Ally pulled a broken comb with several teeth missing through her ragged blonde hair, wondering when the bald patch would disappear. Lumenoscanda-whatsits had completely singed the left side of her head, leaving a sketchy area where only little wisps of hair remained. Ally reached for a hair clip, happily reminding herself that with this new resolution she did not need to worry about Harry Potter noticing...

But what if he did notice?

Ally bit her thumbnail and started to tear it back. Harr... eee... Pott... err... Why on earth did she still like him?! She had said that she didn’t, but of course that little bit of her mind had said “let’s feign indifference!”, and then the other half had said “no, no lusting!”, and then she had said to that bit “noo! Haaarry Potteeerrr!”... Ally paused to take a mental breath. And then the Mini-Aragogs had come and attacked her for thinking such things.

A bell chimed somewhere in the castle, and Ally quickly grabbed her book bag before dashing off out the Canonlaw common room door. She did not want to be late for “Magical Heredity and You: Reasons Why You Cannot Be 1/2 Unicorn.” Rumor had it that some people called “Pariah” and “Androgynous” had come to HFA in order to supervise the class. Whatever kind of names those were, they did not sound friendly.

When Ally finally made her way to the site of “Magical Heredity and You,” a patch of grass next to Hagrid’s cabin, the reason for increased supervision became strikingly obvious. Claudia Beth King was puttering around at the back of the crowd, looking curiously at something that seemed to be crouched just inside the Forbidden Forest. Belphegor and Terra-incognito were also near the back of the crowd.

The rest of the students were a different story. Many of them were making a keening wail that at HFA meant that their lust-objects were in close proximity. Oh, that’s right! thought Ally suddenly. Remus is teaching this class! Ally started to walk around the perimeter of the masses, trying to get a good seat for the lecture. Seeing a sane Remus Lupin had to be a treat.

“Sit down, all of you,” came a reasonable yet firm voice from the instructor platform. Ally darted ahead another few paces and took a seat in the grass amid those in the right wing of fanwriters. Remus smiled and looked up from his notes. “Thank you.”

Rhiannon and several Lusterbuffs sighed dreamily. A fanwriter stood up shakily. Drool was dripping down her face. “Reeemmmuuusssss!” she screeched, launching herself through the air in a spectacular dive-tackle. Ally put a hand over her mouth in a soundless “No!”

A great bang echoed over the lawn as the fanwriter was hit by a hex. The HFA students followed the direction of the noise to a figure on the platform that they had not noticed before, what with Remus Lupin, eye-candy of the century, being present. Ally immediately wondered why she had not noticed, as furry pink slippers were not exactly something one could fail to notice at HFA. The person smiled happily and lowered her wand, then folded her arms across her chest. Ally suddenly noticed the potted cactus emblem on the person’s left shoulder, and the miniature lightening bolts on the hem of her black cloak. Oh, no. It was one of them...

“Got ’em there, Miss h’Aria,” chuckled Hagrid. “That’s righ’, fanwrit’rs. Meir Brin want’d ter bring th’ PPC in fer Remus’ lecture here, ’specially with yer glompin’ outbreak.”

The unfortunate glomper’s friends hurried to salvage her unconscious carcass. Mirild Sket tentatively raised a hand. “What’s the PPC?”

“Miss h’Aria” sighed in a resigned manner. “Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We kill your Sues.” The Lusterbuff section gasped. Aria glared. “All right, enough with this; let Professor Lupin continue his lecture.”

Remus nodded gratefully, eliciting a sigh from the fangirls. Aria took a step backward and eyed the crowd as one watches a herd of bison about to stampede. Ally gulped nervously and returned her attention to Remus.

“... that shall be the purpose of this course. There are only so many things that humans in the Potterverse can interbreed with. One of them is not a unicorn. Must I elaborate or are you quite content with that mental picture?”

In the Wantingmor crowd, Neshomeh fainted dead away. Heeri and Finnigon picked their way through the crowd and dragged the incapacitated fanwriter into the Forbidden Forest.

“One of the magical beings which humans can interbreed with, however, is the Giant race. As I am sure you are all aware, Professor Hagrid is of half-Giant blood,” said Lupin, gesturing with his left hand to Hagrid. “To inform you all about what these relations entail, the Giantess Fridwulfa has kindly agreed to a short presentation.”

