Meir Brin stamped her feet on the ground, trying to shake the cold that was happily residing in the soles of her shoes. Valentine’s Day at Hogwarts was upon them, and that meant—

“Are we late, Preciousss? Ssshe wants to be married, doesn’t Sshe, Precioussss?”

“Hullo, Sméagol,” said Meir Brin tentatively. “Are the others far behind?”

Gollum blinked in the bright sunlight, further amplified by the white snow. “Yellow Face! It burns us!” he cried before scuttling into the shadows.

There was another pop, and a spider—a monstrous, gigantic, spider—rolled through the permanent OFUM-HFA plothole. She rocked back and forth before getting to her spindly feet and moved quickly into the shadow of Hogwarts. Following her was a large armor-clad Maia who was carrying a wedding gown and sulking magnificently. Then the ground trembled, and another arachnid tumbled into HFA.

The second spider through the plothole was indeed the Mother of All Spiders. Ungoliant, in all of her Unlighted glory. “My little girl... All grown up... Getting married...” she hissed. And if Meir Brin had known anything of Ungoliant’s physiology she would have seen the tears coming into the giant spider’s eyes.

“Is... anyone else coming through?” asked Meir Brin. It was a good thing that Ron, Harry, and Hermione had decided to stay in the Chamber working on the Bunker during the ceremony. She truly doubted that Ron would have kept sane with Shelob, Ungoliant, and Aragog wandering about.

“GreyLadyBast is bringing the bouquet...”

The sounds of an altercation began to drift down from the doorway. The plothole had sprung up about halfway between the Greenhouses and one of Hogwarts’ many entrances, so the OFUM bridal delegation had already entered.

“... You stole him from me!” hissed an Acromantula’s voice.

There was a loud screech of protest. Then the sound of blows being interchanged. Ungoliant started to move toward the doorway just as the sound of fireballs reached Meir Brin’s ears. The HFA coordinator sprinted up to the doorway in time to see Sauron (still clutching Shelob’s wedding dress) aim a fireball at an angry Acromantula the size of an elephant.

“Mosag? We thought you might like to have a holiday at the Three Broomsticks today, what with... it... happening?” asked Meir Brin in a placating manner. The last thing you want angry with you is a huge carnivorous spider.

“She stole my Aragog...” huffed Mosag, brushing past Sauron and moving toward the outer gate.

“Which way do we go, Preciousss? To the left or to the rights? Tricksy passages! Always trying to tricks us...” hissed Gollum, looking at the myriad of doorways spread out before them.

“Err... This way,” said Meir Brin. “Aragog is very excited, Shelob. He’s been talking about this for the past month. Even divorced his wife, there.” She led them through the middle archway, having chosen a path that even Ungoliant could pass through.

Bringing up the rear, Sauron leaned over to Ungoliant. “Is it true that you nearly ate that pile of wretched excuse for an evil overlord, the dimwitted Morgoth? Could you do it? Really...”

*********

Ally was in pain. It was not a new experience for her, to say the least, but falling into the Chamber of Secrets, only to be confronted by a horde of panicky Canon Characters who were not in a benevolent mood... Well, that was not a pleasant situation. And it therefore had not caused a pleasant feeling in her, mainly the sense that she had been dragged through the proverbial meat grinder, only to emerge as processed hamburger meat that had then been dipped in boiling oil. That seemed to be the result of being punished by Borimir, the Mini-Baragog (a demonic fiery spider. Not pleasant).

And now she had been pulled out of “Tea and Crumpets: British for Dummies” to witness the marriage of two spiders bigger than anything she had ever imagined. Sure, the Mini-Aragogs were evil and annoying, but they were only three to four feet tall. Aragog was bigger than an elephant, and Shelob was every inch that, with many inches left over in addition.

It was times like this that made her wish that she were as brave as Harry Potter. Mmmm... Harry Potter... No! she thought. My resolution! I must... not... lust... Well, at least she was missing British for Dummies. A three-hour lecture every week on why “-er” was sometimes changed to “-re” can do the same thing to one’s spirits as a rain-shower does to a picnic. And truth be told, Shelob’s dress was kind of pretty. In a creepy, arachnid sort of way.

Cornelius Fudge was presiding and, despite looking like he was about to wet himself, was doing a reasonable job. The Minister of Magic, being the one of the only Potterverse characters with the legal qualifications necessary to perform holy matrimony, was playing the role of priest. Hagrid and Sauron were being joint-position Best Men, with the biggest spider in existence (someone had told Ally that it was “Unglant,” though Ally wouldn’t even attempt pronunciation, remembering the “Goilfingel” incident) sitting in the front row.

Professor Dumbledore had done an excellent job turning the Great Hall into a cathedral of sorts. It had been expanded once again, and Terra-incognito, The Nemesister Raptor, and Serenity Bloom had then been captured by the Mini-Aragogs and forced to rearrange the furniture to accommodate the crowd. Serenity Bloom had not had such a bad time of it, being in possession of a computer that worked. Meaning of course that it had legs, arms, and an ability to clean up, cook, and carry books around. (Crabbe and Goyle’s bounty had been upped to twelve bottles of nail polish, three locks of Draco’s hair {supposedly real}, and a Slytherin scarf.)

And then there was the plight of Kristin, Agent AAA, and San Carpenter the Insane. GreyLadyBast had brought Shelob’s bouquet from OFUM (a bouquet of fangirls, to clarify) only to find that three of the victims had escaped. The Mini-Aragogs, already in admiration of Shelob as their new godmother (how that worked Ally would never know), had stormed off and captured the three Wantingmors as replacements.

Aragog himself had been groomed to perfection. His milky white eyes were radiating happiness, and his foreleg was clasping Shelob’s tightly. They both looked so happy, in an evil, giant-giant, spiderish way, of course. Hagrid and Ungoliant were sharing a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth, being overwhelmed by happiness.

“I now pronounce you ma—Acromant-mantula a-and wife,” sputtered Cornelius Fudge, his face already white with terror. Ally had witnessed Sauron glowering at Fudge throughout the ceremony, and it gave her the oddest impression of a marriage within the Mob. As soon as Aragog and Shelob had—what was that, anyway? Clacking the pincers together? Was that an arachnid kiss? Anyway, once the happy couple had turned around (Aragog knocking Sallah and Chibigreen over in his blindness), Fudge did a perfect about-face and bolted from the hall.

“It’s so beautiful...” hissed “Unglant” loudly. “Toss the bouquet, Shelob.”

Kristin, Agent AAA, San Carpenter the Insane, and the other OFUM students trussed up in Shelob’s bundle wailed simultaneously as they were pitched high into the air. Ally saw them coming, falling from the sky in slow motion.

I should really move now... she thought as the shadow of the bouquet loomed overhead. It was coming right for her corner...

What am I doing?! she panicked. RUN!

And then Ally ran. But she was not fast enough. For running to catch the bundle was Lumenosflaminoscanondenious, the flaming Fan-Created Spell Guardian responsible for capturing and taming the FCSes. It burned like a brand of fire and collided directly with Ally. Thus it came to pass that Ally was flattened beneath seven or so students with a living flame, resulting in singed hair and much burnt agony.

In the future, when Ally’s eyebrows had grown back, she mused that at least this meant that she would be the next to get married.

---

Author’s Notes: Sorry for the delay, folks. This chapter would have been out sooner, but unfortunately the change combined with an unlucky accumulation of essays put off my writing. It was supposed to be released on Valentine’s Day.

Oh yes! Much thanks to Miss Cam for helping to organize the wedding. ^_^

-Meir Brin