“Brown, Stephanie,” Meir Brin called, reading off a list with several hundred names on it.

The fanwriter bounded over to the stool and placed the Sorting Hat on her head. After two seconds, the hat proclaimed “LUSTERBUFF!” and Stephanie was ushered over to a table with a light yellow rabbit banner over it.

Ten minutes later, Meir Brin looked to be getting bored. Ally fidgeted, and cursed the fact that her surname began with a “W.”

After Chibigreen was Sorted into Slashering, something unusual occurred. Ally felt the air around her grow heavy. Suddenly, a rock fell out of the sky and struck her squarely on the forehead.

“What was that?” Ally cried, rubbing a bump that was quickly growing on her head.

Meir Brin looked up from her list just as two more rocks landed on Redfire and Onyx.

“Ouch! This one’s got points!” Catrin exclaimed as a rock shaped like a bird’s head hit her shoulder.

A pair of the bird’s head–shaped stones landed on the floor and rolled over to Professor Snape’s feet. He picked the rocks up skeptically and examined them. Ally saw him run a hand back through his greasy hair before the Potions master muttered, “Punctuation marks,” and handed the stones over to Albus Dumbledore.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts rose from his seat and waved his wand, conjuring up many large umbrellas that hovered about four feet above all the people (characters and fanwriters) in the room, creating a canopy. “It seems that someone in your world,” he said, indicating the fanwriters, “has decided to ignore the laws of proper punctuation.”

“Ow, then what are these things?” said Mirild, gingerly touching a lump on her head. She held up one of the stones shaped like a bird’s head.

“That, my dear, is a comma,” replied Dumbledore before taking his seat.

Meir Brin continued calling out names in a louder voice than before, since she now had to be heard over the hail of punctuation marks. “Natos, Rex,” she yelled.

A rather peculiar-looking boy broke from the ranks of fanwriters and placed the Sorting Hat on his head. The boy had bright yellow hair that looked as if he had stuck his finger in an electric socket. Redfire, next to Ally, elbowed her and whispered, “Someone told me he’s a Spaz on the train.”

“A Spaz?” Ally whispered as Rex Natos was made a Wantingmor.

Redfire shrugged and they turned their attention back to the Sorting. Onyx was placed in Canonlaw, and Catrin went to Wantingmor. After twenty more students were Sorted it was Redfire’s turn. The red-haired girl put on the hat eagerly and after several minutes of deliberation, the Sorting hat proclaimed her a “CANONLAW!”

Ally looked around idly. Why couldn’t they go alphabetical by first names? She turned her attention to the staff table as Mirild Sket was placed in Lusterbuff.

All of the Canon adults were there. Mr. Ollivander sat side by side with Bertha Jorkins, Quirrell bumped elbows with Mad-Eye Moody. They were all there...

Ally missed Vethil being Sorted into Lusterbuff. She was halfway into a good stupefied trance when Meir Brin called “White, Ally.”

Ally snapped out of her reverie. It was rather hard, considering she had just located Sirius Black. He was eye-candy for the weary, for sure.

Ally tottered over to the stool. She was somewhat stiff from standing so long, and her back ached where Sirus had tackled her. Ally picked up the Sorting Hat and settled it over her eyes.

“Well you’re a nice little mess, don’t you think?” said the Sorting Hat. “Read the books? Once. Well, that’s quite lovely. No wonder you can’t write to save yourself. Now why bother to write fanfiction? You’ve hardly even visited our world once in literature, now you’re going to go messing with us in our fandom? You’re helpless! I think I’ll make you a CANONLAW!”

Feeling stunned and hurt, Ally took off the hat and walked over to the second table from the right, which was decorated with a light blue banner with a pigeon on it. She took her seat next to Redfire, who patted her on the head lightly.

“Abusive, isn’t it?” said Onyx. “I told it I had read the books and seen the movie, and it still dumped me here! Of course telling it that it could use a trip to the dry cleaners’ probably wasn’t a good idea...”

The Sorting had finished. Meir Brin grabbed the Sorting Hat and exited the hall (“Put me down! That’s my eye! I can’t see! Mmmphff!” and “Oh, sorry how’s that? ... Like this? ... Oh jeez...”) as Dumbledore stood to address the crowd.

“Welcome to Hogwarts Fanfiction University, everyone. I’m sure you’ve all been briefed as to the procedures around here, so I won’t bore you with the details once again. Now all that is left is for us to enjoy the feast!”

Food magically appeared on the plates, and Ally realized that the movie hadn’t done the Hogwarts cuisine full justice. Roast turkey seemed to be the main course, but there were also cooked vegetables and meat broths that helped to alleviate Ally’s aches. She ate her fill and chattered away with those at her table. The fanwriters at Lusterbuff turned around at one point and joined in the conversation, which was quickly escalating into a full-blown argument.

“Draco is sooo the coolest!” Redfire cried, gazing toward the Slytherin table.

“What about Snape?” Murkury argued.

“I tell you, no one is hotter than Ron!” Bhuninven yelled, slamming her foot down.

“Except for Remus!” Stephanie yelled.

Silence. Everyone turned to look at the staff table. Remus... The fangirls sighed. Remus...

The Canon Characters had begun to trickle out of the Hall. The first of the fanwriters were beginning to get up when the thought hit them. Where were their common rooms?

*********

Meir Brin fell onto her bed without bothering to remove her boots. Seven hundred and forty-four names... She supposed it wouldn’t have been so bad if they had been nice, normal-sounding, easy-to-pronounce names, but no, they had to be (Argh!) fan-names. How on Earth or Middle-earth was she supposed to know that Bhuninven had stress on the central “i” and not on the “u”?

At least they were all Sorted. That was a relief. She now understood why McGonagall had insisted that she read the Sorting List. Sneaky Animagi...

A loud noise from across the room caused Meir Brin to jump to her feet and fall over once again. The Canon Accuracy Device had gone off.

Meir Brin had a sudden urge to find a nice, hard, brick wall to bang her head against.