Ally looked around in shock as the ground began to rumble angrily. Suddenly, Pandora and Newmoon screamed. Something big was walking from the Forbidden Forest. Someone. ’Twas Hagrid’s mum.

Ally scratched her head confusedly as the woman took her seat awkwardly on the platform. She was about twelve or so feet tall, but remarkably... indistinct? Her facial features seemed blurred, as if Ally was viewing them through a smoky glass. Around her, the fanwriters were having similar reactions. The woman took a deep breath and started to speak in a deep voice with a heavy German accent.

“Yes, yes. I know you cannot see me vell, ees becauss off de lack off details I am given een de book. Anyways, I am Fridwulfa, and I tink dat you are here to learn about how vee baby haff-Giants are made? Dat iss guut. Now, eet all started vhen I met Rubeus’ father, long time ago. He wass soo cute, such a funny leettle man! Vell, ve had some drinks, an’ von ting led to another, I muss’ tell you—”

“Mum! Yer not suppos’d ter give them ideas! Besides, yer ’mbarrassin’ me...” mumbled Hagrid, his ruddy cheeks a vivid scarlet.

One of the Canonlaws suddenly staggered half-heartedly to her feet. Ally recognized her a little too late as Catherine Dark Wolf. A perfect opportunity! Remus was simply standing there! Two steps and he would be hers!

“Reeemmmuuusssss!” screeched Catherine Dark Wolf, launching herself at the lycanthrope.

Three attacks hit Catherine simultaneously. One in the form of Fridwulfa’s fist, another as Aria’s stunner, and a third, from up on a high balcony of Hogwarts castle, from Agent Polaris’ tranquilizer gun.

*********

“Nice shot,” said Meir Brin, putting down the Omnioculars. “You can set it to ‘replay’ to see it again if you’d like.”

Agent Polaris of the PPC took the brass contraption from Meir Brin and spun the replay knob at least seven times, all the while sniggering insanely. “I can’t wait for Draco’s seminar,” she said, passing the Omnioculars back. “Who knew you could have this much fun with a tranquilizer gun?”

Meir Brin shrugged and pulled her gray cloak more tightly around her shoulders. “If not for the Sues sprouting up all over the place I would stick with wand-and-net tactics, but it seems that there is simply not the time to set up the traps. Besides, the students keep falling in them. Had to fish that fanwriter, what’s-her-face, Ally White, out of the Chamber of Secrets only a few days ago.”

“It’s strange, to see the Sues pop up here. You would think that they wouldn’t be able to get past the borders of this dimension,” commented Polaris, sighting down the barrel of her gun.

“We’re not Mary Sue–proof, apparently. Klose is running herself ragged. We had a ‘daughter of Lord Voldemort’ here last week, and, try as she might, Klose just couldn’t get her down from the chandelier in Aerobics Lair. Filthy Vambiolatos; it’s hard to say which is worse, them or the disease.” Meir Brin rubbed her forehead and adjusted her glasses. They started to go back into the castle. “I daresay it’s probably worse at Headquarters. How are the PPC functioning these days?”

Polaris smiled and patted her Mini-Aragog, Draoc, grimly. “Lord of the Rings is nearly under. Potterverse stays afloat mainly because our Sues don’t try to change Canon as much, but we’re still greatly understaffed. Hoping to get some new agents, though, once this class graduates.”

Meir Brin paused to look out one of the windows. Fridwulfa was juggling five fanwriters at once. Very talented, that lady was. “I think a few will join. Some of the Wantingmors look promising as assassins.”

Blast-Ended Skrewts started pouring from Hagrid’s hut in an attempt to get at fresh meat as the fanwriters began to run for the castle. Polaris laughed insanely as a Skrewt sneezed and set a Slashering’s hair on fire. “If they can run like that, they’ll do fine indeed!”

---

Much thanks to Agents Polaris and Aria of the PPC for their help at HFA this chapter and the next. As a disclaimer, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to Jay and Acacia, while the various spinoffs belong to their respective authors.

-Meir Brin