenes coming up – Vaniela really didn’t want to witness them. She portaled to a day later, and tumbled out on the deck in the middle of a fight between the Sue and her mother.
" Mother. Shut – up," (1) I said. She looked at me. That look could kill big time.
" What did you just say?"
" I told you to shut – up. Get off Jack's ship mom. I'm sick and tired of you trying to get me to be just like you. Well I'm not. And not that it's any of yer business but I actually love Jack."
" Wha'," asked Jack. I turned to look at him.
" I love you," I said. He walked over to me and kissed me.
" I love you too," he said when we pulled apart. My mother gave up and just walked back over to her ship.
“You can’t walk over to your ship if you’re at sea!” Vaniela yowled, pulling herself away from the main mast – she’d gotten to know it really well from smashing into it after the portal. Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t even sure they were at sea. Gray mist covered them. No description again.
For reasons best known to the Sue, ‘Belle’s’ mother kidnapped Anamaria and took her to Port Royal. There, they went to find Will. Vaniela rolled her eyes.
“Oh, Will, always Will! Best friend in all the world, my foot,” she grumbled as Capt. Jack suddenly disappeared.
" Jack who," asked Will.
" Sparrow. He was with us," said Alx.
" What? Why did he come back? He knows better," said Will.
" You know him? How," I asked.
" He helped me save Elizabeth last year."
" Oh. How is the b**** these days," I asked. See Elizabeth and I never got along. She always thought I liked Will, when it was actually Deenna who likes him.
“How did I guess?! How did I know she was going to make an Evil!Elizabeth?!” Vaniela yelled, causing almost everyone in the room to look over at her. She ducked, fingering her dagger. “How much longer is this?”
" Wouldn't know," he said shrugging his shoulders.
" I thought you loved her," said Alx.
" I did. I mean I do. But she loves the Commodore and they got married."
" I knew she was a whore," I said. Everyone looked at me like I had something on my face.
“AAGH!” Vaniela screamed, putting her head between her legs to stop from passing out. “Elizabeth. Doesn’t. Like. The. Commodore. You. Stupid. Sue-thing!! Why doesn’t Will just kill her on the spot?”
Vaniela grabbed her CAD and zapped Will.
[Will Turner. Human. Canon. OOC 50.000% WARNING – HALF OUT OF CHARACTER!! CHARACTER RUPTURE COMES IN 25.001%!!!]
Vaniela raised an eyebrow at her smoking CAD. “Calm down, little guy,” she said, stuffing it down the bodice of her now fancy-stuffy-Port-Royal dress. She yanked out her notebook and started scribbling.
“Creating Evil!Elizabeth, totally changing the entire plot, the entire point of the movie, having Will your ‘best friend in all the world’ just because you think he’s hot. I got her. Now when can I kill her?”
Vaniela glanced up and sighed. “Oh well.” She sighed dejectedly and slumped in the barrel she was hiding in. A ruckus caused her to poke her head out. Capt. Jack had suddenly showed up with Anamaria. ‘Belle’s’ mother had found out and was now taunting the Sue-thing.
Vaniela shook her head in desperation as the Sue made what she thought was an Angsty!Brave!Sue-move. She said she’d come with her mother if only she let Capt. Jack and her friends go. Vaniela rolled her eyes and pretended to bawl loudly.
The Sue, meanwhile, was really bawling. Vaniela gave her a weird look out from under the bed – the only thing with form in the room. A loud crack made Vaniela jump out of her skin. She saw a pebble hit the window and sighed loudly.
“Oh, look, the wonderful boyfriend comes to save her. Give me a break.”
The Sue went over to the window and nearly got hit by pebble.
“Aw, come on, Capt. Jack, you have better aim than that,” Vaniela muttered, climbing after the Sue as she made her grand escape down a rope. Her mother came in, and Vaniela had a problem. She backed into a corner of the shapeless gray walls and stood frozen.
Fortunately, ‘Belle’s’ mother didn’t see her, and instead said something about killing Jack in the morning. Vaniela tried not to scream – she would’ve been seen.
The Sue made her escape down the rope. Vaniela, with her skills hanging from ropes twenty feet up, slid down gracefully. That is, until she tripped on the hem of her skirt and went flying. Groaning she ran after the Sue and her friends, slamming into a couple spatial wrenches as she went.
They got to the Black Pearl and then Vaniela hit an abrupt spatial wrench. She got acquainted with the main mast again. She’d also changed disguises – she was a pirate now.
The Sue wandered around and made empty blather about Anamaria supposedly flirting with ‘Austin’. Vaniela was quite sure Anamaria was a character replacement – the Sue had turned her into quite a wuss.
Then the Sue made a statement she obviously thought was terribly clever.
" Well you do know why Deenna, Austin and I are here right," said Alx.
" Yeah. To be here for me. Right?"
" No. Your mom wanted us to kill you," said Austin walking in.
“Oh, puh – lease,” Vaniela said, rolling her eyes. Then she looked up. “Brilliant! Excellent! Meet your worst nightmare, ‘Belle’ dear.”
Everyone in the room looked up as an angry pirate came marching in.
“Hey, who are you?” Belle asked, tossing her perfect blonde hair out of her face.
“Death, luv,” Vaniela said. She walked over and tripped Belle. She stepped on her chest. “Now, your charges. You are charged with being a Sue, using non-canon language, forgetting what question marks are for, changing the plotline totally to suit you, making the so-called ‘hot’ guy of the movie fall in love with you, and creating Evil!Elizabeth. Any last words?”
The Sue sputtered something. “Didn’t think so,” Vaniela said, yanked her dagger out of its sheath, and buried it in Belle’s heart. She gasped once, and died.
“No!!” Austin shouted, and ran at Vaniela.
“Hello there,” she said, and stabbed him. She danced about, stabbing the Sue’s friends. When that was finished, she wiped off her dagger and marched out of the room, heading for Anamaria.
“Hey, who are you? Captain!” she screamed. Vaniela rolled her eyes, and stabbed her. She disappeared, still screaming. A second later, the real Anamaria appeared and stared at Vaniela, who gave her a cheeky salute, and shot off.
Vaniela portaled off to Port Royal to find Belle’s mother. She ran in circles until she found her, and stabbed her.
“Bye, luv,” she said sarcastically. “Okay, I think that’s it. Wait, I’ve got to go free Elizabeth.”
Vaniela took off through the streets and ran into Will, who was looking confused.
“Where’s Elizabeth? What’s going on?” he asked her.
“Happens all the time. Elizabeth will be arriving shortly. Gotta run,” Vaniela told him, and ran off. She found Elizabeth with Norrington.
“Who are you? I don’t remember ever seeing you here, pirate,” Norrington sniffed. Vaniela had forgotten to change her disguise.
“No, you don’t, and don’t worry, I won’t be here long,” she said, pushing him aside. She yanked out her dagger and stabbed Elizabeth, who disappeared with a foul smell.
“No!! Men, open fire!” Norrington yelled, pointing at Vaniela. Vaniela ducked and punched in the code to return to HQ. Norrington suddenly wondered what he was shooting at.
Vaniela pulled on her normal clothes and sauntered off. “Another successful mission,” she sighed in relief. “Okay, now…maybe not a million years until the next one?”
[Editor’s Note: I have no idea what (1) was meant to be.]