Before one says anything more, let it be known that Ally was not having a good first week of school. Peeves, the horror of Mini-Aragog paintball, the end of Lusters United Mission One, being stuck to the ceiling by a massive heap of blackberry jam that whistled “Tiptoe Through the Tulips,” becoming unstuck just in time to fall on the academy coordinator, being placed in detainment; such were not the things a hormonal Potterhead would hope for at Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy.

Yet despite all of this, by Thursday morning Ally felt things might actually be looking up. The added bonus of having Wednesday afternoons off, coupled with the cancellation of “Magical Heredity and You: Reasons Why One Cannot Be Half Unicorn” (due to the continued fragility of Remus Lupin’s state of mind. Stephanie Brown and Chibigreen were very disappointed) had left Ally refreshed with new determination. She was going to pass her classes, win the heart of Harry Potter, write beautiful fanfiction about the two of them, and kill whoever had mistyped and created the Dursely Jelly-Monster.

Ally was up early, and actually managed to get downstairs without running into Peeves. Come to think of it, no one had seen Peeves for the past couple of days. Gossip in Wantingmor had remarked that Rex Natos, the Spaz, had joined the Fellowship of the Peeves, and that the organization was planning something big. Ally did not want to know what this was, as knowledge at HFA seemed create discord among the Ironic Over-power, which would then do its best to Get You.

Ally passed a grove of Giant Bronze Celery Stalks, byproducts of one “Selaria” spell that seemed to have turned up overnight. Hagrid had already chopped one down, and now there was a bronze celery archway to house the Mary Sue statue. Much to Ally’s embarrassment, there were also pots of pretty polka-dotted pansies around the shrine.

She sat down at the Canonlaw table, and nudged Penelope Ross awake. “What do we have this morning?”

Penelope Ross looked exhausted. She had been combing the school for her toaster (and perhaps Tom Riddle) all of yesterday, which amounted to one very tired fanwriter. “Spellcheck...” she mumbled, before falling headlong into her porridge.

Spellcheck? There was a class called Spellcheck?

*********

Meir Brin walked into “This Is a Spellcheck... Use It,” and sat down in the back of the room. Class observation was fun, especially when you knew that the fangirls were going to be in for a shock. This was going to be good.

The room for the Spellcheck class had been outfitted with computers, the only one in the entire school. Using combined intelligence and many magically modified plugs, Hermione Granger and Arthur Weasley had managed to run AOL through Hogwarts. When the Email button had said “You’ve got mail!” for the first time, Mr. Weasley had fainted dead away.

The students filed into the room, and looked around with amazement when they saw the computers. Catrin Pritchard became overexcited; she ran to the nearest computer and began hugging it, yelling something along the lines of “Electronics! Radio! Music! Email! How I’ve missed you!”

At the head of the lecture hall, Arthur Weasley was bouncing around on the balls of his feet, looking very much like Ludo Bagman before the Quidditch World Cup. “Can I do it now? Please? Please?”

Hermione Granger smiled kindly. “Of course.” Meir Brin had to commend Hermione for her patience. Being at HFA had given Arthur Weasley an incredible streak of perkiness. And Meir Brin detested perkiness. It annoyed her. Greatly.

Yet she supposed that Arthur was merely excited over his new discovery. After all, it was no small feat to fortify a room with enough Barrier spells to allow computers to run in Hogwarts.

Grinning like a maniac, Arthur plugged the main electrical socket into a panel of glowing orange stones. The fanwriters “ahhh!”-ed in amazement as the many computers whirred to life. Hhhhiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg... went the modems, coming online and breathing the magic of the socket connection. Ashura Rowena Dumbledore sat down at the computer, and sighed happily. “Email at last...”

Then the computers died.

Sadness.

The students did not take the loss well.

Ashura Rowena Dumbledore was sobbing, “It’s not fair! Not fair!” and pounding on the keyboard. Catrin Pritchard had passed out. Riona had gone dead white, and looked as if the world was about to end. Redfire was condoling with Ally, and Chelsea had gone into some sort of seizure.

Arthur Weasley did not take the loss well, either. He was down on his knees, sobbing, “No... Don’t go... Come back... Come back...”

Hermione patted Arthur Weasley on the back as he started bawling. “It’s okay, we’ll fix it; don’t worry, Mr. Weasley...”

Molly W looked as if she was in the midst of an internal struggle. Go hug Arthur, and risk being attacked by Persy and Chraelie, or remain where she was. She started to walk toward the front of the classroom, but then ROn the Mini-Aragog appeared from under a computer table, and Molly W decided she’d settle for looking sympathetic.

Then the second Problem of the Day occurred.

Meir Brin sat bolt upright as the lights went off in the entire classroom. Even the fires had gone out. A coldness near to that of the Dementors was spreading through the room. Hazy purple mist slid under the doorway, engulfing the Canon Characters, fanwriters, Mini-Aragogs, and Meir Brin in a pinkish light. For a second, Meir Brin thought she was back at OFUM and Ragna the Urple had arrived.

But it was not he. It was something worse.

“What the—? Oh no, not this...” cried Meir Brin, feeling the shadows approach.

“What is it? What’s going on?” called Molly W from across the room.

Suddenly Meir Brin felt very nauseated in the pit of her stomach. The room was spinning; splotches of purple and yellow appeared in her vision. The phrase “It seeks out the dominant character at the time and cannot be resisted. It seeks out the dominant character at the time and cannot be resisted...” was running through her mind. “Vambio—Vam—Vam—Vambio—Vambiolaria...” she coughed.

Meir Brin reached out to grab the wall and steady herself. But she could not. The purple mist was too strong, too toxic... And then—darkness.

Oh no, anything but this, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... thought Meir Brin as she fell into the Abyss of Vambiolaria, one of the most evil sicknesses to be placed upon a person in the realm of fanfiction. It was a fan-created spell, gone horribly wrong.

Vambiolaria, the dreaded Mary Sue disease.