“... you really think we can to do this?” Harry Potter pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. “How many of them will be coming?”

“Quite a few. But remember: if they all become better authors, there will be less Bad Fic written about you. So if you can teach them about life here, they’ll be able to get it right in their stories.” Meir Brin folded her hands over the Switch of Character Banishment. “Surely you don’t like these stories that mutilate your personality?”

Harry Potter shivered. “No, not at all.”

“Good. That’s all we need to know.”

Meir Brin had returned to her paperwork several minutes after Harry had left, when there was a loud crack behind her. She spun, getting ready to banish another Original Character if need be, but upon seeing what it was she cracked a grin instead.

“Elessor!” The Mini-Balrog from her previous occupation cackled and went over to her desk. “How did you get here?” said Meir Brin, lapsing into Westron.

“Time Canon-Crossover. Some-it did a Crossover. Big hole,” Elessor barked.

Meir Brin made a mental note that there was a Crossover character running loose somewhere.

“Would you like to see your counterparts? They just arrived this morning,” said Meir Brin to Elessor as they left the spare classroom that was serving as temporary HFA headquarters. They crossed the grounds, and in ten minutes had arrived at Hagrid’s hut.

Hagrid was outside, in a specially designed pen filled with what appeared to be black balls of fur. “’Ello!” he said cheerily, stroking one of the black creatures. “’Ese two jus’ arrived; cute lil’ thin’s, aren’t ’ey?”

Meir Brin took the proffered black ball of fur from Hagrid. The creature jumped, and extended eight long hairy legs. The small Acromantula crawled up her shoulder. “This is Lilly, correct?”

Hagrid didn’t reply. He had sat down in the pen and was blissfully stroking the fur balls. Meir Brin thought she heard him singing a lullaby under his breath. “Ickle furry spiders, sleepin’ in th’ webs... Don’t yeh worry, mommy’s ’ere, mommy’s ’ere...”

“What do you call they?” Elessor said in his gravelly voice. Despite taking extensive speaking courses, neither his Westron nor his grammar were the greatest.

“I believe Ron coined the term ‘Mini-Aragogs’...”

*********

The Hogwarts Express had never been so crowded. Or so hysterical. Ally slapped herself very hard. No, she was definitely not dreaming.

Her compartment door slid open, and two girls rushed in. One of them was giggling madly, and the other had her hands tucked firmly into her sleeves. “Can we sit here?” said the laughing girl.

“Yeah, sure,” Ally responded, moving over to create more room. “I’m Ally.”

The shorter girl giggled again. “I’m Redfire.” The girl turned back to her companion. “I’m sure you can fix it somehow, I mean... Oooo, what if you could get him to fix it? Oooo, that would be so great!” Redfire turned back to Ally quickly, causing her ponytail to whip around. “Guess who we just saw?!”

Ally lifted her eyebrows in surprise. “Who?”

“Tom Riddle! My god, we just saw him and he is sooo hot!”

“Tom Riddle?! Does he really exist? Where did you see him?” Ally jumped to her feet and stuck her head out of the compartment. Redfire gasped and jumped up, grabbing the back of Ally’s shirt quickly and pulling her back into the box.

“Don’t do that!” said the other girl, slamming the compartment door closed. “I’m Vethil, and you don’t want to go out there... They might see you!”

“Why?” Ally massaged her neck where Redfire had grabbed her. “What’s out there?”

“The characters! Didn’t you hear what happened up in box eight?” Vethil exclaimed, turning away from the compartment door and blushing slightly.

Ally looked at her with confusion. Box eight? “No, I didn’t, what happened?”

“Vethil saw Tom Riddle up there, and kept following him around—and drooling everywhere! And then,” Redfire leaned forward, as if about to impart a great secret, “he did this spell and she—she’s been—”

“Chopsticks! He gave me chopsticks hands!” Vethil moaned, drawing her arms out of her sleeves for the first time. “I can’t even use chopsticks with my real hands; how am I going to live with this?”

Ally could feel her eyes widen to the size of baseballs. There, where Vethil’s hands ought have been where two pairs of ivory chopsticks. Vethil clicked them together and stuffed her “hands” back into her sleeves.

“So,” said Redfire, trying to draw away from the awkward pause, “do you know how this thing is going to work?”

Ally looked back at her, still dazed by the presence of Vethil’s chopsticks. “What? ... Oh, no, I don’t know. Do you?”

Redfire didn’t know either, but she happily launched into all the gossip she had heard from everyone on the train. Apparently, someone down in box fourteen called Murkury had gotten hold of Percy Weasley’s wand, and had accidentally blown out part of her compartment, while a girl named Catrin Pritchard had been taken into custody by Lord Voldemort for not cringing and begging for mercy when he walked by. Still others, led by Stephanie Brown and Bhuninven, had endeavored to steal half of the food cart, and where now being threatened by a very ticked off Professor Snape.

“And then he said: ‘Foolish student, I dare you to defy the wrath of Lord Voldemort’ and—What’s that?” Redfire asked, as she took a quick break in her constant speech.

Ally shifted in her seat. “I think the train’s slowing down.”

Vethil stood up, and opened the compartment door slowly. “Do you think I could get someone to fix my hands now?”

There was a soft chime, and a voice was heard magically throughout the train. “We have reached Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Please get off. You’ve done enough damage to my precious train, and I never—”

There was the sound of scuffling, as if people were fighting for control of a microphone. “OLIVER I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU OLIVER WOOD!” More scuffling, and the first voice returned. “He’s not here, dammit, now get away from me, yes, I swear I will, you’ll have cauliflower growing out of your nose if you don’t move... Ah, thank you, Professor Moody... Where was I? Oh yes: GET OFF MY TRAIN!”