Ally lay curled up on her four-poster bed, the curtains drawn about her to shut out the sympathetic gazes of her roommates. She couldn’t believe it; how could she have been so, so—stupid! Harry Potter would never like her now, after she had nearly wet herself in Gringotts.

HFA was exciting—painful and dangerous as well, but exciting nonetheless. There was something about knowing that you could turn a corner and see magic—real magic, not tricks and mirrors—performed by some of the most interesting people in all of literature. You could see Nearly- Headless Nick playing Limbo with Barty Crouch Jr., or Seamus Finnigan trying to persuade a group of disbelieving Slashering students that he was not gay.

But more importantly, HFA was for lovers. No, thought Ally, grinning foolishly to herself. Lusters was more appropriate. Ally and her fellow students could daydream through Bane of Filch staring at Fred and George Weasley, or squeal in delight at Tom Riddle in The Commitment of Evilness. And once Magical Heredity and You began, Remus Lupin would become a weekly dose of eye-candy. Quidditch Is Not For Everyone... That was Ally’s favorite, even though she had not quite managed to stay on a broomstick for more than seven seconds. Harry Potter was there, the courageous, nice, humble, awesome sweetheart...

Ally buried her face into her pillow. Harry Potter was lost to her forever. He would never like her after Hagrid had been forced to sedate her on the trip back to HFA. He would never find someone as foolish as her attractive...

Sniffing and rubbing her eyes, Ally sat up and looked at her headboard. Harry Potter would never be hers... The thought settled in her head and tumbled about. She wouldn’t have to spend five hours getting ready for Quidditch class. She wouldn’t have to protect her image like some hidden secret, just so that he wouldn’t get the wrong impression. Harry Potter already had the wrong impression. If Ally had looked further back, she would have realized that his impression had been formed when she had tried to glomp him at the Sorting Ceremony, but in her mind new thoughts were solidifying otherwise.

He would never be hers...

Ally almost laughed. She had been fretting herself silly for so long after something near, near impossible! Life, especially life at HFA, would be much easier without her schemes for snagging Harry Potter ruining things. She smiled grimly, and rubbed her red eyes free of tears.

Yes. That dream was far-fetched, thought Ally. But she knew the lust was still there, only dimmed a bit. Harry Potter, she thought. Oh! Why can’t these things be easy? I say that I don’t like him, but I know I still do! This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I just can’t help liking him.

It was a thought to contemplate on a Punctuational Day. But in the meantime, Ally had some new resolutions to take care of.

She had all of Hogwarts set out before her, all of the world that she had always dreamed of. And now, with a new sense of freedom beneath her belt, Ally was prepared to live in that world.

With a new light in her eyes and a small flame of hope in her heart, Ally climbed out of bed. Saturday and Sunday were at her disposal, and she already had a list of things that she wanted to do. Things that she wanted to see, and characters she wanted to meet. Without a care in the world, Ally skipped down into the common room and exited the Canonlaws’ domain.

Of course, because happy things like this cannot happen so perfectly at HFA, it must be said that Ally was then accosted by Argus Filch and Noriss his Mini-Aragog. After the scuffle in which Ally was branded with the mark of the Four-Pronged Cauliflower, she was chased throughout the castle by the Fellowship of the Peeves (now containing Rex Natos, Eibbor Nakrus, and C-Chan). Eventually, Ally was forced to make a narrow escape into Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, and fell unintentionally into the open entrance of the Chamber of Secrets.

*********

“Ffffff—click—keekeeeennnn...” clicked the Mini-Aragogs spookily as Meir Brin entered the Aerobics Lair meeting room. She was tired, having just given Leo Haven detainment for stealing the House-Elf Cheese Monument and eating it. Winky had been most distressed, and therefore Leo Haven had been sentenced to critiquing Professor Binns’ “The Story of My Life and Death” one-ghost show. He had been begging for mercy after just five minutes.

But there was a more important matter at stake, which the Headmistress had so abruptly informed her of in a short memo: Canon was going to change. The date: June 21st.

Frantic about having so little time to work with, Meir Brin had announced a staff section seminar concerning the effects of this announcement on HFA. The Canon Characters were chatting in their seats, Stan Shunpike shifting about nervously as he sat next to Fleur Delacour’s mother. In the front of the lecture hall, Severus Snape was eyeing Remus warily, and stroking Salazar (usually called “Salsa” now), his kitten.

At least Hermione was completely healed of Vambiolaria. That was good news. She had moved on to the recovery period and was now experiencing the after-effects of the disease. In other words, the illness was causing her to be clumsy and embarrassing at the same time: witness the instance in which she had sneezed all over Draco Malfoy. Though it had been quite funny to see the young Malfoy with snot all over his hair.

Here we go again, thought Meir Brin, tapping the Switch of Character Banishment on the podium for silence. In the rafters behind her, Giligad spread his wings mightily and roared. Elessor had found a new friend in Meir Brin’s other adopted Mini-Balrog; they both liked chasing fangirls, they both liked bacon, and Giligad had a knack for coming out of nowhere to dive-bomb HFA students. (Dimond had learned this the hard way, after she had unwittingly walked underneath the fire-demon’s perch.) The Elvenking Gil-galad himself was also residing at HFA for a brief period, hunting fangirls. Meir Brin chuckled softly. She had recently heard the story running through HFA about how his hunting horn had struck fear into the heart of Melony so greatly that she now refused to leave her dorm.

“What are we doing this time?” drawled Draco Malfoy after the room had gone silent. “If they have made another movie already, I’m leaving. I have had enough of this degradation.”

“Then leave already!” snapped Hermione. “I certainly don’t want you here!”

“Mudblood! I’m going nowhere; I have the most admirers here, and they can’t leave me out. Isn’t that correct?” he asked.

Meir Brin flipped through her sheaf of papers. “I suppose. You and Remus Lupin are tied for ‘number one lust-object’ with 14.4% of the HFA population apiece. But I suggest that you refrain from using such names, if you don’t want Lily to remove your tongue.”

On the other side of the room, Lily Potter examined an impressive collection of butcher knives. Draco took his seat abruptly.

“But why are we here?” asked Albus Dumbledore, puzzlement in his eyes. “Even I doubt the persistence of a film crew to make another movie about us.”

Meir Brin braced herself for the announcement that she was about to make. “The Canon of Potterverse is going to be updated. The Headmistress has informed me that Book 5, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, will be released on June 21st.”

Sirius Black smiled in a knowing manner. “That is good, though. Our beloved fanwriters will not be able to write filth about Harry’s fifth year. Their Vambiolatos—Mary Sues—in my godson’s fifth year will not be valid.”

Remus shuddered. “They will simply change to the sixth year. I have no doubt about this.”

“It is a good point,” commented Meir Brin. “But we have a more urgent matter to attend to. When this novel is released, our Canon will change significantly. You yourselves will change. HFA will probably undergo some sort of seismic activity. And once you are all reborn into the newly polished Canon, Hogwarts will be at its weakest point ever. You will need to be protected until Canon can regulate itself again.”

“We’re getting updates? Like the data processor on my PC? Email and the RAM will run Windows!” exclaimed Arthur Weasley.

The denizens of Potterverse blinked collectively. Arthur and Hermione were still experimenting with the computers for “This Is a Spellcheck... Use It,” and Arthur had become a convert to the language of the PC. Since few of the characters could operate computers, or had enough knowledge to pick out what he meant, Arthur had been treated as an eccentric relation by all of the Canon Characters. They simply smiled and nodded.

“I do not think that this will be a good experience for us,” said Professor Karkaroff. “Though I am glad that we will be receiving new information, I do not like how vulnerable we shall become.”

“You’ll be vulnerable when I get done with you!” cackled Lord Voldemort. LVJ blew some spit-bubbles and babbled happily.

“Oh, enough!” said Bertha Jorkins, standing up before Voldemort could get nasty. Oddly enough, since Voldemort had killed her, she no longer feared him. It was a “what’s the worst that can happen that hasn’t already happened?” kind of attitude. “What are we going to do about this shift?”

Meir Brin flipped through some notes and found what she was looking for. “I propose that we build a sort of bunker, to weather out the storm. If we were to fortify a chamber with repelling charms and anti-fanfiction spells, we could possibly let you ‘update’ yourselves until the Canon has congealed.”

“Dobby is wondering what will happen to the students,” asked the house-elf. “Dobby is thinking that we should not put them into the safe haven with Dobby and all of Dobby’s friends. Dobby does not like the fanwriters, no, no! Andtauriel Longwood has tried to capture Dobby so many times! Dobby is very frightened!”

“Pipe down, you,” Lucius Malfoy said harshly. “Lucius Malfoy is thinking that he will strangle Dobby if Dobby doesn’t shut his pie-hole. Those mindless fanwriters can weather out the shift someplace else. I don’t even care if the world were to open up and swallow them; they will not be rooming with us.”

Meir Brin nodded. “The fanwriters can survive the Canon-jump in the Great Hall. I do not think that it will affect them much, as they are not part of the Canon.”

“And where will be large enough to accommodate all of us here together?” asked Professor McGonagall. “Aerobics Lair is certainly not stable enough to survive such a shift!”

“No, we’ll need someplace more stable, someplace well-fortified...” mused Meir Brin.

“Why not use the Chamber of Secrets?” asked Tom Riddle. “I doubt it can be penetrated that easily, being made of SOLID ROCK, you know?” he said pointedly, glaring at Lord Voldemort.

“That’s a pretty good idea, err... I don’t think we could be disturbed easily in that place,” put in Harry Potter. Next to him, Ron sighed. “It’s all right, Ron, the Basilisk won’t be nearly so menacing this time. Remember? I had lunch with her last week; her name is Orfalda. Quite nice, once you get to know her. Blind, you know.”

“How do you know it’s a ‘she’, Harry?” asked Ron.

“Well, it didn’t have a red plume growing out of its head, did it? Then it has to be a ‘she’, you know,” said Hermione. “Aaachackackackack—hiccup—hackhackhack!” she sneeze-cough-hiccupped. That was Vambiolaria for you, always embarrassing.

“The Chamber of Secrets could hold all of us,” commented Meir Brin. “Can we organize a moving committee to get food and shelter set up down there tomorrow? Any volunteers?”

Silence.

“I volunteer Sybill Trelawney,” said McGonagall.

“I do not accept such—” began the Divination oracle.

“I volunteer Severus Snape!” shouted Sirius Black, grinning at his nemesis.

“No—”

“We volunteer Draco Malfoy!” chorused Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

“And Lucius!” added Arthur Weasley.

“I volunteer—”

Suddenly all of the Canon Characters were shouting out their enemy’s name, and through the din it was too hard to hear anyone’s title properly. Meir Brin rubbed her temples, feeling the granddaddy of all headaches coming on. “Elessor, Giligad?” called the HFA coordinator.

The two Mini-Balrogs swooped down from the rafters and beat the air steadily with their flaming wings. Giligad cocked his head in a questioning manner, as if waiting for the signal of “Charge!”

Meir Brin rubbed her forehead. “Kindly round up a group of Canon Characters and take them to the Chamber of Secrets. I’m going to go find some aspirin.”

And with that the great Update Preparation began.